Why does (s)he keep bothering me?!

This has happened to all of us. I am sure each of us has faced at least one person in our professional life who we felt is out there to get us. It has been irritating, sometimes even unbearable to deal with. We have asked ourselves often - Why me? What did I do? Why can't this person see my side of things? How can he/she be so stupid? Why is he/she after me?

There is no silver bullet to solve this situation. But there are some things you can definitely do to get your peace of mind back. The five steps below has been based on my experience, it has been a slow learning process. But it has worked for me over the years, may be it will help you. I warn you, it is not easy and takes a lot of effort.

1) Practice tolerance. Seems like a saintly advice, but you have to do it. Practice tolerance and not only will the world become an easier place to live, you will find it a bit more peaceful too. Next time when a big fat SUV cuts in front of you on the freeway, albeit very dangerously, resist the urge to give him/her your choice words and gestures. Let it go. Thank your stars that you are an alert driver and you lived. Let go. Tell yourself, twenty times if need be, that this problem is not yours, it's the other driver's. It's that person who does not have control on his/her life, but you do. Choose to not make adrenalin rush through your veins. Yes, it's your choice.

2) Pick your battles. Not all battles are worth fighting, even if you know very well that you are on the right side and the co-worker is totally wrong. Only those that you know deep in your heart that you are 100% right and will provide you a long term benefit is worth taking the arms for. Fighting small battles every day makes your blood pressure high, keeps you stressed, and in general does not serve any purpose. I have been through this phase and I know. The stress is not worth it. Pick the battle that affects your career, and let go of the others.

3) Look at the long term goal. Keep your eye on the 5-10 year plan you have for yourself. Whenever a situation comes along that gets you all riled up, ask yourself if it's worth the emotional investment in the long run. Did a 6/10 in math in 4th grade really affect your graduation from high school? But you were all stressed out at 4th grade as if it was a life and death situation! (You probably felt so because of the looming image of a good smack from dad when you went home and told him the bad grade! Heh! Heh!)

A friend of mine was recently all worked up because she had to repeat a month of residency, forced on her by an inconsiderate attending physician. Yes, it did cause her some near term inconvenience, e.g. had to change schedules, make alternate plans, postpone a vacation, etc.; but in the long term it will not have any impact on her career. She will, and I know for sure, be a great doctor, and five years from now, this extra month will have vanished from her memory and from everyone she will be dealing with. So, whenever you are faced with a 'sky is falling on me' situation, just step back and think what effect it may have 10 years from now. If it seems that there will be none, just let the tide go over you, bob up and down with it, focus on staying afloat, do not fight it, preserve your energies for bigger and better things.

4) Focus inwards. The only person you have control on is yourself. No matter how much you will it, you do not have the power to change the co-worker or even make that person understand your point of view. Yes, it's good to try and I highly recommend it, but don't waste too much of your energy on it.

What do you do when you have a situation where the co-worker is out to get you, he/she is saying things behind your back, or making really stupid decisions, making you stand out with the wrong implications, etc.? I bet this has happened to almost all of us, at least once in our lifetime. Assuming that you went through the three steps above and it still bothers you, here is what you do - think of how you can change to diffuse the situation.

A very wise lady, now my mentor, advised me - take that person out to lunch. Yes, it's that simple. Ask him/ her to go out for lunch, alone with you. Go somewhere far where there are no other co-workers to bother and buy him/her the lunch. Sit down and chat about everything but work. Find out the personal side of that person - what makes him/her tick? What is the family situation, does he/she like baseball or hockey, ask for a restaurant recommendation....

Often the very fact that you have shown him/her the attention will diffuse the tension that was building up between the two of you. I agree, it's very hard to do this. You hate that person's guts after all the injustice he/she has been doing to you. But you know what, every human being is the center of his/her universe. This 'prick' was probably behaving badly with you because of his/her own insecurities, and more often than not, craving for your attention and recognition. So, give it. Don't fake it, genuinely give it. People develop very good fake detectors by the time they turn six, so do not fake it. It will be very obvious even if you consider yourself an Oscar worthy actor.

Also ask yourself, could it be that you were being a prick to him/her? Were you trying to enforce your thoughts on that person when he/she was not ready? Were you being insensitive? Please analyze yourself too - you will probably find at least few things that you were doing wrong that you could fix. Self improvement is key to your peace of mind.

5) Leave, quit. Cut your losses and leave. There are always situations when even after you have put in your best effort, changed yourself to fix the problem, tried to make people see sense and they still don't budge. At that time just quit. It is often not worth the excessive emotional investment, your only alternative is to leave. Just do it.

Here is an example from my life, happened not too long ago. I was given the responsibility of this great project, I was all enthused and excited. The person who was leading the project before me (lets call her M) had created a mess of a situation, but by a miracle of system mismanagement, she found herself promoted to a position to oversee this project, above me but not be responsible for it anymore. Which means, she could meddle as much as she wanted, but when there was a mess to be cleaned up, it was all my responsibility. For four months I labored on the project, built the team, planned the project, worked diligently on executing the project. Everything went smoothly between the team and me, except when she chose to poke her nose into it. She did that often, and when you were least expecting it, out of the blue. We locked horns, often in front of the whole office, shouting at each other.

But what can one do? I refused to accept responsibility for decisions that were not mine! I could do the job hundred times better than she could, and she knew it! Was it jealousy that made her mess up my work? Well, I tried all the above mentioned four steps. All my efforts failed. Then, I frankly went up to the upper management and quit! I said that the only way they could still keep me involved in this project is if they could give me in writing that if this project runs aground, I will not be held responsible. Oh yes, I had all the documentation to back me up. They asked me to give it a try for another 4-6 weeks, we had a face to face meeting with M, to try and resolve the problems. It eased a trifle in the ensuing weeks, but not enough to put me at ease. So, at the end I moved on.

Believe me, life has a way of resolving itself and for the better. I actually got 'promoted' to a better position, onto program management. The fundamental project execution plan that I had created and the team I had built eventually went on to finish the project properly and successfully. M's responsibilities were slowly curtailed over the ensuing months and she was eventually made redundant - it was quite obvious over time that she was incompetent.

I am thus a firm believer that good always triumphs over the bad. I did go through the 'birthing' pains, but I have been renewed by this challenging experience. I feel that I now have a deeper insight into people's psyche. I still have ways to go, but this is a good start, don't you think?