Over the last month I have been having these conversations about friendship with several people. In my mind, I suppose, I am refining my understanding of the concept. So here are my thoughts on friendship-experience in its different forms. In 2016, I had written a piece on the same subject, but from a slightly different perspective. In the ensuing years, my understanding has developed a bit further, and I am sure there is more insight to come in the future.
I feel there are three kinds of friendship-experiences:
The first kind is when friends find themselves in a "situation", I call these experiences the "Situation" kind. It might be a health issue, or a breakup, or job issue, or a family issue, etc. Friends have a problem, and they call us. We usually have energy, and they want it or need it. We actually love sharing our energy, so when they want us by their side, we enjoy the process. It gives us joy sharing our energy, it does not diminish us. The best metaphor I can think of is as if our friends were running in the woods and fell into a pit and sprained their leg. They cannot get out and ask for help. In the past I used to get into the pit with them and push them up. These days when I get the call, I check myself to see if I have the wherewithal to get into the pit, help them, and come out safely myself. If I cannot, I stay by the pit (not go in), and give them company. I inspire them, I hold their hand, I bring them food, I care for them, and for as long as it takes. And then over time they heal, they then climb out of the hole. They are happy. I feel good. This is the mentality I use with my hospice patients too. It gives me great joy to watch them feel good, and their caregivers feel a bit of respite with me being there.
As I walk this journey of life, I now constantly evaluate my friendship-experiences. Note that I call them friendship-experiences and not label friends instead. I have found that some friends display different characteristics at different times based on their mental equanimity, and so my experience with them change with time, place, and situation. All three kinds of friendship-expereinces are essential for a healthy happy life. It is not only about what the friends in my life can do or provide for me, it is also about how I can be the right kind of friend when they need me. It gives me great joy when I can see clearly through my friendship-experiences, and maybe this note will help you with that as well.
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| Hazards Beach, Tasmania |
I feel there are three kinds of friendship-experiences:
The first kind is when friends find themselves in a "situation", I call these experiences the "Situation" kind. It might be a health issue, or a breakup, or job issue, or a family issue, etc. Friends have a problem, and they call us. We usually have energy, and they want it or need it. We actually love sharing our energy, so when they want us by their side, we enjoy the process. It gives us joy sharing our energy, it does not diminish us. The best metaphor I can think of is as if our friends were running in the woods and fell into a pit and sprained their leg. They cannot get out and ask for help. In the past I used to get into the pit with them and push them up. These days when I get the call, I check myself to see if I have the wherewithal to get into the pit, help them, and come out safely myself. If I cannot, I stay by the pit (not go in), and give them company. I inspire them, I hold their hand, I bring them food, I care for them, and for as long as it takes. And then over time they heal, they then climb out of the hole. They are happy. I feel good. This is the mentality I use with my hospice patients too. It gives me great joy to watch them feel good, and their caregivers feel a bit of respite with me being there.
In this first kind of friendship-experience, the passage of energy and love is often one sided. I think they love me back in some way, but it does not to fill my cup. My cup in these instances is already full, and by helping them I get great satisfaction. Now, if I am myself in a depressive state when called in for such an interaction, I have this uncanny way of being there for them, not go down in the pit with them, and still do my "job". That is how I was when my mum was passing. I have this way of being able to steel my heart against any pain. I do not absorb the pain, and I pour out from the inbuilt energy store I have, but there is a limit to how much I can do. This is still good, I still feel a bit of satisfaction. However, this activity does not fill my cup. I need to put effort on my own, away from the storms, to fill my cup. And with such friendship-experiences, I cannot expect the distressed friends to help me with my depression. They are themselves in poor condition, so I cannot even disclose to them my issues. Their issues appear huge in front of them, they don't have time or patience to listen to mine, and are of no help either. When I look back at my life, all my family relationships, including the one with my spouse for over two decades, have been of this quality. I am called upon to serve, and I do, but it has never filled my cup. That is just the way things are. I just find out other ways to fill my cup.
This does not mean that we should shun these relationships, they have a purpose in our lives. These friendship-experiences allow opportunities for us to serve without any expectations of return. It provides a way for us to develop the precious skill of being calm in the face of a storm, learn how to manage life and its travails through adversity. It is very essential skill to master, and these friendship-experiences offer us that opportunity.
This does not mean that we should shun these relationships, they have a purpose in our lives. These friendship-experiences allow opportunities for us to serve without any expectations of return. It provides a way for us to develop the precious skill of being calm in the face of a storm, learn how to manage life and its travails through adversity. It is very essential skill to master, and these friendship-experiences offer us that opportunity.
The second kind is what I call the "Resonance" type of friendship-experience. These friends love me, but they are not very wise or strong themselves. I know, "wise" is not a good word here, but I cannot think of any other. So I have to explain. With these friends, if I share my thoughts, they become affected. They resonate with me. So, if I am elated, they are instantly on Mt. Everest. And if, by chance, I am depressed, they then dive into the deep Marianas Trench. And often times, as they watch themselves going into the spiral, they try to latch onto any idea that pops up in their head. They often offer useless advice. For example, they'd point out that I need a boyfriend and that will solve all my problems (real and perceived) in life, and then start a conversation about matchmaking. Their repertoire of solutions are usually limited, and they get on one track too often. Also, they are usually attached to their solutions and if I choose not accept the solutions they offer, they feel hurt and get sentimental. They love me, yes, but they are not strong to support me or offer me wise solutions. Out of their love, they get in the pit with me without seeing that they don't have the strength or ability to get out. Then I am left with figuring out how to get out myself, and I feel responsible for having them in the pit. Such friendship-experiences often leave me tired.
Having said all that, it is still very nice to have these kind of friends along on my life journey. They are good chums, and we have a good time hanging out together. They love me, I never question their intention. I know that they always mean well, even though their solutions are wayward at times. It really does not matter, because they come from a place of affection and caring. When I am in need stability, I just don't approach them, as I know that there will be resonance and it will not be helpful. At all other times, we have a fabulous time together, so it is well worth putting the effort in maintaining such friendships.
Having said all that, it is still very nice to have these kind of friends along on my life journey. They are good chums, and we have a good time hanging out together. They love me, I never question their intention. I know that they always mean well, even though their solutions are wayward at times. It really does not matter, because they come from a place of affection and caring. When I am in need stability, I just don't approach them, as I know that there will be resonance and it will not be helpful. At all other times, we have a fabulous time together, so it is well worth putting the effort in maintaining such friendships.
Which brings me to the third kind of friendship-experience, and in my life it is extremely rare. I think I have only one such person in my life who fits this bill. With this person it is different because they are, what I would call, a "Reflective" kind of friend. When I open up with this individual, I find that person very objectively looking at the situation, and then holding up the mirror at me. I often don't see the reflection or sometimes do not like what I see, but I greatly value the exercise. Sometimes the dust in my eyes is so much that I cannot "get it" right away, and they patiently keep holding the mirror at me. Also, because of the love and affection I have for them, I seriously consider all I see and truly reflect on it. There is no judgment, no fear, no "loss of face", no sentimental wrangling. This person is clear and calm all the time. So, as I bring anxiety or elation, this person's equanimity and calm affection is like a soothing balm to my heart. My anxiety cools down to acceptance. My elation also settles down into clarity. And while this process happens, there is no fear of loss of any kind. There is trust that no matter what, this relationship will withstand the storms of life and time. That is why this kind of relationship is very special.
I have seen and heard other friends talk about having this kind of relationship with their parent, or sibling, or partner. A friend of mine had that kind of friendship with her dad. She has been very lucky. She had this kind of calming force in her life for solid 47 years, and it has made her a very stable and wise person. She learned from the best on how to make decisions, how to see clearly, when to stay the course, and when to change directions. She could open up anything that troubled her to her father, and he has always been extremely clear, objective, and gave her productive suggestions. He did not take anything personally, and though he had her best interests in his heart, he let her come to her own decisions by herself. He just pointed out a few paths from his vantage point, as she was usually too close to the ground and could not see them. In their relationship, there is a sense of mutual respect and caring, but not the overbearing kind. It is, what I call, a wise friendship, a patient friendship, and a true-love kind of friendship.
