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| My love and me, 1993 |
Today I am very nostalgic, and reflecting on 1993. It was not a particularly happy year for me but then twenty years later, as life has evolved and it has turned out to be okay. When you look back from a considerable distance like I am doing now, the mountains of everyday life during that time seem mere ripples. You also thank your stars that you survived.
In 1991 I gave my ICSE (class 10 board exams). I did exceptionally well, no one was expecting it. My family always wished that I will do well in school, but I never met their expectations. I was all right, in the top twenty percentile, but not really among the toppers at school. I never measured up to their expectations and it was very hard for me. I used to very depressed, did not have any friends. In fact I was quite obnoxious, always blurting wrong things at wrong times, a spoilsport in every game, quite anti-social. I did not hang out with kids my age, and many of my school friends used to find ways to avoid me than befriend me. I deserved that, I was indeed quite weird. There was a tornado going on inside me, I was battling depression and anxiety. In those days, you did not go to a therapist, there was none around either. There was no one to turn to for help. Only two-three select friends knew about my situation. Few years ago, I met one of them in Mumbai and she commented: "Soma, I used to be so worried about you. I used to think that you will take some drastic step, I am so glad you did not and survived that phase." I am glad that I did too. And it makes no sense to slice and dice those days, the causes, and the rest. The important thing is that I am here, twenty years later, alive and happy.
After my ICSE, we immediately moved to Kolkata, and I joined South Point High School. That is where I met him, along with a number of very treasured friends. In this new environment I realized that life can be different, for the first time I saw how others lived. I also had this wonderful young man head over heels in love with me. He used to write long letters, wanted to spend all his extra time with me. I was blown away by the genuine affection, selfless and caring. Poor guy, I made him try very hard. One day I would say Yes, and the next day I would say No. And boy, was he persistent. Well, I had a great time during those two years, young and very much in love, tasting freedom for the first time, learning to think for myself and expressing. He helped me discover the side of me that was boxed in and locked up. It was beautiful. My depression faded away gradually.
During those days, 11th-12th years of school was considered very crucial. If you were to have a decent career, i.e. become an engineer or a doctor, you needed to leave everything out, box yourself and study for the very competitive entrance exams. Every middle-class family wanted their kids to take up either of those two professions. It was a matter of social pride and a passport to a secure future. Inspite of my family's dreams and wishes, I really did not see myself as an engineer. I wanted to explore, I wanted to be a scientist, a physicist. During those days, you would find me engrossed in Physics books and totally neglecting all other subjects. My new found love also supported me, with that I felt that I could take on the world! Ha! Ha! When 1993 came, it did not work out too well for me. Expectations and pressure was high to sit for the engineering entrance exams, so I did. And needless to say, I did not do well. I did not finish the scripts, I sat looking out the window, scribbled and doodled. Teenage defiance was also working here. I did not make the cut in most of the tests. I was secretly happy, I was free to follow my passion, Physics.
So, in 1993, I joined the Physics program at a prestigious college in Kolkata. He went to IIT, we were no longer in the same city. That's when the dark cloud descended on me. My support was suddenly gone, my parents were very upset with my not being able to get into engineering. He used to write sweet letters and visit me on weekends whenever he could afford. There were no phones, no emails, and no money either. It was tough, very tough. He was steadfast in his support of my dreams. But whenever I used to get home after college, I used to have a deep sense of guilt that I have let down my family and all who had hopes for me. I was very hard for me. I was slowly falling back into depression again. My sense of self-worth was at all time low. Everyone I met then used to look at me as "the-brilliant-girl-who-wasted-the-two-most-crucial-years-of-her-life-falling-in-love-and-now-is-a-total-loser." I wanted to scream and yell: Just you wait! It's funny how social pressures can erode self when we allow it.
My brief 'dates' with him was all I had to keep my sanity. These meetings with him were brief, and I lived from one letter from him to the next. And, I had couple very close friends who understood my pain and tried to help. The picture above was taken by one such friend, this individual was (and still is) my mentor, my brother, and my confidant. This picture was taken during a winter picnic at Gorbetha, on a boating excursion. This picture sits on my table as a constant reminder of what matters most in my life, the support and love of the man in my life, and the friendship of the people around me. These are the folks that have supported me during my hardest times and I hope I can do the same for them.
So, in 1993, during the darkest year of my life, I slowly came to terms with the fact that I cannot go against the grain, that I have finite strength and to survive I have to let it be and go with the flow. By the end of that year, I made up my mind. I stopped going to college, what was the point? I started to study for the engineering exams, for real this time. In 1994, I 'got through'. I picked civil engineering as a field of concentration, somewhat out of spite. My dad and his granddad was a civil engineer, and from the same university I graduated from. After that, I moved away from home to the school dorm, focused on being a good engineer, moved to US for my Masters, and so on.
As I look back at 1993, with the wisdom that age and distance has granted me, I am glad I survived. I feel fortunate that I have few people in my life who still care for me. I am happy that I understood my limits and persevered through that year. I realize that no matter what life throws at you, you can make it work out eventually. It's never too late. The trick is to look at the distance and take baby steps on the winding road of life.
Here's a life-quote from one of my favorite characters in Finding Nemo:
Crush: Alright, we're here, dudes! Get ready! Your exit's comin' up, man!
Marlin: Where? I don't see it.
Dory: There! I see it! I see it!
Marlin: You mean the swirling vortex of terror?
Crush: That's it, dude!
To that Soma adds: Yes, that's life, dude!
