The pain does not go away

Mum n Me (1976)

My mum passed away on February 15th, 2012. It has been more than a year. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her last days. I reached Kolkata, after a long 36-hr journey on 10th February only to find her non-responsive. She was breathing, on IV, but did not respond to touch. Her body cavities were filling up with water. She was at home, on her own bed, just as she had wanted, and not stuck in a cold hospital room among electronic monitors. She was surrounded by her brother and sisters, their kids - all her loved ones. The next five days were so painful to watch her fade away, ever so slowly and painfully. She had trouble breathing and we could not help her. We would pump out liquid from her mouth, give her oxygen, and had to sit by her side and watch her suffer. I hardly slept those days and was by her side all day and night, hearing her heave, trying very hard to breathe. I still shudder when I think of that noise of labored breathing. It was the worst five days of my life and brings me to tears so often.

Maa is gone, but I can't seem to forget that pain and sense of helplessness watching her die. It is so hard, I can't even explain it to anyone. No matter how often I talk about her passing and sometimes in great details, it does not help ease the pain. I feel the pain coursing through my veins, and it envelopes me like a flash flood, shaking me through the core. Memories of those five days hit me at most inopportune times - a light breeze may remind me of her last breath. I had felt it sweep over me. I had felt the earth move from under me. All her family and friends were around her at that time, but I felt so lonely and empty inside. I did not cry then, not a single tear, and now a light breeze brings a deluge of tears that I can't control. I can't seem to make peace with it. I still feel so very lonely in my grief, can't share it with anyone. Most people have not been through this, they cannot understand or comprehend the all consuming vacuum.

Today Nelson Mandela is going through his last days. He has been my hero, my inspiration since I was a little kid. I can sort of understand what his daughter is feeling, when she touches her father's hand, and I feel her helplessness. Yes, he is 94, he has lived a vigorous life, been a guiding light to the world. It is his time to say good bye to the world. But in a daughter's heart, it is very hard to see your parent go through this last struggle of life. You wish it to be smooth, but it is not in your control. You have to watch them suffer, and you can't share the pain. It is excruciating. My mum was 61 when she passed away, she had lived a hard life, nothing compared to Madiba, but in her own little world she too had to overcome momentous challenges.

Today as I cry for my mum, I also cry for Madiba because I love and admire him. But more so, I cry for his daughter who is probably going through the same experience I had last year. The pain does not go away, you can do nothing but learn to live with it. And it is very hard, much harder than anything you have ever done in your life!

From the people before me, To the people after me

An artist friend asked me today - Do you always have an example for every thing you say or think? Then where is your creativity? - I really liked that question. My friend and I talked for a bit and then I thought I should write a post on it.

I am an engineer, or you can also call me a scientist. When we are young, we are trained in thinking a certain logical way. The hallmark of our training is development of new ideas and 'creation' based on work previously done by others. Every thesis we write, every calculation we do, we cite references of others who have done work in this field before us. We stand on the shoulders of giants who have lived before us. No article we publish starts with the sentence - This is totally brand new. Instead, the entire ethos of the scientific community is to honestly refer to publications in the past.

Come to think of this, art is no different. The artist first learns to copy from works of people before him/her, even if it is a photograph or an object. Then, over time he/she develops his/her own style to deliver. It is a long process of learning and then creating. The integrity of a new creation has foundations in the vigorous search, authentic appreciation, and absorption of means and methods of greats before us.

In a person's lifetime, I believe, we spend most of our time in three parts - appreciation, intention, and activity. Appreciation applies to everything that has happened in the past and is happening in the present, appreciation of the happy and sad things in life, the beauty of a flower blooming, and imbibing the knowledge. We are also focused on intention, which is directed to the future where our hopes and aspirations lie. That's the 'dreaming'. And then, there is activity, without which we cannot exist. Activity is essential. The trick lies in keeping all three in harmony. It is like trying to stand on a beach ball. Just when you think you got the balance right, you fall off it. But there are moments that you do get that balance right and you understand deep down what it means to be 'in sync'. That is a feeling of nirvana! The 'Aha' moment!

Maybe the better example is trying to ride a bicycle - you eventually figure it out. It happens when you are relaxed, when you have struck a balance in dogged determination (that intense will or desire) and relinquishing a bit on effort (letting go). It is about training the mind and body to act as one, in resonance. When one stands back, watches, becomes quiet, and lets go; it happens. Creation happens! Magic happens!

The fun thing is that when you create something new, you actually lay the path for the next generation to build on it. It is like you put your own little brick in the creation of the the universe. That brick is yours and yours alone, but it is a part of the whole. Today we have space exploration projects because in the past the pyramids were built, because Galileo had seen Saturn's moons, because Newton had figured out the three laws. No one can take your brick away from you, it's your organic contribution to eternity that future generations will take and nurture to greater heights that you cannot even fathom today. And that is OK. That is life!