My husband and I are separating. We are in the process of ending a 23 year old relationship and this is a very difficult time in my life. It feels like there is nothing to make me move forward. There is a deep sense of vacuum that I have never encountered in my life, everything that I had constructed as a image of life seems to have shattered. I am feeling fearful, confused, a deep and profound groundlessness. I am interacting with the world but it seems to not have any meaning. I feel that nothing can put it together. I will however mention that except for only one day of anger that I felt during the early days, I have not been angry at all. It's just this profound feeling that I don't have a ground to stand on.
It's been about two months since we took the decision to separate, but our relationship has been on the decline for about two years. I worked hard on trying to fix it but it was not to be. What has happened has happened. What I think I need to do is find a path forward.
Have you thought about the word Tear? It's the word that means something that has been broken or shredded, it also means the little droplets of salty water that flow from the eye when you are hurt. Today was the first time that word made sense to me. When your world is in shreds, it hurts and you cry. Tear leads to tears. It's one miraculous word that expresses both cause and effect.
My world changed quite a bit when I did my first Vipassana meditation course in January 2010. Then, the following year, I had a major accident from which I escaped without a scratch. In 2012, my mother passed away unexpectedly after a short battle with occult primary cancer. After that it took two painful years for my marriage to dissolve. I am also in the middle of a health scare that I am maneuvering though right now. I feel as if I am at the end of all experiences that I could have in a lifetime and I'm only 38 years old! But I do know there is much more that this world can serve to me, I just have to prepare myself for it.
Today, where I stand, I have a few thoughts going through my mind that are very profound. I am beginning to feel and understand at a very deep level the futility of pursuit of happiness by worldly means, that Shantideva so eloquently put it as "We, who are like senseless children, shrink from suffering, but love its causes." To some extent I knew this from the tender age of nine. I remember sitting on the terrace at our apartment in Hyderabad and thinking about this - why was my father so insistent on grades, what will it really give me, when I grow up and make money and status will it be actually what is right, why do I feel that people are running around and scrambling and not really understanding the futility of this marathon, can I just leave everything and focus on the poor, will that be the best thing to do for me, then what about security and who will look out for me when I am sick and old...... At that time my Sanskrit teacher at school was making us learn chanting "Bhaja Govindam" by Shankaracharya. We used to learn the verses and enter competitions to recite them and win prizes (listen). There were may verses that resonated with me then, though I was probably too young to understand them. These three in particular were my favorite and to this day I can recite them anytime:
नलिनीदलगत जलमतितरलं
तद्वज्जीवितमतिशयचपलम्
विद्धि व्याध्यभिमानग्रस्तं
लोकं शोकहतं च समस्तम्
(Translation: The life of a person is as uncertain as rain drops trembling on a lotus leaf, Know that the whole world remains a prey to disease, ego and grief.)
मा कुरु धन जन यौवन गर्वं
हरति निमेषात्कालः सर्वम्
मायामयमिदमखिलं हित्वा
ब्रह्मपदं त्वं प्रविश विदित्वा
(Translation: Do not boast of wealth, friends, and youth. Each one of these are destroyed within a minute by time. Free yourself from the illusion of the world of Maya and attain the timeless Truth.)
सत्सङ्गत्वे निस्सङ्गत्वं
निस्सङ्गत्वे निर्मोहत्वम्
निर्मोहत्वे निश्चलतत्त्वं
निश्चलतत्त्वे जीवन्मुक्तिः
(Translation: From the company of good people, comes non-attachment, from non-attachment comes
freedom from delusion, which leads to self-settledness, From self-settledness comes salvation).
The essence of these verses resonated with me then, but I had to let it go. What could I have done? Become an ascetic? I told myself that I was silly thinking of such stuff, for there are no answers to questions like this. But strangely enough, these questions have haunted me over and over again. I have asked myself these questions in private almost every year since, I have played around with possible answers for about couple decades. I had no one to discuss them with, I was also afraid that I would be coded as narcissistic or laughed at because these were existential questions and not something young people delve into. It was stuff for old retired people to ponder on when they have excess time on their hands. These questions did not fit the construct of the world I was in. The job of young people is to study hard, get a honorable degree, work, build a career, marry, buy a house, have a family, be the best parent you can be, save for retirement, play with grandkids, etc. I pursued that path.
And now? My world is torn apart, there are tears in my heart, where does that leave me? Should I pursue these questions now or should I construct another world - partner, career, money, cars, vacations, etc. - for another 30 years? I don't know. I suppose I am at a crossroad, and it's very cloudy, I should figure this out! The opportunity is there, but am I ready? Am I afraid?
It's been about two months since we took the decision to separate, but our relationship has been on the decline for about two years. I worked hard on trying to fix it but it was not to be. What has happened has happened. What I think I need to do is find a path forward.
Have you thought about the word Tear? It's the word that means something that has been broken or shredded, it also means the little droplets of salty water that flow from the eye when you are hurt. Today was the first time that word made sense to me. When your world is in shreds, it hurts and you cry. Tear leads to tears. It's one miraculous word that expresses both cause and effect.
My world changed quite a bit when I did my first Vipassana meditation course in January 2010. Then, the following year, I had a major accident from which I escaped without a scratch. In 2012, my mother passed away unexpectedly after a short battle with occult primary cancer. After that it took two painful years for my marriage to dissolve. I am also in the middle of a health scare that I am maneuvering though right now. I feel as if I am at the end of all experiences that I could have in a lifetime and I'm only 38 years old! But I do know there is much more that this world can serve to me, I just have to prepare myself for it.
Today, where I stand, I have a few thoughts going through my mind that are very profound. I am beginning to feel and understand at a very deep level the futility of pursuit of happiness by worldly means, that Shantideva so eloquently put it as "We, who are like senseless children, shrink from suffering, but love its causes." To some extent I knew this from the tender age of nine. I remember sitting on the terrace at our apartment in Hyderabad and thinking about this - why was my father so insistent on grades, what will it really give me, when I grow up and make money and status will it be actually what is right, why do I feel that people are running around and scrambling and not really understanding the futility of this marathon, can I just leave everything and focus on the poor, will that be the best thing to do for me, then what about security and who will look out for me when I am sick and old...... At that time my Sanskrit teacher at school was making us learn chanting "Bhaja Govindam" by Shankaracharya. We used to learn the verses and enter competitions to recite them and win prizes (listen). There were may verses that resonated with me then, though I was probably too young to understand them. These three in particular were my favorite and to this day I can recite them anytime:
नलिनीदलगत जलमतितरलं
तद्वज्जीवितमतिशयचपलम्
विद्धि व्याध्यभिमानग्रस्तं
लोकं शोकहतं च समस्तम्
(Translation: The life of a person is as uncertain as rain drops trembling on a lotus leaf, Know that the whole world remains a prey to disease, ego and grief.)
मा कुरु धन जन यौवन गर्वं
हरति निमेषात्कालः सर्वम्
मायामयमिदमखिलं हित्वा
ब्रह्मपदं त्वं प्रविश विदित्वा
(Translation: Do not boast of wealth, friends, and youth. Each one of these are destroyed within a minute by time. Free yourself from the illusion of the world of Maya and attain the timeless Truth.)
सत्सङ्गत्वे निस्सङ्गत्वं
निस्सङ्गत्वे निर्मोहत्वम्
निर्मोहत्वे निश्चलतत्त्वं
निश्चलतत्त्वे जीवन्मुक्तिः
(Translation: From the company of good people, comes non-attachment, from non-attachment comes
freedom from delusion, which leads to self-settledness, From self-settledness comes salvation).
The essence of these verses resonated with me then, but I had to let it go. What could I have done? Become an ascetic? I told myself that I was silly thinking of such stuff, for there are no answers to questions like this. But strangely enough, these questions have haunted me over and over again. I have asked myself these questions in private almost every year since, I have played around with possible answers for about couple decades. I had no one to discuss them with, I was also afraid that I would be coded as narcissistic or laughed at because these were existential questions and not something young people delve into. It was stuff for old retired people to ponder on when they have excess time on their hands. These questions did not fit the construct of the world I was in. The job of young people is to study hard, get a honorable degree, work, build a career, marry, buy a house, have a family, be the best parent you can be, save for retirement, play with grandkids, etc. I pursued that path.
And now? My world is torn apart, there are tears in my heart, where does that leave me? Should I pursue these questions now or should I construct another world - partner, career, money, cars, vacations, etc. - for another 30 years? I don't know. I suppose I am at a crossroad, and it's very cloudy, I should figure this out! The opportunity is there, but am I ready? Am I afraid?
