This weekend was a treat. I went to Los Angeles to spend time with a new friend. Though she is 30 years older than me and I only met her in February for the first time, I feel that I have known her for lifetimes. She makes me feel safe, loved, and cared for, which is very special. This weekend I spent a whole day touring the museums where she volunteers, thereafter lots of chatting over dinner, followed by a lovely foot massage before calling it a night. And then today was all about waking up late, having a picnic on this magical retreat in the hills of Rancho Palos Verdes, followed by meditation and talks, and authentic home-cooked Korean dinner with her family. She knew exactly how to make me happy, and how little it takes to bring me to tears - a steaming cup of coffee in bed as I am waking up. My heart is filled with immense gratitude, that I have such beautiful people in my life.
Our life is like this video below - we have the job to clean up the den of dried leaves that just keep falling in. It is the nature of such leaves to fall into our lives, and it is our job to clean them up from time to time, so that there is less chaos and less mess. The den does not have to be perfectly clean, but just enough to feel comfortable. And we all have these cute little pandas in our lives that keep adding to the mess. Their messes irritate us, but we also love them too much, so it is okay most of the time. We accept the irritation, and find it funny even.
Jokes aside, let's talk about friendship now.
As we go through life, our path has potholes and as we hit them, our car feels the bump, sometimes a loud one. Every time we hit a pothole, be it a promotion hassle at work, or an unknown charge on the credit card, we get a bit out of alignment. We still keep driving, and then one day we notice that the tires are all worn out. When we go to replace the tires, we also get an alignment. It is good for the car's longevity, we should do that. So, how do you get your's fixed? A yearly vacation, or a big family gathering, or long hiking or biking or running programs maybe; for me it is silent meditation retreats twice a year.
But in life, have you ever fallen into pits? Here you were, running along the path, and accidentally you fall into a pit. May be you saw it but could not avert it due to your speed, or maybe it was hidden under those dry leaves and you did not see it. Doesn't matter how you fell in, I am sure sometime in your life you have fallen in. Maybe even sprained an ankle. Some pits are shallow, and you limp out and head home with a bad memory. Some pits, however, are deep and dark, and when you fall you get really hurt. You cry in pain. And you also try to figure out ways to get out and often you don't have tools and are so hurt that it is very difficult to climb out by yourself. That is when friends (and family) show up to help.
I think there are three kinds of helpers. Type 1 are people who come to the edge of the pit and look at the damage. They feel sorry for you, after all they are your friends (and family), they mean well. But they don't do much, they stand on the edge and pontificate - I told you that you will fall in there someday, you did not care to listen to me. You should have been more careful. Being such an intelligent person and so much in control of your life, how did you fall in? And on top of that you also sprained your ankle? What were you thinking? Getting yourself in such a mess is really a shame. You know what you should do? When you get out, you should start getting stronger and also buy a headlight, so that you don't do this silly thing again, ever. You can't let people make such fun of you! Your reputation as a smart person is really in jeopardy here. Now, let me help you. Why don't you try to see if you have a long stick or something down there. Maybe you can cut grooves on the wall and then climb out. You got yourself into this mess, you have to put effort in getting out. This will build character, it will build resilience. By the way, no matter how much it hurts, stop crying, you fool! You need to show the world how strong you are! Get up and do something with your life!
Type 2 are friends who will come to the edge and finding you in pain and distressed will get very genuinely affected. They will stand there, review the situation, and while giving you comforting words and motivating assurances, they will start thinking of a plan of how to get you out. Once they find you are somewhat calmed down, they will leave you and run about to find a ladder. Typically they don't have one about and have to spend a bit of time looking for one. But they will find it for sure. They will carry it to the pit and lower it down to you. Then, they will encourage you to slowly make your way up, one rung at a time. From the edge of the pit, sometimes lying flat on the ground, they will keep giving you words of reassurance, so that you gain the mental strength to get up, in spite of the pain in your ankle, to get on the ladder, using the last bit of strength you have. Once you are up on the surface, they will get you to the doctor, and look after you as you heal.
Type 3 friends are very adept. When they find you in the pit, they will in a split second realize the seriousness of the issue. They too will sit by the edge and reassure you, but they have the ladder right nearby in their garage, ready for such situations, and a first-aid kit too. So, they will run home and within a minute be back with the first-aid box and the ladder, lower it down the pit and climb down to you. Then, at the bottom, they will bandage your wound, for they know exactly how bad it is, and then after making you a bit peaceful and secure, they will gently urge you to start climbing. They will not carry you on their shoulders, for there is a danger of both of you falling back into the pit, so you will have to do the climbing by yourself. However, they will be right behind you, with their words of encouragement and assurance, making you believe that you are worth the effort, building your confidence that you can indeed make it up the ladder to safety.
What kind of friends and family do you have? And how many of each kind? If you are lucky, you probably have quite a few Type 2 friends. Type 1 are not bad, but the problem is that they are so restricted in their view (and wisdom) that they don't know what is appropriate. In their heart, they really want you to be better. But their world view is monochromatic and dominated by their own color. It is just how they are, not developed in compassion. Type 3, on the other hand, are very rare. They are very special. It is because they have experiential wisdom. They have been there before, they have fallen in the pit before, probably many times, and know very well how deep it is and how dark. They also know how hurt you can get having fallen in there themselves. And because they somehow survived, they know how to get out, and out of immense compassion in their hearts, they keep the tools ready. But such people are rare, there are not too many out there. To have been through the pain and experienced it, is hard, a very difficult growth process, and not everyone who faces it survives either. They did not just read about the pain and the pit in big fat books, they have been there; they know what the first aid is and keep the ladder ready for such rescue missions.
If you have a handful of Type 2 friends, and are lucky to have even one Type 3, consider yourself very fortunate. You will be able to run through life and not have to be scared. By the way, do not expect Type 3 behavior from your Type 2 friends, they will not be able to get down in the pit. They are scared, they have not fallen there enough times to build resilience. They are afraid that they do not have the strength to go down there and then get up again. It is okay. They are still your friend, they brought you the ladder, and encouraged you to climb up. It is good enough. Be very thankful!
It is also very good if we can also reflect on how we are when our friends have fallen in the pit. Are we Type 1, Type 2, or Type 3?
The last five years, since 2011, my life has thrown me in one pit after another. For five years, each year has been a new life-wrecking crisis. When 2016 came along, I just sat down and said to myself - will I be able to take another year like the last five? I don't think I have any bone left unbroken, I am so tired! At times I have felt I am like a trapeze artist, barely hanging from the ropes of life, and a deep dark scary abyss below, no safety net of any kind to break the fall, just darkness. And I hung on, as tightly I could, to survive, while being in extreme pain. But then, on days like this, when I am showered with so much love and care, when I am made feel worthy of attention and affection, I thank my stars and the powers that be, I feel I am very blessed with few Type 2s in my life. They have held my hand through the trauma, spoken words of encouragement, put the ladder down into my deep dark pits over and over again, and helped me resurface each year. Yes, my life is not perfectly clean, there is still a mess of dry leaves here, there and everywhere. I will never be able to get it all sparkly clean, and I don't care. Life is too short and precious to spend all the time cleaning, I want to play with the pandas too!!
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