Emotional Abuse

Patrix's post got me charged up about this issue. I have lived through emotional abuse as a child and because of my personal experience, I am especially sensitive to this subject and still bear the scars. I do not know if I will ever get over it, I am however making a very conscious effort to do so.

To love and be loved is the very reason of existence for human beings. We are social beings and being isolated and lonely does not work. Children are the most vulnerable lot when it comes to the need for love. When that love is conditional, it is an abuse that is so deep seated that it never cures.

Quoting Andrew Vachss - "Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection."

The parents abuse their power over the child by -

• Bullying and demeaning the child's efforts: "You can never get it right!", "You are so stupid!", "You'll never be a success like XX", "I'm ashamed you're my child", "You have humiliated me in front of my colleagues!"

• Guilt: "Do you have any idea how much we had to do for you, and this is what you show us as your gratitude?", "How can you be so cruel to the parents who brought you to this world, clothed you, fed you, and took care of you!"

• Fear: The child thinks - "I wish I hadn't made father so mad, he would not have hit me this way", "It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke her somehow."

• Withholding love: Children are made to 'earn' their parent's love by fulfilling futile demands, e.g. being first in 4th grade. (Tell me, really, what effect does that rank have in the kid's lifetime achievement, why torture him/her so much for it?)

• False endearments and excuses: "Dear, don't you know how much we love you? How can a mother/ father not love their child, after all we gave birth to you, it's the law of nature", "We get mad at you only because we love you so much, we are crazy about you."
  

This abuse is sometimes physical - but more often the deeper, lasting wound is emotional where the child is encouraged to believe that he/she is "no good". Children get conditioned to try to explain what the parents are doing to them by assuming the blame for their own abuse - often feeling that the abuse they are suffering was their own fault. I grew up with pathologically strict standards at home and was forced to be an adult from the age of three. I miss my childhood, and when I hear stories of others' care-free childhood, I cannot help but feel overwhelmingly sad. Those days cannot be retrieved - they are gone forever, lost. And the victims do not "just get over it" when they become adults - their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness.

Some abusers are proud to practice emotional abuse. And they justify their psychological brutality by asserting that this practice helps their children to "toughen up" and make them ready for the 'real world'. And when faced with questions many years hence, these parents also justify the abuse by "Look how well you turned out! You are such a successful adult now. It was all because we were so tough on you."
Nothing can be further from the truth. The end does not justify the means - beating children does not produce good citizens.

A common story: Parents love their kid. They want a bright future for the kid. So, with all their might, they hold the kid’s face to the books for twenty years – no fun or friends allowed. In their mind, they are doing this for the kid’s future – he/she will grow up with a sound education and will be able to pursue a respectable career and become “successful”. Very noble intentions, right? But what happens? The kid is lonely, develops no people skills for twenty years, and by the time its time to lift-off into the brilliant career the parents so wished for, the kid has a nervous breakdown. He/she spends time in and out institutions for rest of the life. Parents are upset and depressed – they cannot believe this happened and blame the kid even more for not living up to their expectations.

The effects of emotional abuse:

• I have seen that most children emotionally abused as a kid suffer from the constant need for approval, be it peers, friends, family, siblings, colleagues, managers, the list goes on.

• These victims cannot seem to draw the line between approval and love, between attention and affection. Growing up they have experienced that love and affection is only conditional. So when they do get approval or the slightest attention, they think they are being loved as well and often set themselves up for disappointment.

• Some later perpetuate the cycle with their own children, just because they do not know any better and are conditioned to thinking one way.

• Some develop a severely damaged self-concept and inability to truly engage and bond with others. For example, I was not able to make friends in school, I never felt I belonged. I always felt different and could not connect. The almost-inevitable failure of relationships reinforces that sense of unworthiness - it's a vicious cycle.

• These victims are never satisfied with their success because of the deep rooted sense of unworthiness instilled by their parents. They are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves. They always remain hungry.
  

What should you do if you have been a victim? Well, I am still working on figuring that out. Here are some ideas that have worked for me, may be it will help you:

1. Believe in yourself - Tell yourself several times a day that "You are what you are today DESPITE of your childhood, not because of it." Recognize that you have been hurt and that there is nothing you can do about the past. Applaud yourself that you have survived it, no thanks to your abusers, but on your own tenacity.
2. Become responsible for your behavior from now on - you and only you have the power over yourself. Dissociate yourself from your abusers, if that is what it takes. You want to make sure that you do not get hurt anymore.
3. Accept that you are not responsible for your abuser's behavior. You do not deserve to be abused, no matter what the abuser tries to sell you. Flex your power and let them know that they do not have any control on you. You make the rules and they play by it from now on. If they choose not to, then they loose you for good, and frankly you do not care anymore. They now have to 'earn' your love just like you had to when you were a kid.
   
4. Should you forgive? That is a very tough one. Personally, I am having a very difficult time with this. I think it depends if you can be at peace with yourself after all the painful history. This act of forgiveness is targeted to release yourself from your own anger. Do not confuse this by equating this to an act of forgiveness where you absolve your abusers for their guilt (if they feel any after all these years) of hurting you. They have to battle with their own guilt and it's their penance. You should take no responsibility for their emotional well-being and you are NOT responsible for their rehabilitation.
   

Do not get pressured by anyone to forgive (or not to forgive) your abusers. You need to go through this fourth and most difficult step on your own time and at your own pace - the right to forgive belongs to you and only you, you choose when and how, and it's perfectly all right to never forgive them. But do focus on releasing your anger, because it still hurts you and does you no good. Work on self-preservation.

I am at this difficult last step and am constantly battling on how to release my anger of being wronged, of being deprived of my childhood years. It is very hard and it will probably take me many more years to overcome.

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Reading suggestion: Check out Andrew Vachss' work on this topic. You can find some good articles here. There is a lot to think about.