Two Scribbles, A Memory

Twenty three and half years

Distilled, few black dots on white

Two scribbles, The End.

I penned this little poem last year on this day. This was the day we signed our divorce papers at the mediator's office. The document had exactly 24 pages and we had to initial each page, and sign at the end. As I was going through the motions, my heart was hurting very much. Every page I initialed and gave to him, I felt like I was tearing away a piece of me. But I did it, then walked out of the office, managed to smile a goodbye as well. Then I drove to a holiday party. My friends had put together a fantastic spread, but my time spent with them is just a blur. I remember talking a lot about my marriage and the papers, may be I had bored the hell out of them. But they all were very compassionate, and made me feel very cared for. I will remain ever grateful for their love and kindness during that time.

So how do I feel today? Well, I can give you a good comparison. The great poet Rabindranath Tagore had penned poetry for every possible emotion that we humans can ever face, and gave it an appropriate tune as well. Today two songs come to mind that can aptly depict then and now. My Bengali friends will understand the beauty of the lyrics and their appropriateness. I have attempted to translate the lyrics for my non-Bengali friends. Please forgive me if I cannot make justice to the poet's intensity.

Last year, at this time, I felt I was tossing about in the ocean, within a raging storm, pelting rain and high ferocious waves, with no flotation device. I was bobbing up and down, gasping for air, barely managing to keep afloat. I was feeling like I was drowning - scared, very sad, distraught, distressed, depressed, confused - feeling like there was no way out of this. The attachment to the 23+ years of life was severe, and as it was being amputated, the wound was bleeding profusely. I was lost and exhausted, totally devoid of strength.

Where is the end for this road? What is at that end?

All this desire, all this effort, where does this lead to?
Where is the end for this road? What is at that end?

Waves of tears fill my heart and throat, 

All I see in front is darkness

They say that there is a bank out there, a beach somewhere to land on

But where is it?
Where is the end for this road? What is at that end?

Today I look back at my life and it is like an elaborate illusion

I understand that there is no end to craving

That is why my heart fears so

This boat is wandering rudderless with broken and torn sails, and with no destination.

Where is the end for this road? What is at that end?

- Translation and faults are all mine

This year, it is different. I find myself on a raft, still mid-ocean. The raging storm is gone, the waves are quieter, though sometimes they still get high. There is some sunshine, some fog. I have enough supplies on the raft to keep me going for a while. However, I do not have a compass or a map or oars. So, I am sitting here, learning to be patient with myself and my emotions, learning to trust the great healer that is Time. And a part of me is gently saying goodbye to the past, with some pain still throbbing. I will not return, I know. Metamorphosis is happening, it is very slow and it is very raw. When the wind touches my skin, it singes me.

When my steps will fall on this path no more,

Then will I stop rowing my boat to the shore,

I will end my trades and settle my debts

My visit will cease to the market place 

Remember me not then, beloved

Call not for me from those distant stars.

When dust will collect on this harp of mine

When the doors will hide behind the thorny vine,

The garden, the garb of the weeds will wear

And moss will cover the banks of the mere 

Remember me not then, beloved

Call not for me from those distant stars.

The same melody the flute will play 

The days will course in the unchanged way

Boats will be laden from the same pier,

Shepherds will frolic,

And cattle will graze in the same manner

Remember me not then, beloved

Call not for me from those distant stars.

Who is it that says I am not there that morning?

You will call me by a new name,

I will be there to join in every game

You will encircle me with renewed ties

And I will come and go as usual – the eternal I  

Remember me not then, beloved

Call not for me from those distant stars.

- Translated by Ratna De

Ten Days with the Monastics

This Thanksgiving I spent ten days with the monastics in Santa Rosa, Sonoma County, California. They are the Theravada Bhikkunis following the path of mind purification and life of simple living and meditation. I split my time in two places, about half the time in their house (Vihara) nestled in the beautiful rolling hills of Sonoma County, and the other half camping in tiny “kuti” in the cold wet redwood forest (Aranya Bodhi Hermitage) in the mountains by the ocean near Jenner By The Sea. It was an enlightening experience for me.

In the West, monasticism is a difficult concept to understand, especially here in the US, as there are not too many such opportunities available for people to see and observe. Some people also view monasticism as an escapist attitude from the world. It is also viewed with a very strict religious light, bordering on fanaticism. That is very unfortunate. In old Europe, and especially in ancient cultures like India and China, monasticism has been very much a part of normal life. In India, in the ancient times, life was supposed to be divided in four phases: first phase to be spent as a bhahmachari (a celibate student diligently focused on a career skill), then a grihastha (married, working, raising a family), next vanaprasta (somewhat retired, enjoying family time with young grandkids and preparing the mind for letting go), and finally sanyaas (monastic who has let go of worldly life and has “gone forth”). While this was a guideline, during that time young men and women of various ages also used to “go forth” anytime during their lifetime, sometimes as young as in their teens. In some families, at least one child was often encouraged to take up monasticism. Letting go of all the comforts of the world and relationships is not an easy thing to do, it takes a lot of dedication and very strong intent.

Life of a monastic involves adherence to strict rules of morality and some additional self-imposed guidelines which is directed to help prepare the mind to train for purity. One may choose to believe in a particular God or not, that part is not required. If one has a lot of faith in a particular God or higher power, it is easier for one to use that reverence to concentrate the mind and "take refuge". But it is not necessary to believe in a God. I stress this point because I am an atheist. The pursuit is predominantly to understand the mind and how it works, and to figure out ways to alleviate suffering that is so rife in worldly life. No matter which faith one professes, the monastics in all the faiths pursue this one goal – follow a path that eradicates suffering for self and others. Those who are successful in this pursuit become very accomplished human beings, not of worldly wealth but with immense spiritual wealth. They are not afraid of old age, sickness, or death, they become completely devoid of ego and as a result develop tremendous compassion and love for all beings and dedicate their lives to ease the suffering of all beings. They spend their life with no judgement, just in pure service of this world of sorrows. Through their intense practice they eradicate the negative emotions of greed, lust, hate, anger, delusion, pride, jealousy, laziness, foolishness, etc., and have evolve into gentle, caring, devoted, intelligent, generous, and dedicated individuals. If one goes and researches each spiritual faith in the world, there are many examples of such saintly people, and for the beautiful qualities they develop, some are revered as divine. However, only too often there are also examples of people who are fakes, and live a life of greed and gluttony, but I am not referring to those people, they are not the true accomplished beings. Most true monastics live in abject poverty for they have no need or craving for worldly wealth, and the energy that drives their lives is the realization of the truth about suffering and the way out of it, and that they show everyone that comes in contact with them with all the kindness and love in the world.

View from the front of the Vihara

Early morning at the Vihara

The backpatio

My walking meditation path at Vihara

I spent ten days with very conscious and ardent monastics and had a very nice time at Dhammadharini. The five beautiful and wise women I met were inspiring. It is hard to find such pure hearts in the "regular" world we live in. The Vihara they live in is rented. It is quite big with a cute frontyard and wrap around balcony, and a large backyard. The large family room is used as meditation room whereas the living room serves as a library. Upstairs there are four bedrooms and also a spacious attic. There is a guest room downstairs, and I shared it with another volunteer. Unfortunately this accommodation is temporary because the homeowners are not planning to renew the lease. The Bhikkunis are looking to find alternative location for a Vihara. It would be best if a new large home could be bought for them, but raising funds for such an endeavor is not easy. They have managed to raise some funds, but it is a long way to go. Monastics live on charity and have no money of their own. Their lay community, while attentive to their living needs such as food, clothing, and amenities, is not big enough to support the construction / purchase of a Vihara and the fundraising has been slow. Recently they have launched a crowdfunding site with the hopes of raising some funds. For those who are interested to help them, please see this link.

The daily routine at the Vihara and Forest Hermitage is pretty much the same. The morning starts at 5am with an hour long meditation, followed by morning chanting of excerpts from various suttas. These suttas start the day off on a contemplative mode focused on the right view, right mindfulness, right effort, along with metta (loving kindness) for all beings. Following the chanting, we all engage in various light chores, with minimal talking. One member prepares breakfast for the group. Then at about 6:30am, breakfast is served. It is very simple, mostly oatmeal, along with yogurt, milk, nuts, some fixings, and fruits. Of course, tea and coffee is available. Once complete, the utensils are washed and put away and then there is a discussion/study period. At the time of my visit, the monastics were working on a translation of the Dhammapada, and looking at the text from a feminine viewpoint. After 9AM, one or two members are engaged in the preparation of lunch.

It is a precept of the monastics that they are to have their meal before midday. So, lunch is typically served around 11am. Once the food is ready, a gong is struck. The monastics follow an elaborate ceremony for the midday meal. The lay person has to inform them that the food is served, the monastics then approach the food in silence. The lay person then formally offers them the food, which they then take into their bowls. Once back in their seat, there is some chanting, which is mainly thanking the lay persons for their generous donation of food, which is considered as alms. The monastics wish the lay people health and happiness. After that, they reflect on the meal - that it is not for fun, not for pleasure, not for fattening, not for beautification, only for the maintenance and nourishment of the body, keeping it healthy, for helping with the monastic life, and stressing that they will allay hunger without overeating, so that they can continue to live blamelessly and at ease. After that, they eat their food in total silence. The lay person also gets her food and eats in silence. I found this practice very touching, especially the reflection on the food as a necessity for life and nothing more. Note, monastics live on donated food, so there is no restriction on vegetarian food, if chicken or fish or any other non-veg is donated, it gets consumed with equal thankfulness.

After lunch, there is a short question-answer session with lay persons, that is if there are any questions the lay people may have related to the practice of a good life (and I had so many!!!). The monastics patiently listen and offer advice. Once the session is complete, the lay people clear and clean up the kitchen, and everyone retires for private study or practice. One can meditate for the rest of the afternoon, take rest, read, do work/chores, etc. Silence is encouraged all the time. People do not speak unless it is necessary, and there is no chit-chat.

There is no dinner for the monastics, however tea, miso soup, cheese, and dark chocolates is allowed in the evening around 5:30PM. Everyone gathers around the kitchen and there is a bit of discussion about next day's plans and chores. Thereafter, at 6PM there is the evening chanting. This too is focused on a few suttas related to a particular topic of interest and study. After the chanting, there is an hour of group meditation, and everyone then retires to their rooms for further meditation, study, or sleep. Again, in silence.

While this is the general routine, during my stay, we had a day-long meditation retreat at the Vihara focused on death and body contemplation. During the retreat, from 8am through 5pm, we did continuous meditation, sometimes walking, sometimes sitting, along with a few guided meditation sessions. We also had a dharma talk on the subject. This was really a nice experience, as I had never been to such day-long sessions with walking meditation. I liked it very much. On another day, we had two visiting monastics, who came with their extended families, including few kids. It felt like a holiday house, where the guests were talking a lot with crying/squealing kids. But it was really nice, the lunch part was very ceremonious and the families seemed to enjoy the fanfare.

The forest, imagine walking in the dark here

Forest path

Forest Hermitage schedule

A tiny bridge over a tiny creek

The meditation tent and kitchen

My meditation cushion

Entrance to my "kuti"

My space of peace

It is wet and damp, but so very beautiful

An ancient pillar from Korea, gifted by a generous donor. This is also the site for a future meeting hall

Another kuti

At the forest hermitage, the mood was very different. Being in the deep forest, there is no cellular coverage at all, one is very secluded, and there is no power at the little kutis nor restrooms. (There are two outhouses near the kitchen/meditation tent area.) Nights were very dark and beautiful, being surrounded by tall redwoods and pines and forest noises. There was heating with propane tanks at the kutis, and any reading or work had to be done by candlelight. Walking to the meditation tent in the morning and going back to the kuti at night was initially hair-raising in the darkness. The first night I was afraid, I do not know why, it was so dark that my flashlight could only illuminate two feet ahead of me as I climbed up the steep incline. My mindfulness was high and I could feel every step, the heaving of my chest, and the muscles at the back of my neck and shoulders being taut. But then there was the other me which kept laughing and saying - Look! You are scared! Are you afraid of animals? Are you afraid of ghosts? - I was split into two beings, one who was having the experience and the other who was just fine and enjoying the moment.

The center has couple solar panels that provided limited electricity to the kitchen and meditation hall, and also a wifi. However, due to the short winter days, on most mornings there was no power as the batteries got discharged overnight. There was hot water in the kitchen by gas heating, but the regular spring water was ice cold. Every time I touched the cold water while doing dishes or other chores, my mind went to a memory of the maids who used to work in the cold mornings in Ranchi, where I grew up. We did not have hot water for them always, and they would sit in the cold at the balcony water tap and rinse the dishes with ice cold tap water. Somehow I felt one with them and could feel their pain. Those days are long gone and I do not know where those people are, all I could do standing there in the kitchen with ice cold water running through my fingers is to send them metta, may they be happy and peaceful wherever they are.

One afternoon, I helped put up a garden shed to store the tools. It was a fun exercise, deciphering the not-so-good instructions in fading light and then drilling and hammering. While setting up the roof, the ridgepole fell on my glasses and my glasses (and not the ridgepole) broke. I burst out laughing, remembering the Buddha's words at awakening:

"Gahakaraka! Dithosi, puna geham na kahasi."

Oh housebuilder! Now you are seen. You shall not build a house again for me.

"Sabba te phasuka bhagga, gahakutam visankhitam."

All your beams are broken, the ridgepole is shattered. 

Of course, I have a very long way to go for enlightenment!!

Life of a monastic is not easy, the women voluntarily undertake 311 precepts of renunciation and constraints. For a lay person this may seem very constricting and austere, especially since there is no acknowledgement of sensual pleasure of any kind. Along with that, the monastics cannot drive, cannot handle money, can own only three robes and alms bowl, and live a life that is 100% dependent on the favors of the lay people. This extreme situation erodes the ego and promotes a feeling of overwhelming gratitude. This, along with the practice of meditation and experiential understanding of the suttas gives the monastics the perfect opportunity to develop wisdom. They investigate and analyze on their self the fundamental truth of suffering and work out the path to the cessation of suffering into the unlimited universe of compassion, loving kindness, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. The contribution of the monastics to the world is to help the lay people ease their own suffering and show them the way to peace and joy. This they do by giving talks, like the famous Ajahn Brahm, writing books, like Thannisaro Bhikku, and also acting as free therapists to millions of pained souls!

Of course, there is the question in may of my friends' minds, as to why am I so interested in this? The simple answer is that the monastic way of life appeals to me very much - the focus on restraint yielding to actual freedom from basic desires and resultant suffering, the constant training of balancing the mind, facing the fears and defilements head-on with clarity and fortitude - all these practices are very attractive to me. I have immense respect for the monks and nuns who have "gone forth". In my own life, I try to mould myself as much as I can towards these goals, and it is not easy when one has numerous duties and responsibilities and has to run a business. With association and inspiration from such monastics, I am now gradually working on steering my life towards purity, they are lighting the path forward and showing me the way.

No dinner in my lay life anymore, only tea, cheese, and chocolate!

On Relationships: Bacon and Eggs

There is so much going on about relationships, husbands complaining about wives, wives complaining about husbands, priests and therapists soothing them, comedians making fun, writers filling pages, philosophers analysing, young ones craving for perfection.

In essence, issues in relationships is about misunderanding in two words - Involvement vs. Commitment. I heard this analogy recently that explains it perfectly. To understand relationships, you need to understand breakfast - bacon and eggs.
In the eggs, the chicken is involved, but in the bacon the pig is committed.

So, in your relationship, any kind, think about it, are you the chicken or the pig? And what about your partner?

Volunteering at Hospice - the journey begins

"For wounded people to be wondered-at is sometimes enough, a grace." Howard Thurman

This week I started a very important phase of my life. At least, at the moment, I think so. Tomorrow I finish three days of intensive training to be a volunteer at Hospice. After this, I will be deployed, when needed, at homes of patients to assist with various non-medical tasks. Tasks may be as simple as reading to the patient, writing letters, talking, holding hands, listening, playing music, singing, making art, or even last vigil (that is waiting in the room for the patient at the very end). I feel I have the fortitude needed for being by the bedside of a patient comforting them through their pain, and to be a friend to the grieving family for the duration of this difficult time.

On this decision, my friends have expressed a variety of emotions. Some are shocked that of all the fun things I can find in this world to do, I am choosing to spend my free time with the dying and the grieving. It is weird, I agree. Some are calling me an angel with a beautiful heart, which is an exaggeration. I actually accept both these reactions on equal footing. While I do not need to give an excuse for this decision of mine, I think can try to explain, may be some of them will understand. There are many reasons for me getting into this, and all of them are very personal, even selfish to some extent.

In 2012, on Valentine's Day, my mother passed away in India, after a very short battle with cancer of the unknown primary, she was only 61. It was a devastating experience for my family. My father is still acutely grieving and we, my sister and I, cannot figure out a way of helping him out of this depression. During my mother's brief sickness, I spent about two months in Kolkata, running pillar to post, managing her treatment. When she was pronounced Stage 4 and Terminal around Christmas/New Years 2011, I started researching palliative care and found next to nothing in Kolkata.  Most doctors in Kolkata were balking at the suggestion of keeping Maa at home, surrounded by family and loved ones, during her last days, as she wanted. The typical practice is to keep the patient in the hospital, probably in the ICU, connected to as many gadgets possible, and forced to stay alive as long as possible, with no respect for her wishes and not granting her access to the love and affection of family during her last moments. Against all odds we managed to keep her home, with some kind doctors helping us in the process. But during that whole painful ordeal, I was wishing that we had hospice care established in India, whence we could focus on our own acceptance of the impending event and grieve peacefully, and leave the medical issues in the hands of established palliative care professionals. After Maa passed away, deep inside me, I felt a need to understand how they run such an organization, and a wish that someday we can have one in India - something my mother could not avail, but may be future generations can?

When a patient is deemed terminal, I feel the doctor's duty should change from "trying to cure" to just "care". In fact, I believe that any doctor's duty is always "to care", for "to cure" is not really in their hands. Whether a patient gets cured by the treatment dispensed often depends on situations and issues way beyond the control of the doctors. The doctors should just focus on caring for the patient, to make sure that the patient (and their family) is comfortable with the diseased situation. But India has a long way to go in this regard, cultural emotions run deep along with financial interests. The general attitude change has to happen, and I doubt that it will happen in my lifetime. But I will try, if I ever get the opportunity to help change the mindset. And unless I volunteer here, in a fully functional hospice system, I will never know where to begin.

There is the other aspect of wanting to serve in hospice, it is a more spiritual reason. I want to be face to face with old age, sickness, and death. I want to see them in front of my eyes and understand in the deepest possible way. The simile I give friends is to "gently press my heart against the arrow". Arrows may come at us anytime, but to train in strength, you have to practice being close to it, so you are not afraid. I also feel that I have a lot of compassion to give, and this may be the best place to do so, may be the need is acute here? At least that is what I feel right now. Will I be successful? I don't know, but we will find out.

My entire life has been through a very grisly grinder, and I have managed to survive. Especially in the last year, I feel I have been able to grow more than my preceding 38 years. I have a long way to go, but I feel I have become increasingly perceptive about my feelings and deep rooted intentions. I have learned to gently allow emotions to surface, and recognize them for what they are and observe them objectively. Am I an expert at this yet? Of course not! But I am way better than I ever was in the past. I credit this to my meditation practice. And through this phase of my life, I have also been able to learn new things about myself and give them permission to express, like my interest drawing/art, and recognizing that I feel the most pleasure in serving. And for the latter, this hospice assignment, I feel, will be a good outlet. I had the desire to serve burn up in me many times in the past, often to the extreme discomfort to my family as they felt that I was being unduly generous and to their disadvantage. So during those years I had curbed this desire and focused it towards family, often without any regard to self care and my personal happiness. I was under the illusion that I was being selfless and sacrificing "for love" and "duty". That was plain wrong and a very stupid choice. I know that now. Well, we all make mistakes, out of ignorance, and it is perfectly all right. It is human to make mistakes like that, to falter, and learn. I think I have clarity of vision with respect to myself now and the confidence to act on my personal aspirations.

Those who have known me for some time will point out my passion for Water for People. For the last 15 years, I have been quite active in that organization. In fact I owe immense gratitude to that organization for inspiring me to become an environmental engineer in the first place. In 1996-97, when I was a young disenchanted undergrad training to be a civil engineer, I met Dr. Amal Datta, who had just received a tiny grant from Water For People to build an arsenic removal system in a remote village of West Bengal. He showed me the design, we built the prototype in the lab, then with the help of the villagers, installed it. Today, almost 20 years later, that first unit is still working and there have been 220 more such units installed, and the program has spread to the neighboring state, becoming the most successful program for the organization. I am very proud of this fact. But more than that what I remember is how pained I used to be after the site visits. I watched poor day-laborers at farms, suffering with Stage 2/3/4 cancer with no treatment, going to the fields and working everyday, till their last breath, to feed their families. I would return from these trips and cry for days, agonizing on what a waste my life has been, that I could not help any of them. Can't I help save one life? What if I leave my studies and work with an NGO to help them? Why not? What else is important in this world? What is the value of life? Is a day-laborer's life less important than that of the Ambanis or Tatas or mine? My teacher often invited me to his home, and both him and his wife spent hours counseling me. They kept telling me that just quitting and working at the villages will not solve the problem, I need to go to the depth of the issue and help solve it. That as I grow up and see more of the world, I will find a way to help out. They believed that I had a bigger purpose than just being a foot soldier in rural West Bengal. So, I came to the US, got my MS in environmental engineering, got married, and fell in the rat race of career building and married life, and of course, the glorious pursuit of the "green card" for my husband. Not that the urge to serve did not raise its head in the ensuing years, I managed to channel it through committee work and fundraising activities for Water For People. I remember, in 2003-2004, when Sudan was facing the political and environmental crisis of the century, I was very close to quitting my good job and joining MSF. I used to spend nights agonizing in my tiny apartment in Mission Viejo, again pondering on the purpose of my life. But my prescribed role as a daughter/ wife/ professional/ provider overruled my emotions, and I stayed put. Finally after all these years, my life seems to have opened up with space and time to allow me adequately express my desire to serve. I am going to start with hospice and see where it takes me. I am not giving up Proteus, or my career, I am just investigating this desire of mine to serve for what it really is and testing it against the hardest rock possible.

Nothing in this world is set in stone, everything is constantly changing. My feelings, my intentions, and the path I am taking will change over time. I have no illusions about this. I am curious about old age, sickness, and death. I am curious about testing my emotional strength against these raw realities of life. I am curious to learn if I can grow any stronger. I am curious to see if I can serve without developing ego. I look at this part of my life as a discovery into self, and if in the process I can manage to help/touch few other lives, so be it. This is a two way process, I stand to gain as much from this experience as the people I may be able to assist.

The Road Not Taken - by Robert Frost
 
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

She never felt entitled to....

She never felt entitled to....

Pick the wild dandelions in the field
To ask someone for a glass of water
Sit on the same bench as others
Not being ridiculed in school

Ask for a second helping
Sleep late on the weekend
Have someone get her breakfast in bed
Being consoled when sad

Have a birthday party with no drama
Sing her lungs out in joy
Have a kind shoulder to cry on
Get a hug when the times were hard

Eat only cake one night
Not be a comma in others' lives
Dance when she was happy
Show her tears when it hurt

Just say no to things she did not like
Sit on a park bench, quiet, with no memories
Feel safe when things went a bit off
Be irresponsible for a day

Someone to give her backrub when she was tired
A doll to love and play with
Not be scared of the blows
Someone rocking her to sleep

Tiptoe over the rocks in the pond
Throw a fit, just because
Have real friends, to laugh and cry with
Someone to pick after her

Watch the fog roll in the hills
A long bath with candles and music
Play freely, like the other kids
Not to plan and just play along

Her mother not wishing she was born dead
Climb trees, and just hang there
Ask for what she wants
Have her chains removed

Learn to draw and paint
Ride a bike into sunset
Experience the magic of beautiful love
Have the freedom to say her mind

Fall asleep without crying into her pillow
Having a decent set of spectacles
Someone to organize her dresser
Being asked how her day went

A good long foot soak
Go somewhere on a whim
Not reason every decision
Have a caring hand on her back

A tiny surprise gift, for no reason
Live a day, a week, without expectations
Buy flowers just for herself
Be kissed passionately

Feel free, unburdened with duty
Listen to the electricity buzz, ears to the pole
Have roots, deep roots
Experience joy, bursting through all her pores

Start a bonfire, and stay till it dies down
Someplace to call home
Not be a father's trophy
Throw a tantrum, for no reason

Ask for candy and ice cream
Jump over the puddles holding hands
Someone to be at home, waiting for her
Go on a long drive with no destination

Receive a thoughtful gift, prepared with love
Being cared for when sick
Spend a night between the cliffs and the ocean
A pat on the back for trying hard

Sometimes act like a child
Watch the galaxies swirl
Not be held responsible for others' happiness
Listen to music all night long

Just be silly one day, kick the stones into the ocean
Feel someone's intense desire
Look in the mirror and smile
Be loved back in return.

On Relationships and Marriage

Today is a big day in US history. The US Supreme Court finally ruled that the Constitution supports same-sex marriage. It took many years to get here and a lot of anguish and tears. It is a sweet victory. I have many gay and lesbian friends and I am very happy for them. Everyone deserves to love and be loved and as we live in a society, this love deserves to be recognized as legitimate, in the eyes of the law and humanity.

As I rejoice with my friends, I also reflect today on relationships and marriage. My relationship and marriage spanning over two decades came to an end last year, and over the last year I have had the opportunity to review this issue from many angles. During the initial days, it was very emotional, but as time went by, I have had some distance from the event to look at it objectively. I am not going to write an essay on what went wrong in my life nor delve in what-if scenarios, for there is no end to that thought process and it does not lead to any satisfactory resolution. I think a better topic would be to write about what I learned from the last 24 years of my life. May be it will be worth something to someone someday.

Road to Happiness

There are two major aspects of a successful relationship - first, careful selection of the mate, and two, development of a partnership.

Selection of a Mate. I now believe that selection of the right person is of utmost importance. Infact I think that it is better to live alone than spend the time with a person who is not appropriate for you. After all, we select a mate with the intent of having a peaceful and lasting relationship, if the selection is not compatible, a lot of energy is spent on trying to 'fix' problems which could otherwise be used on constructive items. No, we should not rush to judge and condemn every new acquaintance as unsuitable right after the first few meetings, instead we should spend time investigating their "true nature". For me, there are two aspects related to attitude and behavior that are very important - whether that person genuinely has compassion, and whether that person is inclined towards improvement.

Culturally and historically, all over the world, to varying degrees, mates are determined based on gender, religion, financial status, race, caste (maybe), political affiliations, family connections, external appearance, education, skill level, etc. I think these criteria are totally irrational. It is not birth or talent, but the wisdom with which one conducts oneself and interest in inner development that is more important. Next, falling in love at first sight sounds and feels very romantic, but I believe that the first impression is usually very deceptive. Some people are very good at polishing their appearance, both physically and emotionally, and are very presentable as professional or cultured people, hence very attractive. Most don't do this intentionally to deceive people, it is their nature, their flair, their personality. Mateship decisions should not be taken based on these short encounters (dates) where both parties are flaunting their feathers. On the other side, we should not misjudge people with pleasant demeanor, most of the time it is their true nature. One must give time for the person to unfold. As time goes by, one should observe and evaluate not only the words but also actions to understand the true nature of the prospective mate. This evaluation should be rational, based on objective observation of behavior under various situations. It is important to find people with developed personalities, people who are free from most fears and insecurities, and not dependent on others for affirmation. One is looking for an equal, not a support stick, nor wanting to be one. So, there has to be a period of constant association, observation, and evaluation until a determination has been made.

Compatibility is the ultimate criterion, and it has to do with syncing of behaviors and attitudes. My lesson learned in life when it comes to compatibility is four fold: we should be similar in altruism; we should have similar level of wisdom about life; we should both have self-discipline; and, we should both have similar interest in spiritual development.

Altruism is important to me. I put a tremendous importance in returning to the world what I have received and with gratitude. So I expect my partner to share the same enthusiasm. I do not mean that we give everything away and become broke and live hand-to-mouth, I mean we share the vision of living equitably. The best simile would be as living like a bee, we gather honey, but we do not hurt the flowers, and when possible we help the plants by pollinating them.

Wisdom to me is not linked to degrees earned or education level or smarts. One can have all the knowledge in the world, but wisdom comes only when one can apply the knowledge with a sensitive understanding of the world, with compassion. For wisdom to develop, along with knowledge, skills, and intellect, one needs to have emotional maturity and rational reasoning aptitude. I feel if my partner and I are not in sync in this aspect, there will be only conflicts in the future.

Self-discipline is high on my agenda. You can say that my difficult childhood may be responsible for my need for discipline, but whatever the cause is, it is important to me. I would like to have a partner who is as interested in discipline as I am. This is like a moral code for me and the skill of discipline is one that I admire a lot. Healthy restraint from cravings, not blindly reacting to unpleasant situations, would be examples of self-discipline. That does not mean we spend our days in analysis paralysis on each decision, I'm looking for that ability to not needing to surf every wave that comes our way.

Spiritual pursuit. And last but not the least, I am at a point in my life that my partner needs to be as interested in spiritual development as I am. No, not religion for I do not care which religion one follows or not, but spiritual progress. By spiritual progress I mean the gradual development of a deep understanding of how the world works and an active interest to learn more to make it even better. It's development of happiness deep within and spreading it around with compassion. It is of utmost importance that we can support each other in our individual spiritual journeys.

Development of partnership. Today we are rejoicing the approval of marriage rights for everyone across our country. Finding a compatible partner is only the first step, marriage, on the other hand, is a partnership. It is true partnership which is based on trust, pleasant communication, self-discipline (yes, I bring it up again!), and right conduct. When the initial euphoria of courtship is over, and one is fortunate enough to find one's compatible mate, there is an equilibrium to be reached that yields mutual satisfaction, peace, happiness, and may be even bliss. But this equilibrium needs hard work, and rules, and are guided by principles of mutual obligation and duties. It does not matter who makes how much money to run the household, or who does what work about the home, the division of labor needs to be in accordance to skills and inclination, and it has to be equitable. Setting parameters of obligations and duties are important, and adherence to them by each individual is also equally important; otherwise conflicts related to rights within a relationship arise and the partnership disintegrates. For me, duty means a selfless commitment to a position in the relationship. I tend to slide into it naturally, but I do see that some people need to mindfully work at it everyday, and they put in the necessary effort. There is no gratitude in duty, though it is very much misinterpreted as such in our culture. Duty is what you do because who you are and what your position entails. For example, I will be there as a guide to my partner on his travails through life, I will look after his well being, care for him when he is sick, nourish him when he needs it. Obligation, on the other hand, has gratitude in it. I will be obliged and be kind and loving to my partner when he performs his duties towards me and our relationship. Kindness, here, is an obligation. But obligation is triggered only when the partner performs the duties. Balance is key. And most partnerships face tribulations because either partner does not perform duties effectively and does not feel obligated to the other. Both are equally important.

Over the last year, while I have been analyzing my 24-year partnership with my ex from various angles, I have also been very fortunate to observe few happy couples with longer stable relationships, and have been discussing the cause-effect scenarios with mentors and therapists. The way I see it, a fruitful partnership can be based on the following principles:

Mutual Respect. We are in this together, as equals. Does not matter who earns how much and who contributes in labor, there has to be genuine respect for each other as individuals. It is not just saying it in words for words are often hollow, the expression of respect comes from deep within, and demonstrated in deeds. I believe that respect comes from a place of love and compassion, and if these are not strong, respect cannot blossom. I know of a loving husband who spent a whole day cleaning up his home before his wife returned home from a long vacation. He said that it is not that he wants to show her a clean house to prove that he has been living a neat life in her absence, it was that he did not want her to start working on the home as soon as she arrived, he wanted her to feel welcomed and at peace the moment she steps in. This may be common for a newly married couple, but when you hear this from a couple married for 35+ years, not including a preceding courtship of seven years, you know that this relationship is a strong one. His thoughts (and actions) came from a place steeped with love and affection, the driver being that his wife not have any inconvenience. This sentiment really touched me.

Kind Words. It is actually very easy to be kind. If you don't have something really honest and nice to say to your partner, please make your peace with it and stay quiet for whatever momentary irritation you have will soon pass. Most often I have seen couples alternately shower each other with gifts and affection and then neglect and harsh words. This yo-yo behavior serves no purpose and only creates confusion. Partners get into this unending cycle of he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not and the few beautiful times spent together gets overshadowed with doubt. Unpleasant words also tend to devalue one partner in the eyes of the other, and over time only increases the distance between people, it never brings them closer.

Faithfulness. I have a very hard time understanding unfaithfulness. To me it signifies that the partnership was not compatible to begin with. I do see that impulsive sexual desire can be a very prominent and is often the most dominant of human desires, but this is the place where one has to mindfully practice self-discipline. Marriage partnership comes with responsibility to be faithful, there is no place for compromise there. I have a very strong opinion about this and detest casual liaisons and even talk about such fantasies. Intentions form first, then comes words, and then action. By the time there is action, there is a lot of hurt and the crack in the relationship is irreparable. Even words are dangerous, even in jest. What purpose do they serve, really? If you have not selected the right partner, this is the time to leave them so that you both can find peace.

Power Play. For an equanimous relationship, there cannot be any power play in a partnership. Marriage is of equals, there is no place for ego development. Marriage is one place where the partners should feel totally comfortable to put their guard down and not worry about being judged. It is a safe zone, of confidence development and security. The key word is co-existence, not domination. Talking of rights and ownership priorities in a relationship again indicates that the mate selection was not compatible. The whole goal of the relationship is to strive for harmony.

Organization. This is an operational issue, and very important one. A partnership needs to be organized. Daily chores to weekly, monthly, and annual activities need to be organized and attributed to each partner based on their skills and inclination. And these need to be dutifully executed with promptness and quality. Interference in each other's scope of work should be minimized until assistance has been requested or some unforeseen event is hampering performance. It is not about what you do, it is about how you do it. Efficient execution of tasks by one partner only increases the value of the partner to the other. Don't we all want to finish everything we have going and cuddle on the sofa to watch a movie?

Family. This is often a matter of conflict in relationships, it definitely was very prominent in mine. Maintaining cordial relationships with each partner's family is a mutual task. Men are usually introverted, and women have a natural inclination for relationship management. Exceptions prove the rule. The key is to be vigilant of the sensitivities in each family and jointly work on balancing the familial needs, while not adversely impacting the partnership. Most couples do a mediocre job here. It takes a lot of tenacity, emotional maturity, and patience to get this balance to work. It is also to be remembered that partnership interests takes precedence over familial issues. This is where empathy and emotional maturity plays a very important role.

Money. One person earning and the other incessantly spending, or destructive habits like alcoholism, gambling, etc., can put a serious strain on a partnership. While some couples like to keep completely separate finances, I have had joint finances for my entire relationship. I am still on the fence on which method is right for I have had issues with irresponsible spending of joint funds. But then, the whole premise of partnership is to join forces and work towards a common goal, so separate finances do not make sense. Maybe I will come to a conclusion over time. One thing, however, I am very clear on is that whatever we earn, we need to divide in four parts; two parts we should be saved/invested for future security; one part should go into charitable donations and taxes (which is national welfare); and we should lead a humble lifestyle in the other one fourth part that is left. I have very simple needs and I expect my partner to also not require an ostentatious lifestyle.

Be Engaged. I believe that each partner should be equally energetic about the development of the relationship and maintenance of the partnership. The goal is a happy and peaceful conjugal life. So, the effort should be equal and with vigor towards that goal. Problems will always arise, it is the nature of the world. The point is to be absolutely clear that the end game is happiness and so all the energy should be towards finding equitable solution. Again, there is no place for ego, only focused on the resolution of conflicts to reach happiness.

Companion and Guide. In our modern culture, it is imperative that we treat each other as a companion and guide. Each partner should be mindful at all times about their behavior and attitude, whether the solutions offered have a win-win effect. Life is so difficult alone. When you have a companion and guide who you can trust and depend on, most of the hurdles can be crossed easily. As a companion and guide, you do not inflate or deflate issues, you present them as is with rational analysis to your partner. And the partner receives the information with gratitude.

Revel in the Beauty. Last but not the least, there is an essential place in a fruitful relationship where partners acknowledge, appreciate, and even revel in the other person's beauty - not only physical, but in the deep inner person that he/she is. And together, they admire the beautiful world we live in where after each night there is always a sunrise, where rocks are eroded everyday by soft water, where young green tendrils of life breaks through concrete, where there is beauty in how she smiles in spite of the wrinkles, where there is a skip in heartbeat when his eyes sparkle... where there is romance.

This note is a shout out to a good friend who prompted me to write this blog. He's an improviser, one of the best I have seen thus far, so he knows - in improv we totally and completely give ourselves to the partner, and as the partnership evolves, so does the material. There is no script, we are on our toes all the time and embracing every situation and challenge our partner presents us with. It's a play between equals, always. And if the right partner is on stage with you, there is duende!

On wisdom and struggle

"Times of great wisdom, deep compassion, and a real knowing of freedom alternate with periods of fear, confusion, neurosis, and struggle".

I don't about you, but for me the statement above is very true. I seem to have to go through that deep dark grinder of a place to evolve into light, and it has happened countless times in my life. I cannot preprogram the grind, it just comes my way, sometimes I sense it coming, sometimes it arrives unexpected. And when I am in that tornado, I just sit there, taking the battering and focusing all my energies on just surviving. Over the years, I have learned not to fight it, for it never works and leaves me more bruised if I do. I just wait for the storm to pass over, holding on to the least bit of patience and tolerance I have.

Some say that I am courageous. May be I am, especially when so many people say so, it must be true. But, I don't feel that way, ever. I feel that I am just a survivor. I have seen my share of pain, some of my close friends know it very well and have seen me go through those days. When I was a kid and the blows would come, I did not know what to do. I felt groundless, unprotected, and very scared. I used to stiffen up, tense up, make myself hard, hoping that the stiffness would be a shield and protect my soft inner core. It took me years to figure out that it was not the best idea. For the bruises are really bad when you stiffen up.

When I was nine years or so, we used to live in Hyderabad, and our neighbor used to subscribe to The Hindu, an English daily. Over the weekend, I used to borrow a week's worth of papers and read through them, it was my Sunday afternoon ritual. Several articles caught my fancy and one of them was seared into my memory. It was an article on self-hypnosis, or something like that. I remember the page so vividly, the green and orange outline, the picture of a man sleeping on the sofa. The article described how one can perform self hypnosis to be able to fall asleep, or just become calm. My little nine year old brain then wondered whether I can apply the technique to other aspects of my life, especially when I was afraid or anxious. I started to practice it in bed, at the dead of night, in my room, with the door closed. I was always scared that I may be doing something forbidden and if caught, I'll face severe consequences. And I am sure, I did not know the method at all, after all how much truth is ever in newspaper articles and how much can a nine year old comprehend? Anyway, I got better at just releasing the tension from my body, my own method, where I start from the feet and let go. Soon I didn't feel it. Then, I let go of the calf and the front of the leg, it vanished. Then, the knee, it vanished. And I kept moving on upward, till my whole body vanished. I did not feel anything.

After some practice, I tried this in school once, during a very boring class. Much to my surprise, it worked! Then, I started trying it when the blows came. I just let go, became soft and melted. It was not perfect at first, but as I got better, I realized that the blows did not hurt that much, the physical bruises were less pronounced. Not that the tornado did not come, not that the gale force winds did not throw me to the floor, they did. But I was soft, so when I hit the ground, it did not hurt as much. I don't know, I believe that this technique worked for me, or may be it's just a fancy I weaved in my mind.

The physical aspect of life's blows mellowed as I grew up, but the tornadoes are still there, they have morphed into emotional and situational issues related to family, profession, and relationships. Somehow, as my friends point out, I seem to have an affinity for tornadoes, or they like me, for they seem to come into my life with higher frequency and amplitude than is commonplace. So I have been told. Well, whatever it is, this Melt-method of mine worked sometimes. Lately, I have replaced it with meditation, on- and off-the-cushion Vipassana, which seems to be a much better and potent technique than my invention. Meditation gives me the ability to weather the storms, both the highs and the lows. The simile I'd give is that every time I meditate, a pool inside me gets a bit deeper. So when it is very cold outside and the surface freezes, my core does not, I survive. Also, when it is hot outside and the top layer heats up, my core stays cool.

Yes, I have my share of fear, confusion, neurosis, and struggle. Some of them are very big ones that leave me totally exhausted and drained for months on end. Then, I just get up, and when I look out, after the storm has blown over, it feels new again. I start over. I notice the little seedlings pop up, I nurture them. I endeavor to clear the wreckage away and start building the shelter again. And I see a beauty in it. Really, I do. Every time I start new, there is a deeper understanding of the laws of nature. Over the years, through each episode I have been through, I have realized that whatever we create is cyclic, there is a rise and fall. There is nothing that can hold anything constant and unchanging forever, even if we wish it to be so. I do not wish it anymore. I have realized that it is better to accept the transiency than resist it, akin to me becoming supple rather than stiff. But the building should not stop, the effort and the toil should keep going. Futility and pessimism should not set in, for that has no use. The other piece of understanding that is slowly seeping into me is the ability to perform without attachment. It seems like taking ownership for anything is futile, for it will eventually change and we can really not own anything, be it material or emotional, even ideas. I don't know, some say that this is wisdom. May be it is. I can only say that life is becoming soft everyday, the firmness I once knew is gradually disappearing. I am more open and willing everyday, to see perspectives, to understand the fallacies, to appreciate points of view, at the gross level but especially where it is coming from, that place of softness, often insecurity and ignorance.

"You live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality, but you do not know this. When you understand this, you will see that you are nothing. And being nothing, you are everything. That is all". ~ Kalu Rinpoche

I love walking on the beach, and in San Diego, it has been my Sunday morning ritual for years. I walk on Torrey Pines State Beach at daybreak. When I look at the waves crashing onto the shore, I see the changing nature of life. Some days it is low tide when I walk the beach, some days it is high tide. The cliffs and the ocean are always different, though I walk the same beach each week. The light is different, the wind is different, the marks on the sand are different, the seaweed piles are different, the flocks of birds are different. So as I walk the beach, I contemplate impermanence of life and nature.

Along with the understanding of impermanence, the other realization that is seeping in is that of nothingness. It may seem weird, and I cannot explain it very well. The sand on the shore appears solid, it holds my weight and of the thousands of people who walk on it everyday. But it is just made of grains, and these grains have spaces between them. It appears solid from where I stand, but it really isn't. These grains of silica, on a molecular level is also very empty. The molecules really don't touch each other physically, they are held by forces, but these molecules are mostly empty. On the atomic level, it is the same story, just a few electrons and neutrons/protons, everything else is just space, empty. These atomic particles are also sometimes solid, sometimes just mass of energy, with no solidity. It is amazing to contemplate this, that there is ultimately just space, just nothing. And here we are, holding everything as if it is solid, holding on to every little penny, every little emotion, every little idea, every pleasant/unpleasant sensation, thinking that this illusion is something tangible and solid that will last forever.

All these musings are great, they allow me to feel calm and quiet among all the storms in life, the happy and sad ones. I am by no means enlightened, I have not "figured it out" yet. I suffer with the same issues that I always did but the intensity of suffering has significantly reduced over the years. More often these days I am at awe of how things happen in the world, I feel that everything is just so very beautiful and perfect in its own chaotic way. Just last week I had a major operation, and I have an 8-inch (20 cm) incision in my tummy, yet as pain comes, I somehow revel in investigating it. There is pain, and then there are all these emotions around pain - of fear, of the need for justification, of the expectation for a cure. For me, pain is a beautiful object to observe and investigate. Where does it arise, how long does it stay, where does it move, does it throb or is it dull, when does it increase, when does it go away,... I can write long essays about it since I have been studying it for the last eight days, very intently, but you would not like to read that. So, it's better to hear Rumi speaking my thoughts more eloquently than I ever can:

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture.

Still treat each guest honorably,

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

On veiled discrimination and racism

A young professional recently asked me - What were the barriers and challenges you faced in your career, especially with respect to people? Discrimination? Racism? How did you deal with them?
It is a very good question, and required me to think a bit, for I had never given it much thought before. I am not going to write a long book about it because I don't want to give it any more importance than it deserves. The short answer is - Yes, people I have interacted with during my career have probably discriminated against me, and there were marked signs of racism at times. However, when I believed that I was good for what I was doing, none of those issues were barriers to my performance.

Now, a somewhat long answer.
Have I faced racism? I think I have. Mostly veiled in, what I would say, ignorance. Just yesterday, I was at a CEO group meeting, and the speaker, whom I know from many such meetings before, brought up my cultural background yet again, and this was the fifth time (Yes, I have been counting, just for fun!). He usually talks to me with this idea in mind that I come from a foreign land and I may not understand whatever he is talking about. Given that he has been associated with universities all his life, mostly teaching, he has had access to many foreign students, and had the opportunity to observe them closely. I think he tends to use a very broad brush and paint every foreigner with a stereotype he has created in his head. He cannot see that I am more of global citizen than Indian or American, having lived and worked in four of the six continents, and also been immersed in America for the last fifteen years, and an American citizen too. And this is not new, ten years back when I was working in North Carolina, one of the senior managers of my company had the same idea of me. I was a bit strict with an administrative professional because she was just not meeting the expectations of the department, and was wasting her time filing nails and chit-chatting during office hours. His view was that since there was caste system in India, and that this administrative professional was African American, I probably could not help but be biased against her due to my cultural background. He could not see the truth for what it was, an under-performing employee. Then there were those numerous times after 9/11 when on construction site visits, people always wanted to find out what nationality I was. And of course, there are those people who cannot pronounce my two-syllable-only first name because a fog descends on their brain as soon as their eyes see a different color or hear a different sound over the telephone. Yes, there have been many instances from my life where I have been looked at differently, the most hilarious story was when browsing through the clothing racks at a large retail store in a small town in Western New York, a little girl of four years or so asked me, "Are you human?"

As for discrimination for being female, I believe that has been also very obvious in my life and career. One of the top executives at a very large engineering firm I used to work at had a blatant bias for white males, who he thought, should be apt to lead the company. So, he was always a bit distant or skeptical about my performance. And yes, I know for a fact that I have always been paid less than my male peers, and many times had to work much harder to be given the same role, responsibility, and recognition. I have been passed over many times on promotions and raises too. One manager, on a long three hour drive to a client meeting, spent over two hours explaining to me that a role of a woman is not to be this ambitious, that it affects harmony at home, that I should seriously consider having kids and live a comfortable life with work/career taking the second stage in my life. He was very earnest in his argument and believed it in his core that men and women cannot be equals and that today's society is really trying to go against nature. (He also did not believe in evolution.) You can imagine how awkward the return journey was with him! But, I could not fault him, for there has been people in my extended family who thought the same thing.

So what do we do about it? Do we stand up and shout and cry and make a big fuss? May be, sometimes, when the opportunity and the issue is grave enough and affecting your sanity or well-being. But most of the time, it has been my experience that it all works out and that it is not worth wasting  my precious energy on such issues. I was not this way when I was young, I suppose age has made me more tolerant and wiser.

My understanding now, after all these years of struggle, is that the true barrier to achievement lies not anywhere external, it is 100% internal. If I believe, in my deepest core, than I am capable and clear about the path, there is no barrier that can hinder my journey. The force of my conviction will be strong enough to either break the barriers down or help me find a way around them. Most of us spend 100% of our energy on trying to change or fix the outside world and make it bend to the way we want it to be. In business, we want our clients to see our worth, we want our employees to see our vision. At home, we want our family to be in sync with our ideas and wishes. We spend very little time really recognizing what elements we are made of and what makes us alive. If we are aligned to our core, we can be the Pied Piper of Hamelin and lead anyone to our tune. That guy had malicious intent, I am sure we won't. There are only two things that are needed for happiness and contentment in life. One, being in tune with self, accepting all the strengths and weaknesses you have, don't waste time to change them, just know them and accept them unconditionally. (This, I am working on, and it's really hard!!) And two, have pure intent, no matter how hard it is, just keep focusing on the greater good, towards a win-win solution, be it business or home front.

I suppose I owe you a story of when things did go well, to prove the point! When I went to Australia to work on a very fast paced high visibility project, I realized within just a few days that I was in for a do-or-die situation. For one, I was given responsibility that was three levels above my pay-grade and I was told outright by the management that I just had to deal with it. Then, I realized that I had the privilege to be the sole go-to person representing 150+ professionals who had done shabby design and issued them for construction. And all that had to be fixed and turned around immediately to meet the punishing project schedule. Everyday at morning construction meetings, I used to have big burly men throwing rolls of drawings at me, yelling at my face, intimidating me, and sometimes making fun at my company having sent this small brown girl to handle this muiti-billion dollar construction project. I was very distraught in the beginning, but then I just let go all the insults and issues by the wayside. There was a job to be done and I was going to get it done. The next nine months were the most excruciating months of my professional life, I worked 90 hour weeks, non-stop. I used to attend two such painful meetings every morning, get all the issues identified, then sit at my desk and send detailed design packages to five teams in four different countries, who then worked around the clock to deliver to me completed drawings which I reviewed for accuracy and then issued for construction the next day. There was no time to waste on emotions or counting prejudices or protesting. It took about four months to get the train on track, and over time all those people who used to throw things at me and yell at me, started becoming my friends and would stand up in respect when I walked into  meeting rooms. At the end of the job, the upper management received milti-million bonus packages, while I got mere $3,200 ($1,500 after taxes!) for all the hard work. I just chalk it off as Life!! I learned on that job in one year what I could not have learned in seven years of regular office desk-job back here in the US. Could I have done better without those challenges and a reasonable pay, sure!! But I do not delve on that, it's useless to believe that outside circumstances have anything to do with your potential. If you have it in you, you will find a way to work out the existing situations or around it.

Microfiltration and Reverse Osmosis units at Bundamba AWTP, QLD, Australia

Throughout my career, I had the extreme good fortune to work with few people who had hearts of gold. In particular, there were three individuals who were my managers and did not see color or sex, but saw in me only the raw potential. They challenged me, and mentored me, and helped me grow. I first learned by emulating them, and then I developed my own style, which they encouraged all the way. My recommendation would be to find those people in your life and work; trust me, they exist. And when you find them, hold them tight. You have to be open and willing to see them. Often we get burned by so much negativity around us that our vision is foggy and suspicious. The only thing you have to be on guard for is your own perceptions and doubts. Know yourself and do not allow any deformed intent or uncertainty creep in. If you are strict on self understanding and preservation, there is nothing that can stop you and your potential will shine through to take you to heights that you never imagined. You will also find people show up in your life who will aid you in that process and they will want nothing in return. You don't need to convince anyone but yourself that your path is open in front of you and you have the potential to soldier on. No amount of discrimination or racism can hold you back.