I was reflecting this morning - if a decade back someone told me about meditation and urged me to practice, I'd have pooh-poohed them. It was totally out of my realm of daily existence or desire. I had no time! I was busy, managing mega projects, experimenting with world cuisines, entertaining friends and family, traveling to beautiful places, really "living the life with zeal and zest" with not a moment to rest or spare. A part of me did long for some quietness, but I quickly suppressed those urges with sensory overload. Whenever there was a moment to spare, which was rare, I used to make lists of everything that needs to get done, new dreams. I was so busy running the show.
I was working on a ground breaking project, there were 50 to 60 hour work weeks for six months at a stretch with no respite, and I thrived in the busyness. We were building the fastest ever built Pure Water plant, design build. I was so engrossed in work that I used to sleep-talk about work problems to solve. Every day started with three meetings with three disciplines (civil, mechanical, electrical/instrumentation/control) of construction crews, I used to give them instructions for the day ahead and also update the plans for the upcoming weeks. The speed of projects was so intense and the room for error so low that we needed to plan schedules in 4-hour intervals. It was exhilarating! At any given time, I had at least five teams, if not more, in four continents, working round the clock, churning out designs. If a portion was designed Kansas City, while we were sleeping in Brisbane, I checked and issued it for construction the next morning and construction started right away. There was no strict definition of my job, it was "do whatever it takes to keep the machine going!" Everyday presented a new challenge, and new kink or hurdle that needed to be resolved. It did not matter what. I was the best fault-investigator there was and I fixed it. Be it the receiving and sorting/storage and issue of materials and equipment from contractor's on-site storage, or pickling schedule of some field modified steel pipes, or designing and building analyzer panels on site, or making sure that Mumbai did the auto-cad mark-ups correctly. No job was off limits and no task above or beneath me. One morning I was inside manholes testing the vacuum seals, and in the same afternoon I was giving tours of the plants to the CEOs of the big companies we were working for. I loved that we all wore the same uniform, had fantastic gourmet coffee machines on site, and there was a sense of camaraderie among teams that I nurtured. I felt I owned the plant, I could tell you about each bolt that went in that place, who designed it, where it was bought, who purchased it, who installed it, who inspected it, who commissioned it. I was having the time of my life. I was 31 years old, and I was loving my job. Everyday I woke up, though physically tired from lack of sleep for weeks on end, I had a spring in my step, I wanted to go to work, and thrived on the energy. I was getting things built and there was great satisfaction in watching the plant grow in front of my eyes.
Personal side was very interesting too. I lived on the 35th floor of a beautiful high-rise overlooking the Brisbane river. Just sipping coffee from the balcony would put my mind to peace, to watch the river flowing, the people, like Lilliputs, walking about, ferries plying the river, cars rushing about. I used to throw parties for my hubby's friends and my work colleagues, cooking/experimenting with different cuisines. China Town was just a short walk away and I could get really nice ingredients. Fresh vegetables and meat at grocery stores in Australia was way more flavorful than what we got in the farmers' markets in the US. If we sliced a simple green bell pepper in the kitchen, the aroma of capsicum would float around the entire apartment. It was a delight to cook and entertain. We went of vacations when we could, all around Australia. I used to have a big fat diary where I had accumulated a list of all the places I wanted to travel to, it was my bucket list and it was LONG. In the preceding decade I had collected all the National Geographic magazines published since the day I was born, and I had meticulously read all of them and jotted out detailed itineraries of every place in the world I wanted to visit - from Vladivostok to Moscow, from Banff to Panama Canal, every country in Africa, a month in Antarctica, and so on. Sitting in the balcony of my exquisite Brizzy apartment, I would read my diary, dream and then add some more. The year before, in 2006, I had already run the Chicago marathon, way before any of my friends had even thought of it. Today it is a fad and almost everyone seems to be running or cycling, but back then, a decade ago, it was not as common. At least not this common among my friends circle. So, my challenge health-wise was what could I do next? I decided to work on reducing my body-fat percentage to as low as I can do while having fitness and stamina. So, I used to wake up at 4am, be at the University of Queensland gym by 5am, workout exclusively on strength training for an hour, then head to work for my 6:30am phone call with Kansas City. When I got home in the evening, I would run a three mile loop over Story Bridge and South Bank, and then get home and drink only a smoothie to bed. My sister-in-law's wedding was to be in 2008, and I wanted to look perfect, my definition of perfect. I watched everything I ate, I felt proud of how I looked, how everything I wore looked beautiful on my curves. I often spent Sundays shopping on Queen Street, finding the best and smartest fit.
My life was so outwardly focused, interested in achieving. The achievements gave me my value, they gave me a sense of place in the world. I was coveting and working on being the best. I looked at myself through the eyes of others, I accepted the script completely, made it mine and lived it to near perfection. It gave me joy to achieve, I laughed, and then I strived even more. The craving was insatiable. As soon as I had achieved one goal, I was sitting down to write the next. Climb a mountain? Become the CEO of a multinational company? Open a restaurant? Have 8% body-fat? Run a marathon in every country of the world? Eat exotic dishes prepared by the locals in every country I visit? Make one new friend a month? Fly a plane? On and on it went. Every high I got from an achievement, I was not content for long. I soon got bored and craved for the next high. Money? Health? Vacations? Accolades? There was always something I could do more and better than what was already done. It was Desire that fueled me. Did not matter what the desire hooked on to, what the goal was, it was Desire coursing through my veins. I wanted Freedom Of Desire, that is, the ability to strive and get anything I could desire and I tried to prove to myself all the time by setting higher and higher goals. It was addictive! It felt great! I was "high"!
And today, a decade later, all I am very happy to just sit for 20 to 30 days a year, in solitary confinement of a four by six closet, for twelve hours a day, and watch nothing but my breath as it goes in and goes out. And I often wish I could do this for three months straight. There is a quality of bliss and contentment in sitting that I never knew existed before! I have grown to appreciate solitude deeply, this freedom is incomparable to all the joys from a decade back. I feel so fortunate to be experiencing moment by moment the pure unadulterated joy of Freedom From Desire. Just to sit and watch the sensations arise and pass away, the emotions and thoughts doing the same. It is like watching a stream or river, sometimes it is fast and furious and sometimes it is calm and serene. I don't need to go watch a real river, it is in my mind. I sit in awe of the power of this mind, and I now strive, very kindly and gently, to train it, to harness it. In the past I used to unleash my intellect and thinking prowess at problems with great results, but I could not make it stop at will, and so it would run haywire all over the place. I used to think that it was smart for it to do so. But now, I take great fun in training it. It is amazing, like my pups, Freo and Ozzie, I walk the mind on a leash. When it needs to go for a walk I take it, I let it pee and poop and sniff around the walking path, but I control the direction of the path. If my mind gets excited by seeing what's on the other side of the road wants to cross the road onto oncoming traffic, I say no and hold the leash firmly. It sits and waits till the time is right and we cross the road together. This is an amazing thing. I feel such joy to be able to control my mind. Well, I am not 100% there yet, but most of the time I can at least watch it, if not control it. My mind still gets excited and jumps up and down like F&O does when there is a happy guest in the house, I do that when there is a good music, or good food, or good friend to talk to, or some other sensory stimulation. What has changed is that when that stimulation is not there, I don't go looking for it. I am just as peaceful playing with my own toys at home, or just resting. The restlessness is going down. And somehow I feel I get more things done. Every morning after my meditation, with a yellow pad in hand, I make a to-do list and then put it away. Somehow in the course of the day, without having to look at the list, it gets done, with time to spare, for drawing, or music, or painting, or other things. I still run my business with sincerity and efficiency, I have a home that is pretty well kept most of the time, and I go on long walks on the beach when I please. I am less flustered, less anxious, less angry, less guilty, less worried. My body fat is not at 8%, neither is my bank balance in the millions, but there is this contentment that what is done is done, what is left to be done is not done and it is okay, no worries! At every out breath, if it were to be my last, there is no regret or nothing left undone. If death is to claim me right next moment, I am as ready as I can be. I think this is so wonderful!
I was working on a ground breaking project, there were 50 to 60 hour work weeks for six months at a stretch with no respite, and I thrived in the busyness. We were building the fastest ever built Pure Water plant, design build. I was so engrossed in work that I used to sleep-talk about work problems to solve. Every day started with three meetings with three disciplines (civil, mechanical, electrical/instrumentation/control) of construction crews, I used to give them instructions for the day ahead and also update the plans for the upcoming weeks. The speed of projects was so intense and the room for error so low that we needed to plan schedules in 4-hour intervals. It was exhilarating! At any given time, I had at least five teams, if not more, in four continents, working round the clock, churning out designs. If a portion was designed Kansas City, while we were sleeping in Brisbane, I checked and issued it for construction the next morning and construction started right away. There was no strict definition of my job, it was "do whatever it takes to keep the machine going!" Everyday presented a new challenge, and new kink or hurdle that needed to be resolved. It did not matter what. I was the best fault-investigator there was and I fixed it. Be it the receiving and sorting/storage and issue of materials and equipment from contractor's on-site storage, or pickling schedule of some field modified steel pipes, or designing and building analyzer panels on site, or making sure that Mumbai did the auto-cad mark-ups correctly. No job was off limits and no task above or beneath me. One morning I was inside manholes testing the vacuum seals, and in the same afternoon I was giving tours of the plants to the CEOs of the big companies we were working for. I loved that we all wore the same uniform, had fantastic gourmet coffee machines on site, and there was a sense of camaraderie among teams that I nurtured. I felt I owned the plant, I could tell you about each bolt that went in that place, who designed it, where it was bought, who purchased it, who installed it, who inspected it, who commissioned it. I was having the time of my life. I was 31 years old, and I was loving my job. Everyday I woke up, though physically tired from lack of sleep for weeks on end, I had a spring in my step, I wanted to go to work, and thrived on the energy. I was getting things built and there was great satisfaction in watching the plant grow in front of my eyes.
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| View of the Brisbane River from our apartment by Story Bridge |
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| Gabba (Cricket stadium) alight, night-time view from our apartment |
My life was so outwardly focused, interested in achieving. The achievements gave me my value, they gave me a sense of place in the world. I was coveting and working on being the best. I looked at myself through the eyes of others, I accepted the script completely, made it mine and lived it to near perfection. It gave me joy to achieve, I laughed, and then I strived even more. The craving was insatiable. As soon as I had achieved one goal, I was sitting down to write the next. Climb a mountain? Become the CEO of a multinational company? Open a restaurant? Have 8% body-fat? Run a marathon in every country of the world? Eat exotic dishes prepared by the locals in every country I visit? Make one new friend a month? Fly a plane? On and on it went. Every high I got from an achievement, I was not content for long. I soon got bored and craved for the next high. Money? Health? Vacations? Accolades? There was always something I could do more and better than what was already done. It was Desire that fueled me. Did not matter what the desire hooked on to, what the goal was, it was Desire coursing through my veins. I wanted Freedom Of Desire, that is, the ability to strive and get anything I could desire and I tried to prove to myself all the time by setting higher and higher goals. It was addictive! It felt great! I was "high"!
And today, a decade later, all I am very happy to just sit for 20 to 30 days a year, in solitary confinement of a four by six closet, for twelve hours a day, and watch nothing but my breath as it goes in and goes out. And I often wish I could do this for three months straight. There is a quality of bliss and contentment in sitting that I never knew existed before! I have grown to appreciate solitude deeply, this freedom is incomparable to all the joys from a decade back. I feel so fortunate to be experiencing moment by moment the pure unadulterated joy of Freedom From Desire. Just to sit and watch the sensations arise and pass away, the emotions and thoughts doing the same. It is like watching a stream or river, sometimes it is fast and furious and sometimes it is calm and serene. I don't need to go watch a real river, it is in my mind. I sit in awe of the power of this mind, and I now strive, very kindly and gently, to train it, to harness it. In the past I used to unleash my intellect and thinking prowess at problems with great results, but I could not make it stop at will, and so it would run haywire all over the place. I used to think that it was smart for it to do so. But now, I take great fun in training it. It is amazing, like my pups, Freo and Ozzie, I walk the mind on a leash. When it needs to go for a walk I take it, I let it pee and poop and sniff around the walking path, but I control the direction of the path. If my mind gets excited by seeing what's on the other side of the road wants to cross the road onto oncoming traffic, I say no and hold the leash firmly. It sits and waits till the time is right and we cross the road together. This is an amazing thing. I feel such joy to be able to control my mind. Well, I am not 100% there yet, but most of the time I can at least watch it, if not control it. My mind still gets excited and jumps up and down like F&O does when there is a happy guest in the house, I do that when there is a good music, or good food, or good friend to talk to, or some other sensory stimulation. What has changed is that when that stimulation is not there, I don't go looking for it. I am just as peaceful playing with my own toys at home, or just resting. The restlessness is going down. And somehow I feel I get more things done. Every morning after my meditation, with a yellow pad in hand, I make a to-do list and then put it away. Somehow in the course of the day, without having to look at the list, it gets done, with time to spare, for drawing, or music, or painting, or other things. I still run my business with sincerity and efficiency, I have a home that is pretty well kept most of the time, and I go on long walks on the beach when I please. I am less flustered, less anxious, less angry, less guilty, less worried. My body fat is not at 8%, neither is my bank balance in the millions, but there is this contentment that what is done is done, what is left to be done is not done and it is okay, no worries! At every out breath, if it were to be my last, there is no regret or nothing left undone. If death is to claim me right next moment, I am as ready as I can be. I think this is so wonderful!
