I feel guilty all the time....

Professional women suffer this the most. May be it's a gender issue. I have not seen men go through this emotion as much as women. Wonder why that is?

Most common issues among my female colleagues are -

• Mothers feel guilty leaving their kid at the day care.
  
• Professionals feel that they do not have time for their family.
  
• Others feel the same since they have to leave work early, they are compromising their career.
  
• No cooked meal on the table every night.
  
• The bills are sometimes late.
  
• The laundry is not folded properly.
  
• The dishwasher is not cleared out.
  

The list goes on and on... There is no end.

No, it's not work-life balance issue that is not solvable. It is in fact a bad case of GUILT. Guilt is an all prevailing undercurrent of their lives, or at least in the first 10-15 years of professional life with a growing family. But why does it need to be this way? Why do they spend so much time consumed by this and feel miserable? Is it necessary?

I think guilt is the number one effectiveness-killing emotions, and is absolutely useless since it wastes energy and time. Can regret and remorse really change anything? If you are busy feeling guilty, when do you have the time to really get something done!

To tell the truth, we are conditioned to feel guilty since we are kids. And it's a very hard habit to break. Parents, teachers, neighbors, family, religion, all use guilt to regulate our behavior. We are taught from the childhood that there are strict right and wrong behavioral rules and we are expected to feel good and bad respectively. This conditioning is carried over to adulthood and reinforced by society at every step on the way.

But, guilt is the perfect excuse for not changing oneself. If people do something that is not helping, they tend to 'pay their dues' by feeling bad about it, and then go on living. They take no risks and make no effort to improve. The easy way out is feeling guilty.

Guilt also allows them to hold others responsible for their actions. They exonerate themselves from the wrongdoing. They look for winning approval and pity of others - after all they are feeling guilty, hence they are absolved, and others should be sorry for them. They prove to the world that they are a wonderful, conscientious and caring person. If only there were not these extenuating circumstances forced on them by the evil world, they would have come through. They prefer to be pitied, but refuse to take responsibility for their choice!

This malady often manifests itself often as a bad case of "should - have". 'I should have asked for an approval.' "I should have added this to my to-do list.' 'I should have started this project earlier.' Wake up! Past is history. What will you do differently, now, and in the future?

Feeling guilty over what does not get done is your ticket to misery, lifelong misery. Why do you expect that everything will be done? You may have a long to-do list of things to do in a day, why do you expect that 100% needs to be complete by the end of the day? Just make time for the important things, the rest will resolve itself.

This is no secret, of the the 100 things on your list of things to do, only 20% are actually important. You need to attend to only those. Others will solve over time. The key is to identify which of those 100 items is important. Note, I did not say urgent, I said important. There is a big difference. 99% of what you think is actually urgent, is not! Clear up your mind and thinking, try to identify the difference between urgent and important. Focus on the important first.

Here is some advice from Jack Collis:

• Recognize the past for what it is. Write 10 things down that you wish you hadn't done. Then write 10 things you wish you had done. Give yourself five points for each item that feeling bad about would really help. What's your score? It's zero, isn't it?

• Practice feeling guilty. Set aside 15-20 minutes a day and think of a past event to feel bad about. Feel guilty. Beat yourself up for it. Pity, anger, worry, bring them all on. Then step back and see what an enormous drain of energy it takes to feel guilty. Why do it?

• List all the things you are avoiding by feeling guilty. What are you planning to do about them? In reality, you can avoid doing almost anything by feeling guilty, being lazy, lacking direction. Why don't you spend your time resolving to actually do something about the situation rather than sitting out there and feel guilty about it?

• Accept responsibility for the choices you make. They are yours, be it mistakes or misfortunes, own them. You have the right to be wrong sometimes, it's OK. As long as you do something about it, resolve to never repeat it, it's all right.

• Dissociate yourself from guilt wielders. The world is full of such people who cast off their bad feelings on to others. Ignore them, and better yet, throw them out of your life. They are not your friends, they are your worst enemies. Stick with people who help you construct a good life, not with people who fill you will useless emotions.

The worst case of guilt is demonstrated by young mothers going to work leaving the kid behind at day care feeling miserable all day and wondering if their career is worth it. You bet it is well worth it! Please do not feel guilty - it does not do anything for you or your kid. Instead accept that you are human and life does not flow smoothly, and think long term. Things are going to be lopsided and messy and often - but over time, it's all going to ease out. Your son/daughter will not curse you for leaving him/her behind when he/she grows up. Instead he/she will admire you as a superwoman who went for a career while loving him/her as much as you could. Just do it, don't waste time and energy feeling guilty.
I suggest you read Chapter 15 from "Ambition is not a Dirty Word". She has very good practical tips on dealing with this issue.

Personally for me, it has been a very difficult journey weeding guilt out of my life. I don't think I am at the end of the road yet - it's not easy to reverse 30+ years of parental and social conditioning! But I am on my way, I hope you will join me as well, for your own sake.

Why does (s)he keep bothering me?!

This has happened to all of us. I am sure each of us has faced at least one person in our professional life who we felt is out there to get us. It has been irritating, sometimes even unbearable to deal with. We have asked ourselves often - Why me? What did I do? Why can't this person see my side of things? How can he/she be so stupid? Why is he/she after me?

There is no silver bullet to solve this situation. But there are some things you can definitely do to get your peace of mind back. The five steps below has been based on my experience, it has been a slow learning process. But it has worked for me over the years, may be it will help you. I warn you, it is not easy and takes a lot of effort.

1) Practice tolerance. Seems like a saintly advice, but you have to do it. Practice tolerance and not only will the world become an easier place to live, you will find it a bit more peaceful too. Next time when a big fat SUV cuts in front of you on the freeway, albeit very dangerously, resist the urge to give him/her your choice words and gestures. Let it go. Thank your stars that you are an alert driver and you lived. Let go. Tell yourself, twenty times if need be, that this problem is not yours, it's the other driver's. It's that person who does not have control on his/her life, but you do. Choose to not make adrenalin rush through your veins. Yes, it's your choice.

2) Pick your battles. Not all battles are worth fighting, even if you know very well that you are on the right side and the co-worker is totally wrong. Only those that you know deep in your heart that you are 100% right and will provide you a long term benefit is worth taking the arms for. Fighting small battles every day makes your blood pressure high, keeps you stressed, and in general does not serve any purpose. I have been through this phase and I know. The stress is not worth it. Pick the battle that affects your career, and let go of the others.

3) Look at the long term goal. Keep your eye on the 5-10 year plan you have for yourself. Whenever a situation comes along that gets you all riled up, ask yourself if it's worth the emotional investment in the long run. Did a 6/10 in math in 4th grade really affect your graduation from high school? But you were all stressed out at 4th grade as if it was a life and death situation! (You probably felt so because of the looming image of a good smack from dad when you went home and told him the bad grade! Heh! Heh!)

A friend of mine was recently all worked up because she had to repeat a month of residency, forced on her by an inconsiderate attending physician. Yes, it did cause her some near term inconvenience, e.g. had to change schedules, make alternate plans, postpone a vacation, etc.; but in the long term it will not have any impact on her career. She will, and I know for sure, be a great doctor, and five years from now, this extra month will have vanished from her memory and from everyone she will be dealing with. So, whenever you are faced with a 'sky is falling on me' situation, just step back and think what effect it may have 10 years from now. If it seems that there will be none, just let the tide go over you, bob up and down with it, focus on staying afloat, do not fight it, preserve your energies for bigger and better things.

4) Focus inwards. The only person you have control on is yourself. No matter how much you will it, you do not have the power to change the co-worker or even make that person understand your point of view. Yes, it's good to try and I highly recommend it, but don't waste too much of your energy on it.

What do you do when you have a situation where the co-worker is out to get you, he/she is saying things behind your back, or making really stupid decisions, making you stand out with the wrong implications, etc.? I bet this has happened to almost all of us, at least once in our lifetime. Assuming that you went through the three steps above and it still bothers you, here is what you do - think of how you can change to diffuse the situation.

A very wise lady, now my mentor, advised me - take that person out to lunch. Yes, it's that simple. Ask him/ her to go out for lunch, alone with you. Go somewhere far where there are no other co-workers to bother and buy him/her the lunch. Sit down and chat about everything but work. Find out the personal side of that person - what makes him/her tick? What is the family situation, does he/she like baseball or hockey, ask for a restaurant recommendation....

Often the very fact that you have shown him/her the attention will diffuse the tension that was building up between the two of you. I agree, it's very hard to do this. You hate that person's guts after all the injustice he/she has been doing to you. But you know what, every human being is the center of his/her universe. This 'prick' was probably behaving badly with you because of his/her own insecurities, and more often than not, craving for your attention and recognition. So, give it. Don't fake it, genuinely give it. People develop very good fake detectors by the time they turn six, so do not fake it. It will be very obvious even if you consider yourself an Oscar worthy actor.

Also ask yourself, could it be that you were being a prick to him/her? Were you trying to enforce your thoughts on that person when he/she was not ready? Were you being insensitive? Please analyze yourself too - you will probably find at least few things that you were doing wrong that you could fix. Self improvement is key to your peace of mind.

5) Leave, quit. Cut your losses and leave. There are always situations when even after you have put in your best effort, changed yourself to fix the problem, tried to make people see sense and they still don't budge. At that time just quit. It is often not worth the excessive emotional investment, your only alternative is to leave. Just do it.

Here is an example from my life, happened not too long ago. I was given the responsibility of this great project, I was all enthused and excited. The person who was leading the project before me (lets call her M) had created a mess of a situation, but by a miracle of system mismanagement, she found herself promoted to a position to oversee this project, above me but not be responsible for it anymore. Which means, she could meddle as much as she wanted, but when there was a mess to be cleaned up, it was all my responsibility. For four months I labored on the project, built the team, planned the project, worked diligently on executing the project. Everything went smoothly between the team and me, except when she chose to poke her nose into it. She did that often, and when you were least expecting it, out of the blue. We locked horns, often in front of the whole office, shouting at each other.

But what can one do? I refused to accept responsibility for decisions that were not mine! I could do the job hundred times better than she could, and she knew it! Was it jealousy that made her mess up my work? Well, I tried all the above mentioned four steps. All my efforts failed. Then, I frankly went up to the upper management and quit! I said that the only way they could still keep me involved in this project is if they could give me in writing that if this project runs aground, I will not be held responsible. Oh yes, I had all the documentation to back me up. They asked me to give it a try for another 4-6 weeks, we had a face to face meeting with M, to try and resolve the problems. It eased a trifle in the ensuing weeks, but not enough to put me at ease. So, at the end I moved on.

Believe me, life has a way of resolving itself and for the better. I actually got 'promoted' to a better position, onto program management. The fundamental project execution plan that I had created and the team I had built eventually went on to finish the project properly and successfully. M's responsibilities were slowly curtailed over the ensuing months and she was eventually made redundant - it was quite obvious over time that she was incompetent.

I am thus a firm believer that good always triumphs over the bad. I did go through the 'birthing' pains, but I have been renewed by this challenging experience. I feel that I now have a deeper insight into people's psyche. I still have ways to go, but this is a good start, don't you think?

"A woman can't do this in a man's world....."

"A woman can't do this in a man's world....."
"It's so hard..."
"Women have to face difficult choices of career versus motherhood...."
"I hardly get any time for myself...."

I hear a lot of these from women, professional women. Unfortunately, many of these complaints tend to become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

In my opinion, there are only three keys to success: hard work, determination, and knowledge.
Luck and gender has nothing to do with it.

I will talk about the three keys in latter posts, this one deals with perceived gender barriers.

I have talked with several successful women - CEOs, entrepreneurs, scientists, engineers - none of these women ever told me they had hit the proverbial 'glass ceiling'. I am yet to be as successful as them, but my personal experience has been the same. If you have a goal to achieve, are willing to put in the effort, have the unwavering belief in yourself, and the knowledge base of experience to draw from, I do not think there is any ceiling, glass or rock or otherwise, out there to stop you.

Growing up, I never let the gender issue affect me, specially in the choice of my career. When I went into Civil Engineering, it never really crossed my mind that I was entering a supposedly 'male-dominated' field and that this would be of any hindrance to my success.

The first time I was made aware of any limitations was while applying for my Masters at a US university. It came from totally unexpected quarters - a very renowned and respected professor at my university in India. To the students, he was the most 'progressive' professor of the lot, he talked with a crisp accent, prepared his lectures well (not read out from 1960's notes), and used audio-visual techniques while teaching. So when I went to him to get a recommendation for my application, he totally surprised me by saying - " Why are you wasting so much of your dad's money on these applications and studies abroad. You women will only work for couple years and then get married, have children and give up your career. Why waste all this time, energy, and money on something that you will never pursue to the end. Civil engineering is really not a career for you women, I still do not see why you girls come to study this subject and waste a good seat for a talented young boy!"
Of course I was crestfallen - my revered professor had this opinion! All my respect for him vanished that day. But to tell the truth, he was probably correct - out of the women who did study civil engineering with me, only 40% have retained a career in the field of our training, most have given up. As long as those who have given up are at peace with their choice, I really have no problems. But I do have issues with women who are either pursuing the field while continuously whining; or those who have quit the profession thinking they cannot break the so-called ceiling.

Gender difference is actually good. Women can do better because we perceive and apply information better. The worst a woman can do is to desire to be equal to a man. We are different and thank god for it! Different does not mean that one is lesser than the other, on the contrary, women have the ability to far exceed men in some areas. For example, motivation. Men tend to expect people to be self-motivated. Women, on the other hand, tend to motivate people by words and deeds - and this skill, if applied in business, is invaluable.

I think most women do a great disservice by being dishonest with themselves. (Yes, some men do too, but we are talking about women here.) We want and demand equality but we are not willing to pay the price for it. We want to excel at our work but we complain at the same time that it leaves no time to be a mother or no time for ourselves. This is not right. Of course we can be mothers, homemakers, and still be best in our professions! We have to pay the price for it - self determination, hard work, and acceptance of complete responsibility of the family, the work we do, and of ourselves. No excuses, no whines. Nothing is free - you have to pay for every ounce of 'want' you fulfill.

This is the hard truth of life irrespective of your gender - you have to learn to accept it.

I have a good friend who is the CEO of a major corporation, and a mother of three teenagers. She said (I paraphrase): "During my life, I often found myself working along parallel tracks. On one hand I was laboring with great zeal on my children's emotional and physical needs. On the other hand, I was striving toward my own professional goals. The fear of being unable to maintain the necessary pace was sometimes overwhelming. I would discipline myself to take time off every few weeks/months, as required, and sit back and objectively evaluate the choices I was making. And every time it would only affirm my choices. I have no regrets, neither does my family."

Another story from Debra Condren, the author of Ambition is Not a Dirty Word: She went through a lot of troubled times, raising a kid through a divorce, being a single mom while earning the dough and studying. Her crowning glory was when her son told her, many years later, that he respects his mom very much for having followed her dreams and he wants to do the same. (Read the book, I highly recommend it)

There are so many stories similar to these - bottom line is that we have to just get up and start on the journey towards our dreams and be ready to pay the toll with determination, hard work, and accepting responsibility.

You are only limited by your own goal setting.

QA QC

I have noticed that many professionals, and even very accomplished managers, tend to lump 'quality assurance and quality control' together as if they occur together and mean the same. In reality, QA and QC are two as different a concept as can be! I hope I will be able to dispel a bit of that confusion.

Every organization seeks to achieve higher quality in their work, whether it is a product or a service they offer. These organizations seek to maximize the ability to meet its goals with a minimum of mistakes, inefficiency, and waste. And why not, this endeavor has many long-term benefits: reduction of costs, a delighted client, good future business prospects, etc. The process to achieve this continuous improvement has several steps and is, however, usually mistakenly termed QAQC.

QA (Quality Assurance) is a set of activities (e.g. a quality audit) that are aimed to ensure that the processes followed in the organization are actually happening properly and meeting the objectives. For example, a document control audit to check if all correspondence is being filed properly at the right place for easy access and future retrieval is a QA exercise. QA also works to develop processes to better handle issues. For example, when a problem has been identified in the project execution, say drawings are being issued for construction without a mechanical engineer's review, the QA manager will then modify the project execution process to include a step that includes a review of drawings by a mechanical engineer. So, the bottom line definition is that QA is that it is process focused, that is, development of methodology and standards. The goal of QA is to find a problem in the processes and make sure the checks are implemented at the right level of detail.

QC (Quality Control), on the other hand, is the set of activities that evaluate the product. So, in the above mentioned example, the mechanical engineer checking the drawings is a QC activity. This activity is focused on finding defects in particular deliverables. In a production line, inspection and testing of a sample would be QC. Here the task is to find if the deliverable / product meets the stated level of detail and specification requirements. To stress the point - this is a fault finding activity.

Now, the confusion arises, I think, is because organizations are not sure about assigning responsibility for these two activities. More often than not, these activities are assigned to the same individual - the project manager. This is not the right approach, and I have seen many cases in my career where the final quality of the project suffers due to this.

In my opinion, the project manager should be only responsible for QA and not for QC. Of course, it also depends on scope of projects. For a $5M or less construction projects, the resources are usually strapped and the PM is forced to do both, and usually manages to do a good job. But, in projects, especially $50M+ projects, it will be near impossible for a PM to do both QA and QC and produce good results. There are too many details to consider and the focus shifts away from QA thereby compromising the project. For such projects, the PM should focus on QA and QA only. He/She should have the lead engineer or a third technically savvy engineer deal with the QC part of the project. When setting up the project the PM will need to put sufficient QC check points in his/her project execution strategy to ensure the 'fault finding' is adequately happening on the project and the quality of the final deliverables going out of the door meets (or exceeds) the quality standards promised to the client. His/her job is to constantly monitor the operations to make sure the QC checks and the recification is happening. On projects greater than $150M, there should be dedicated QA manager.