Vipassana, once again

Yesterday I had a major work deadline, for which I had been slogging 18+ hr days for over a week now. It is typical, life of a small business woman. We have staff to help, but often we have to do every little bit of the work, be it cleaning up after a coffee spill to making presentations on the national stage. So, on last Saturday morning, at 7am, while having my second coffee, I started writing this post. A friend had asked me a question about Vipassana and I wrote her a long reply on email. Then I thought, I should share the same with you all. Why not?

From tomorrow I start my sixth Vipassana course and I am very excited about it. This time I will be serving the course, and my father will be sitting the course. I feel very fortunate that my mother sat a course the year before she passed away, and this year my father is sitting. In Indian culture, there is this belief that it is very hard for children to repay the debt of their parents - to have given them birth and afforded them an opportunity to experience the human world. I am told that this is very opposite to the philosophy in Western culture, where the child owes nothing to the parents. The parents had sex, so the child was born, linked to the "original sin". Here I am, living in the West for almost two decades, with an ingrained Indian philosophy, that is my reality! Here's how I look at it, I have done as much as I can possibly do for my parents. They did/do not lack for money or any major existential comfort, of course they could have flaunted/enjoyed their money a bit more, but they did not, it was/is their choice. When my mother was sick, I left everything in "my world" here in the US, that is my own family, my work, my fledgling business, my home, and spent three months caring for her and my father. Since then, I have looked after my family, the best I way I possibly could with repeated visits and communication. No, I did not carry them on my shoulders, I don't think I needed to. The Indian philosophy on children's duty goes this way - to repay your parents' debt, there are few ways -
if they are uncomfortable, make them comfortable; 
if they are not established in morality, help them get established in morality and virtue; 
if they are not established in sharing and caring, help them to get established in generosity; 
if they are not established in insight and understanding of the world, help them get established in the same.
So, with my father doing this course next week, I feel I will have made my little effort to help him establish in insight. I take the horse to the water, if it drinks or not, it is the horse's choice.

Ready to "open my heart" and let insight come in

Vipassana is about self-observation and learning from that. It is the technique to “see the reality as it is”, and if practiced the right way, it can get us out of misery. All around me I see a lot of misery, people are sad or agitated, or frustrated. There is so much intolerance, anxiety, violence, and fear. We just have to turn on the news and it is full of hyperbole of what is going wrong in the the world, bomb blasts and war. Yes, the common man is also taking vacations to exotic places, babies are being born, there is joy in many aspects, often doused in alcohol and drugs. I may have a very pessimistic view at the moment. And it may be colored by my ability to see the pain in existence. I find most of us constantly trying to hold still in a changing world and finding it difficult. Disease and death is hurting too. As I work with my hospice patients, I notice the pain in the eyes of the caregivers how the anticipation of separation hurts them, and some are just tired fighting the disease.

When I look at my life, and the incessant challenges I had to face especially in the last five years, I feel that Vipassana has been a tremendous tool for me to help me make sense of it all, and often allow me to see various points of view, and grow to accept my life as it is, and not just tolerate it. Last five years have been a constant barrage of storms in my personal life - car accident, sick parents, death, divorce, major surgeries, home buy/sell, moving, building a business, hiring, etc. - and I survived. And this is still a work in progress. That is why I practice, that is why I do two retreats a year, and that is also why I often wish I had the exposure 30 years back and maybe not have to suffer so much. I have had a few people question the value, for they find me more perceptive than I was in the past and hence feel I may be suffering more. But I don't think so. You see, I feel I now have a tool to take temperature as the heat rises and also a pressure relief valve should I need it from time to time. That is good, methinks.

We are all very ancient creatures, with eons of tendencies ingrained in us – the good and the bad. Our cloth is quite dirty, and Vipassana helps us launder it. Leading a life of morality, meditative practice and discipline, with a curious investigative mind that penetrates into insight, I feel, is a good way to live. Hence I practice. Each one of us start at a different place based on our life experiences. The teachers/ assistant teachers at the centers we practice are not enlightened beings, they are normal people like us who have done a few more courses than us. They do not claim to be any different or superior. And they do not have all the answers to the miseries of life, and there is no "guru-dom" going on. What makes this all work for me is that there is no religion involved, that it is pure technique. There is no hypnosis, or any other kind of feel-good mumbo-jumbo. There is no guru, or rituals, or monetary shenanigans, etc. You take the technique and use it in your life the best way you can, depending on the depth of your understanding.

In India, we believe that there are four paths to enlightenment – Karma Yoga, Raj Yoga, Bhakti Yoga, and Jnana Yoga. Every human is suited for/predisposed to one or a mix of these four. No two people are alike because of the different life experiences and tendencies we have. Vipassana is a tool in the Jnana yoga path, just one tool of many. People who are inclined and resonate more with Jnana yoga will find Vipassana helpful, others won’t. So I am not at all surprised that everyone does not get the benefit as I did. Each person should be free to find his/her own path to wisdom, and use the method and means that work best for them.

For some, chanting matras or singing praise of a god or goddess with unlimited love in their heart creates a cleansing situation and their mind becomes pure and beautiful, they attain enlightenment. There have been many saints like that, does not matter which religion/god they follow.
For some, it is selfless service. They let themselves melt away in relentless service for others. They attain a higher state that way. We all can cite a few such examples as well.
For people like me, with an extremely inquisitive and discerning mind, Jnana Yog is the path, because I need insight, I need to understand, I need to experience to believe. I cannot simply trust other people's words, I need experience the wisdom first hand.  Hence Vipassana works for me.
For some people, it is a mix of all the three above, Raj Yoga. That is what the Vedanta Centers all over the world talk about. They urge people to not waste a moment of this precious life and spend every minute in one of the three practices – Karma, Bhakti, or Samadhi (meditation); and because you are busy with spiritual work, there is no way other “stuff” can come into your psyche, so your mind will get cleaned over time and you will attain enlightenment.

Where I am right now, Vipassana works for me. Five/ ten years from now, who knows? I am changing every day. I may have to follow another path later in life. I am very fluid.
So, for people who ask me, all I can say is that – have an open mind.
Vipassana is a technique, it cannot be learned or be understood by reading books or by discussing. One has to do a course, at the very least, a course. It cannot hurt you if you follow it with an open mind. If you go with a judging mind, it will only multiply your doubt, fear, and anxiety and will do no good.

I lead a very intense life, especially at work. And right now I am looking forward to the course, just one more sleep to go when I can let the pressure relief go off! Makes me happy. Very.

Krishno-Koli, my interpretation

কৃষ্ণকলি আমি তারেই বলি,   কালো তারে বলে গাঁয়ের লোক।
মেঘলা দিনে দেখেছিলেম মাঠে   কালো মেঘের কালো হরিণ-চোখ।
ঘোমটা মাথায় ছিল না তার মোটে,   মুক্তবেণী পিঠের 'পরে লোটে।
কালো? তা সে যতই কালো হোক,   দেখেছি তার কালো হরিণ-চোখ।
    
ঘন মেঘে আঁধার হল দেখে   ডাকতেছিল শ্যামল দুটি গাই,
শ্যামা মেয়ে ব্যস্ত ব্যাকুল পদে   কুটির হতে ত্রস্ত এল তাই।
আকাশ-পানে হানি যুগল ভুরু   শুনলে বারেক মেঘের গুরুগুরু।
কালো? তা সে যতই কালো হোক,   দেখেছি তার কালো হরিণ-চোখ।
    
পূবে বাতাস এল হঠাৎ ধেয়ে,   ধানের ক্ষেতে খেলিয়ে গেল ঢেউ।
আলের ধারে দাঁড়িয়েছিলেম একা,   মাঠের মাঝে আর ছিল না কেউ।
আমার পানে দেখলে কি না চেয়ে   আমি জানি আর জানে সেই মেয়ে।
কালো? তা সে যতই কালো হোক,   দেখেছি তার কালো হরিণ-চোখ।
    
এমনি করে কালো কাজল মেঘ   জ্যৈষ্ঠ মাসে আসে ঈশান কোণে।
এমনি করে কালো কোমল ছায়া   আষাঢ় মাসে নামে তমাল-বনে।
এমনি করে শ্রাবণ-রজনীতে   হঠাৎ খুশি ঘনিয়ে আসে চিতে।
কালো? তা সে যতই কালো হোক,   দেখেছি তার কালো হরিণ-চোখ।
    
কৃষ্ণকলি আমি তারেই বলি,   আর যা বলে বলুক অন্য লোক।
দেখেছিলেম ময়নাপাড়ার মাঠে   কালো মেয়ের কালো হরিণ-চোখ।
মাথার 'পরে দেয় নি তুলে বাস,   লজ্জা পাবার পায় নি অবকাশ।
কালো? তা সে যতই কালো হোক,   দেখেছি তার কালো হরিণ-চোখ॥

Ever since I had heard this song, Krishnokoli Aami Taare Boli, when I was a little girl, I had this image in my mind. Finally this morning, I garnered the courage to render it with pastels. I know not what Tagore had seen on that dark and stormy evening, but every time I hear this song my romantic heart feels pulled into the picture he so eloquently draws with words and and every time I fall in love with the black lily of his dreams, the one with doe eyes. Inspired by the vivid description, and the hooked to the mood it creates, I have spent countless hours with the sensation of melancholic love and longing, lost in the imagined world - The east wind creating waves in the full green rice fields, while dark storm clouds are gathering, and we see this beautiful nonchalant young lady, dark and mesmerizing.

This drawing of mine is an interpretation of the following - 

"Pube batas elo hathat dheye, dhaner khete kheliye galo dheu

Aler dhare dariyechilem aka, mather majhe ar chilo na keu
Amar pane dekhle k na cheye, ami jani ar jane sei meye
Kalo? Ta se jatoi kalo hok, dekhechi tar kalo harin chokh"
I translate it as -
A wind suddenly blew from the east, and it created waves on the rice fields. I was just standing by the lane, and there was no one in the fields. She looked at me. Whether she saw me or not, only she knows (and I know too). They call her dark, that might be so, but I saw her dark doe eyes.

KrishnoKoli Ami Taare Boli

Listen to the song here:

We are lucky that he translated the lovely song himself -  

"Her neighbors call her dark in the village - but she is a lily to my heart, yes, a lily though not fair. Light came muffled with clouds, when first I saw her in the field; her head was bare, her veil was off, her braided hair hanging loose on her neck. 

She may be dark as they say in the village, but I have seen her black eyes and am glad. 

The pulse of the air boded storm. She rushed out of the hut, when she heard her dappled cow low in dismay. For a moment she turned her large eyes to the clouds, and felt a stir of the coming rain in the sky. 

I stood at the corner of the rice field, - if she noticed me, it was known only to her (and perhaps I know it). She is dark as the message of shower in summer, dark as the shade of flowering woodland; she is dark as the longing for unknown love in the wistful night of May." ~ KrishnoKoli Ami Taare Boli by Rabindranath Tagore

Of Pandas and Friends with Ladders

This weekend was a treat. I went to Los Angeles to spend time with a new friend. Though she is 30 years older than me and I only met her in February for the first time, I feel that I have known her for lifetimes. She makes me feel safe, loved, and cared for, which is very special. This weekend I spent a whole day touring the museums where she volunteers, thereafter lots of chatting over dinner, followed by a lovely foot massage before calling it a night. And then today was all about waking up late, having a picnic on this magical retreat in the hills of Rancho Palos Verdes, followed by meditation and talks, and authentic home-cooked Korean dinner with her family. She knew exactly how to make me happy, and how little it takes to bring me to tears - a steaming cup of coffee in bed as I am waking up. My heart is filled with immense gratitude, that I have such beautiful people in my life.

On my drive back, I was, as usual, in a reflective mood. Thinking about life and friendships and how everything works. So here are my musings.

Our life is like this video below - we have the job to clean up the den of dried leaves that just keep falling in. It is the nature of such leaves to fall into our lives, and it is our job to clean them up from time to time, so that there is less chaos and less mess. The den does not have to be perfectly clean, but just enough to feel comfortable. And we all have these cute little pandas in our lives that keep adding to the mess. Their messes irritate us, but we also love them too much, so it is okay most of the time. We accept the irritation, and find it funny even.

Jokes aside, let's talk about friendship now.

As we go through life, our path has potholes and as we hit them, our car feels the bump, sometimes a loud one. Every time we hit a pothole, be it a promotion hassle at work, or an unknown charge on the credit card, we get a bit out of alignment. We still keep driving, and then one day we notice that the tires are all worn out. When we go to replace the tires, we also get an alignment. It is good for the car's longevity, we should do that. So, how do you get your's fixed? A yearly vacation, or a big family gathering, or long hiking or biking or running programs maybe; for me it is silent meditation retreats twice a year. 

But in life, have you ever fallen into pits? Here you were, running along the path, and accidentally you fall into a pit. May be you saw it but could not avert it due to your speed, or maybe it was hidden under those dry leaves and you did not see it. Doesn't matter how you fell in, I am sure sometime in your life you have fallen in. Maybe even sprained an ankle. Some pits are shallow, and you limp out and head home with a bad memory. Some pits, however, are deep and dark, and when you fall you get really hurt. You cry in pain. And you also try to figure out ways to get out and often you don't have tools and are so hurt that it is very difficult to climb out by yourself. That is when friends (and family) show up to help. 

I think there are three kinds of helpers. Type 1 are people who come to the edge of the pit and look at the damage. They feel sorry for you, after all they are your friends (and family), they mean well. But they don't do much, they stand on the edge and pontificate - I told you that you will fall in there someday, you did not care to listen to me. You should have been more careful. Being such an intelligent person and so much in control of your life, how did you fall in? And on top of that you also sprained your ankle? What were you thinking? Getting yourself in such a mess is really a shame. You know what you should do? When you get out, you should start getting stronger and also buy a headlight, so that you don't do this silly thing again, ever. You can't let people make such fun of you! Your reputation as a smart person is really in jeopardy here. Now, let me help you. Why don't you try to see if you have a long stick or something down there. Maybe you can cut grooves on the wall and then climb out. You got yourself into this mess, you have to put effort in getting out. This will build character, it will build resilience. By the way, no matter how much it hurts, stop crying, you fool! You need to show the world how strong you are! Get up and do something with your life!

Type 2 are friends who will come to the edge and finding you in pain and distressed will get very genuinely affected. They will stand there, review the situation, and while giving you comforting words and motivating assurances, they will start thinking of a plan of how to get you out. Once they find you are somewhat calmed down, they will leave you and run about to find a ladder. Typically they don't have one about and have to spend a bit of time looking for one. But they will find it for sure. They will carry it to the pit and lower it down to you. Then, they will encourage you to slowly make your way up, one rung at a time. From the edge of the pit, sometimes lying flat on the ground, they will keep giving you words of reassurance, so that you gain the mental strength to get up, in spite of the pain in your ankle, to get on the ladder, using the last bit of strength you have. Once you are up on the surface, they will get you to the doctor, and look after you as you heal. 

Type 3 friends are very adept. When they find you in the pit, they will in a split second realize the seriousness of the issue. They too will sit by the edge and reassure you, but they have the ladder right nearby in their garage, ready for such situations, and a first-aid kit too. So, they will run home and within a minute be back with the first-aid box and the ladder, lower it down the pit and climb down to you. Then, at the bottom, they will bandage your wound, for they know exactly how bad it is, and then after making you a bit peaceful and secure, they will gently urge you to start climbing. They will not carry you on their shoulders, for there is a danger of both of you falling back into the pit, so you will have to do the climbing by yourself. However, they will be right behind you, with their words of encouragement and assurance, making you believe that you are worth the effort, building your confidence that you can indeed make it up the ladder to safety.

What kind of friends and family do you have? And how many of each kind? If you are lucky, you probably have quite a few Type 2 friends. Type 1 are not bad, but the problem is that they are so restricted in their view (and wisdom) that they don't know what is appropriate. In their heart, they really want you to be better. But their world view is monochromatic and dominated by their own color. It is just how they are, not developed in compassion. Type 3, on the other hand, are very rare. They are very special. It is because they have experiential wisdom. They have been there before, they have fallen in the pit before, probably many times, and know very well how deep it is and how dark. They also know how hurt you can get having fallen in there themselves. And because they somehow survived, they know how to get out, and out of immense compassion in their hearts, they keep the tools ready. But such people are rare, there are not too many out there. To have been through the pain and experienced it, is hard, a very difficult growth process, and not everyone who faces it survives either. They did not just read about the pain and the pit in big fat books, they have been there; they know what the first aid is and keep the ladder ready for such rescue missions.

If you have a handful of Type 2 friends, and are lucky to have even one Type 3, consider yourself very fortunate. You will be able to run through life and not have to be scared. By the way, do not expect Type 3 behavior from your Type 2 friends, they will not be able to get down in the pit. They are scared, they have not fallen there enough times to build resilience. They are afraid that they do not have the strength to go down there and then get up again. It is okay. They are still your friend, they brought you the ladder, and encouraged you to climb up. It is good enough. Be very thankful!

It is also very good if we can also reflect on how we are when our friends have fallen in the pit. Are we Type 1, Type 2, or Type 3?

The last five years, since 2011, my life has thrown me in one pit after another. For five years, each year has been a new life-wrecking crisis. When 2016 came along, I just sat down and said to myself - will I be able to take another year like the last five? I don't think I have any bone left unbroken, I am so tired! At times I have felt I am like a trapeze artist, barely hanging from the ropes of life, and a deep dark scary abyss below, no safety net of any kind to break the fall, just darkness. And I hung on, as tightly I could, to survive, while being in extreme pain. But then, on days like this, when I am showered with so much love and care, when I am made feel worthy of attention and affection, I thank my stars and the powers that be, I feel I am very blessed with few Type 2s in my life. They have held my hand through the trauma, spoken words of encouragement, put the ladder down into my deep dark pits over and over again, and helped me resurface each year. Yes, my life is not perfectly clean, there is still a mess of dry leaves here, there and everywhere. I will never be able to get it all sparkly clean, and I don't care. Life is too short and precious to spend all the time cleaning, I want to play with the pandas too!!