Mind Training is like Walking the Dog

I have two dogs. Freo and Ozzie. At this time Freo is 10ish and Ozzie is 9ish. They are shelter dogs, so we do not know their exact birthdays. Those people who know me on Facebook know how crazy I am about them. After my divorce in 2014, my precious babies went to live with their daddy. In a divorce, the law sees dogs as "property" and not "children", so they need to be ascribed to one party or another. I chose to give up my rights, and he got to "own" them. I consider myself very fortunate because when he is traveling, I get to keep them and I pamper them excessively. I love them as children, kids that I will never have. And while they are alive, I do not intend to reduce my pampering one bit, for it gives me much joy.

My Freo, My Ozzie (Nov 2018 @ Balboa Park)

This morning I was texting with a friend who is working hard on training his mind. There is a lot of dialog going on, and he is putting earnest effort. I feel he's working too hard, too tight. So I gave him the example of dog walking, which I share with you. Here we go -

When walking the dog we keep it on a leash. If the dog is somewhat trained, the leash can be retractable. But there is a limit to the length of the leash. For our walks, we start from home and we return home. We have a general idea of the walking path, but it is allowed to be varied. The timing should be such that it works for both the dogs and the dog walker's schedule. During the walks, the dogs are to be on the sidewalk, and when crossing the roads, the dog walker makes sure that there is no oncoming traffic and that it is safe to cross. The dog walker tugs on the leash gently, kindly, but firmly, so as to make sure the dog gets the message and does not run into oncoming traffic or takes off after another dog or skateboarder. However, the dog also has freedom. He can investigate, pee, poop wherever he likes. The dog walker picks up the poop for safe disposal. The dog has free rein on movement within the limits of the leash length. He also can request a change of route, and the dog walker often obliges. He can spend as much sniffing time he wants on the walk on one particular fence or hydrant or tree stump. The walker is patient and often finds the investigative nature of the dog quite amusing. The walker observes that the dog eventually completes his investigation and moves on, and does not stay on one item for too long. It is the nature of a dog. The walker decides when it is time to get home and rest, and expertly herds the dog home. Usually this whole process is a very fulfilling experience for both the dog walker and the dog. They are both very happy after the walk, refreshed and peaceful.

This dog walking process is no different from how we train the mind, on the meditation cushion and off the cushion. There is no harshness in the process. The process (walk) is kindful and pleasant, but directed and efficient. This is the right method of training for anything, be it for a sport, or a skill. There can be firmness, but there need not be any harshness. This subtlety is often lost on the teachers and pupils. When there is harshness, the whole training process is strained and often painful and leads to a bitter experience for both. Hence, when trying to train the mind for anything, be it a new diet, or workout plan, or learning to play an instrument, or studying for the exam, the process has to be similar to walking the dog. Allow the mind to investigate, pee, and poop when it needs to. Pick up the poop. Make a plan for the walk and firmly follow it, with allowance for little variations here and there. Let the mind roll and stop where it likes, watch amused how it likes to sniff and pee on useless objects, watch how it often wants to run after other dogs or skateboarders, watch how it does not know how and when to cross the road and needs your wisdom to help it. As the wisdom faculty develops, it is very kind to the restless mind energy, it is compassionate, it is loving and caring. It knows where the destination is and which way to go and the time limitations, that is extremely clear. But it allows the mind to roam about along the way, to allow that mind to express itself, even if it is mere peeing and pooping. There is no resentment whatsoever. There is understanding - look, this is the nature of the mind, it pees and poops. So the wisdom faculty (the dog walker) is gentle with that nature. 

I understand self-love as this process. This is taking care ourselves. It is not about massages, and mani-pedi, or vacations, or restaurants, or climbing mountains, or even sex. While those are very nice and pleasurable activities and should be done when needed. The true self-care is about learning how the nature of this mind really is, and then wisely direct it from unwholesome towards wholesome, without any ill-will or anger or harshness towards the task at hand, caring for it with boundless love and patience (and picking up the poop too!!).

Of Flowers and Finances

These days I buy flowers for myself, and also love to receive flowers. I know it is not a big deal, lots of people buy and receive flowers everyday, every grocery store and mall has a flower store. But it is a very big deal for me. For much of my life I did not buy flowers, nor did I like it when people gave me flowers. For me flowers represented a state of impermanence, and I was on a quest to make things last forever - my home, my marriage, my relationships, my career, my everything. I wanted very intensely that no matter what I started on should be perfect, and once I have created it, it should also sustain itself over time. This was a deep seated quest within me, honed with decades of insecurities while being blessed with an innate drive. I was able to build grand castles with flimsy cards and keep them standing, while anxiously protecting them from each gust of wind or shake of the table. At what cost, even I did not know very well at that time. 40 years of incessant quest, non stop. As I said, I was blessed with a drive energy, but not with adequate life wisdom to focus the drive in the right channels and to understand the true nature of how the world works. I had no clue! I had this us-and-them relationship with the world/ nature. I needed to fight to create and maintain and protect my castles of cards. I had internalized the misguided aphorism "no pain, no gain". My quest was therefore also that of pain. Instead of working "with" the natural order of things, I believed I needed to work "in spite" of it.

Flowers in my Living Room, March 2019

My energy and drive served me well. I have survived a very painful abused childhood, I now live in a very developed country, own my home and all the luxuries that this lifestyle has to offer, I have invested 20+ years in a career and advanced rapidly. I fondly recollect the joy of being 33 and managing $300M program of projects with five teams in four continents with the efficiency of a well practiced orchestra master. I thrived on that. Today I have a engineering and management consulting practice in San Diego, that I have carefully nurtured and grown; we are are in our ninth year. In the last decade, I survived seven years of major crisis one year after the other, each as profound as the other, and so closely situated that I faced a new crisis before I could heal from the previous one. There were major car accidents, death, cancer scares, surgeries, disenchantment with family, divorce, major financial stress, and more. Well, I am still standing! Some days this realization itself fills me with an intense sense of gratitude. And during this last decade, I also found Vipassana, and that finally started bringing a bit of wisdom in my life. It is as if a door within me has opened, and I am slowly and cautiously making my way into myself, learning what lies within, and by doing just that I am learning how the world really works outside, I am learning to live with it and not against it anymore. I'm learning to let the water hold me as I try to swim, and not fight it. It is a new skill, I am not expert at it yet, but getting better everyday.

So what about the flowers?
Yes, flowers are impermanent. And they are a representation of nature, as it is. Beautiful flowers are born, they live their cycle, and then pass away, when they do they actually stink of melted leaves and faded blooms. I am getting used to that experiential truth, in my meditation practice on the cushion, and as it overflows into my day to day life. I am not seeking permanence anymore. I am learning to accept that flow of life as it arrives every moment, allowing it rather than blocking it or trying to channel it by force. I have more or less discarded will-power, and started to follow the lead of wisdom-power.

All this is good and nice, may even sound koo-koo to some. I sometimes feel the same! But then when I really watch the change that has come in my life and subtle benefits of peace, clarity, and fearlessness, I am amazed. These benefits are to be experienced deep within. One cannot see another and measure from outside. It is all internal. And I am so very grateful that I have a practice, I go to that mental gym and workout everyday, my mind gradually purifying, getting stronger, and the tendrils of true courage sprouting.

So what about the finances?
In the "traditional world" as I call it, where we live our life with a script, either handed to us by society or by our own fears, we live by goals. Boy, did I do those yearly goal setting exercises every year of my adulthood. In fact, in my drive to excel, I'd measure progress every month, sometimes every week. There was a time in 2003 - 2007 when I had read every self-help or career/ life book available. You  name it, and I have read it. Not only read it, I have applied it in my life. See, I used to think that was true life wisdom, and it was outside of me in words, and I needed to read, intellectualize, and then put habits in place to actualize. They worked, to a large extent, but was not complete. Because it was someone else's wisdom, not arising from within.

Now, with my practice, I have learned to see my fears and anxieties, raw and palpating, as they arise. I have learned to sit with them, raw and palpating, without taking any other "out", be it an intoxicant, or a pill, or a flight of fancy in hope-land, or an emotional crutch in another being. It is HARD, I tell you. But since 2014, this has been the sole focus of my existence, to learn how to surf these internal waves. By no means I am an expert surfer, but these days I can stand on the waves longer than being drawn under it gasping for air, or being battered unconscious by my own surfboard. During these last five years, I have realized that financial independence is one of the key foundation stones I need to secure for a balanced life moving forward.

There is a strong FIRE movement afoot. It is still counterculture to some extent, and it intrigues me. I have been talking about retirement to my friends for a few years, but I really mean financial independence. It is what one prominent blogger calls having F-you Money, I like that. I am gradually reading through the huge body of information that is available, and the more I read it feels totally in line with what I have in mind for myself into the future. So I am starting to write a different "fuzzy" goal, form a "fuzzy" plan, and start step-by-step action as coordinated as I can get.
When will you retire? I don't know, there are many factors that go into it. I need to plan that effectively. Financial Independence is the first step. Then I will decide.
What will you do when you retire? Oh! I have a hobby-rich temperament, I will have no dearth of things to do. I know that for sure.
Will you travel? Maybe. (Most probably I will meditate a whole lot more than what I can afford today. And increase my hospice-related effort.)
Will you still be working in your field? Probably, because I love my clients very much, and helping them makes me happy.

I look at FIRE as more of a way to have full freedom and access to my time. Having been through couple life-threatening accidents, some very serious health issues and surgeries, and having watched the death process first hand few times, I now know experientialy that there is limited time. I need to focus on Making Time, that is, freeing up my time from most useless distractions. And in that process, making space for whatever wholesome qualities wants to bloom in my heart. Financial independence for me is like the water in the vase, it is life sustaining for the flowers for the period of their beautiful existence and I need to keep it fresh and enough. Flowers don't last forever, and I will not as well. And when this flower fades out of existence, I wish that the dead leaves, blooms and water go into some good compost, so that it can give life to new flowers and help them bloom their own cycle. That is the purpose of this life of mine, my manifesto!

Car Bumper and My Inflexible Mind

On the last Monday of January, I had an important client meeting up in North County. I had missed breakfast and the meeting went on till late into lunch time. I was famished, so I decided to go through the local McDonald's and get a quick meal. As I was pulling through the drive-thru lane, a GMC Sierra decided to back into my Prius. I could see the truck backing, it was too late to stop, so I accelerated and honked. It hit my rear bumper and it came loose. The driver was shocked, slightly irritated, but mostly sad. He started out with, "Lady, you were driving too fast....", and I said, "I wish I was, then I would have cleared the truck. It was my right of way though..." This could have been an altercation, but I was not up for a fight, I was not upset or anxious or feeling any trepidation. I was in fact quite cool and easy. So we exchanged insurance info and license info. He helped me somehow secure the rear bumper so that I could drive the 40 miles back home. I gave him a hug before I left. I avoided the freeway speeds and drove the scenic way home along Route 1, which was a treat.

Just another minor car accident

I came home, secured the bumper with tape. Then started the phone calls with State Farm (my insurance), getting couple estimates, then picking a body shop, waiting for the part to arrive, renting a car, dropping off my Prius, driving the rental for few days, and then finally getting the Prius back today. During this process, in stark contrast to the coolness I had experienced during the accident, I felt quite flustered and slightly irritated. It was interesting to watch my mind being inflexible.

My garage door was connected to my Prius rear-view mirror (there is a garage opener button) and I have lost or misplaced the only clicker I had. So I needed to go buy a new garage door opener, which cost me some money and something I would not have usually bought. Yes, I could have parked the rental on the street, but that would have opened the rental to a chance of damage that I didn't want to subscribe to when having a perfectly good garage. After researching on Amazon, I bought the clicker from Home Depot at a higher cost. Then programmed it to the garage door and was surprised how easy that was. Made me wonder about what weak our protection systems are for our homes!

Next, Hertz gave me a Kia Soul. I did not like the car at all. Mileage was around 17 miles/gallon, which is dismal compared to my Prius. I don't care much for the looks, so that didn't bother me much. But honestly, it is quite an ugly looking car, cube is not something we associate well with aerodynamics (which might explain its low mileage). Little things bothered me, such as lack of key less entry, especially when I needed to carry four bags around. Then figuring out the radio and blue tooth connection was not very intuitive (software interface of my 2012 Prius' is worse, but it is okay because I do not have to program it often). There was no GPS or a map program, shows how dependent I have become on that feature. But most importantly, when they did the inspection before giving me the car, the kid at Hertz may or may not have noted the ding on the windshield. They never sent me the report! So the next day I drove to the rental place again and asked them to do a re-inspection. Meantime I was worried that I might get charged for a windshield. So much hassle.

Well, I returned the car today, and am back in my Prius. Order has been restored in my world!!

What I found so interesting was that during the three days I had this rental, I felt displaced. It was a very odd feeling. There was a time when, mostly in resonance with my ex-husband's excitement, I used to get excited about the opportunity to drive a new car. Why not check out this new manufacturer and the cool new buttons and conveniences of the rental. Read up on the stats, discuss the differences, etc. But this time, I was feeling more aversion than excitement. I looked at driving that car as a chore and even postponed some errands because I did not want to drive that car. It was an okay car, but my mind did not want to get into it. I watched that sense of aversion, it was light but palpable, and very interesting. The best analogy I can give is that repulsion you feel when bringing two similar poles of two weak magnets together, say two fridge magnets. When we bring the N-N or S-S together, there is a slight repulsion that is felt in the fingers. We can still force the contact to happen as our arm strength is more than the repulsive force of the pithy magnets, but we can feel that repulsion. My mind's state was kind of like that, repulsed by the notion of having to drive another car but mine. I still did it, and all the while my rational/ logical side knew that this was temporary, but I still felt that repulsion.

I find this very interesting, don't you? Yes, we can chalk this sensation as "Oh! I am getting older. I don't like things changing." But is it that? I change so many things every day, why will a car be any different? I am not very attached to my Prius, it is just a workhorse for me. Given the money I would get myself a Subaru Impreza as my dream car. As I observed this inflexibility of my mind, it sure made me very curious as to what was going on, deep inside, what is this tendency of the mind and why it moves the way it moves. It is not logic, it is not pure emotions either, or at least it did not seem so. What ever it is, it is very interesting!