retreat and my friends and family have been asking - "How was it?" So I suppose I should write some of my thoughts down. One word of caution for the readers is that my experience at a silent meditation retreat will never be the same as anyone else's because my life experiences from this life and the previous ones (should one choose to believe in rebirth) is very different from the reader's, so while reading this and other such observations, please remember this fact and don't equate/expect your experiences to be similar.
In Vipassana meditation, we focus our attention completely on self. All our lives we have been focused on things outside the self and have been in illusion that those outside items and situations will bring us happiness. In this meditation technique we learn how to truly observe ourselves and learn by experience on the body the true changing nature of everything within and around us and settle with that understanding in real life. That is where equanimity lies, and with this practice we train the deep subconscious to become equanimous. In worldly life we are usually sitting on a knife edge on which the seesaw balances - pleasure/pain, gain/loss, victory/defeat, and fame/disgrace. We think one side of the seesaw is happiness and the other side is not. But in reality, these always appear in pairs, if we get one there is no escape from the other, we may choose not to want to see it, but it is there, always. Every time we blindly indulge in pleasure, without the understanding of its changing nature, we sow a seed of craving in our subconscious; then when the cause of pleasure moves away, we get sad and sow a seed of aversion in our subconscious. And we keep rolling in the imagination of pleasure, or in the sadness of not getting the pleasure, thereby multiplying the defilements of craving and aversion. Through Vipassana you start experientially seeing this basic truth and then learn how to make that knife edge wider. As we practice, and do so with right view and effort, the edge gets wider and wider, first like the edge of a ruler, then wide like a brick wall, then it gets wider and wider over time as we keep on investing in the practice. These four pairs will always be there in the world to try to throw us one way or the other, but we'll develop the width to handle the wavering and not let these hook us and take us down that often. We will still enjoy the view, but it will not create any craving or aversion that lead to misery. That is the practice. And it is hard work. From 4am to 9:30pm, we meditate almost 11-12 hours, with breaks for breakfast, lunch, and tea. Physically we do not labor at all, we are sitting most of the time. But mentally we have to work very hard, to train the mind - first to gently train it to "stay like a puppy dog" and obey my command and not run off in the past or future, then we gently ask it to follow instructions of Vipassana.
When friends and family hear about my meditation practice, I get so many reactions. Some equate it to the mind concentration they get when they are running (runners high), or when playing music, or playing a video game, or even when engrossed at work, etc. Some think I have gone all religious and fanatic and caution me. Some cannot believe how a talkative person like me can stay quiet for ten long days and not speak by word or gesture with anyone. Some think I have this ultimate experience of pleasant sensations and live in bliss and are jealous. Some wonder why at this age I am going for things like this, when I should be dating, traveling the world, driving fast cars, etc. Some, based on their own not-too-great experience with short term meditation courses, wonder why I am wasting my time for meditation does not work. And there are many more such reactions. Well, what I say is "Ehipassiko" - experience it and see for yourself. Do not believe in anything I write here, go do it yourself and find out for yourself. I did my first course in 2010. It made a very big impact in my life. In fact, it gave me the impetus to start
Proteus and also
Soma's Kitchen. It cleared out a lot of knots I had in my life, it also made me lose quite a few prominent defilements. I was not actively focused on "working" these issues, it just happened as a byproduct of Vipassana, it cleaned my cloth. So much so that my mother, when she visited me in 2011, noticed the remarkable difference in my attitude towards life. And inspired by the obvious change in me, she herself did a course that April. On the other hand, some others did not resonate with the benefits of this practice and moved away from my life. Good? Bad? Who knows?
So, "How was it?" It was Too Short, Too Cold, Too Calm.
Too Short. Yes, I was quite surprised myself, ten days seemed too short this time. For the first 3.5 days, we are to practice
Anapana meditation, where we concentrate the mind using breath. This is to refine the mind such that we can access the deeper part of the subconscious in subsequent Vipassana phase. On the fourth day when Vipassana instructions were being given, I just did not want it, I wanted to go on further with Anapana for few more days and focus to more subtle sensations. This was a first for me, for in the previous retreats, I used to be so eager to start with Vipassana. This time, I felt resistant, and it was very odd. But I had to move on, after all this was a 10-day course and follows a set structure, you cannot change it on whim. Then on the 9th day, I again felt that I was not ready to go to
Metta day, I wanted to go on for another week! I wanted to work more deep! So, I suppose I may be ready for a 20-day course? But then, being a business owner with so many worldly responsibilities, how can I afford to take that much time off in one shot. Something to ponder about. There are 20, 30, 45, and 60 day retreats offered, but I cannot do them yet, may be after retirement. But it is definitely something to look forward to. It will be so wonderful to be able to be able to focus so intently on mind purification for that long and go deep, very deep.
Too Cold. The great thing was that after many years I had a White Christmas! It started snowing on Christmas Eve and by 25th morning we had 3-inch snow on the ground, along with bright sunshine. It was beautiful. But, this SoCal girl did not have enough cold weather sustenance equipment, so it was a bit painful. We did not celebrate Christmas or New Year during the retreat, everyday was just another day. Still, the full moon soaking the white dust with its silvery light was something very touching. Next, the room I was allotted was at the end of a building whose heating system was on the other end, so the heat did not quite make it to my bed. The insulation was not too good either and I found a cold breeze on my face as I slid in between the icy-cold sheets every night. When I was a little girl, my parents gave me two choices for a career - study hard and become an engineer, or, don't study and become a beggar at
Howrah Station. Ha! As I lay in the cold of the night (from 930pm - 4am everyday), I somehow felt that in someway I was living the second option. True, I was not physically lying on a platform at Howrah station, but I was indeed living on alms (
dana) of others for food and lodging, and the beggars in Howrah station probably feel the cold weather just as I was feeling then. They too do not have enough warm things to battle the harsh winter, maybe just a thin blanket, barely keeping them warm. In a way, my ten days of sleeping in the cold was no different from theirs'. And there, lying in my cold bed, as I slipped into sleep, I resonated with their pain in cold, and I sent them my metta, my understanding.
Too Calm. This was another surprise for me. During the last four courses there was a lot of upheaval, I could see the defilements come out with vengeance, there was sadness, restlessness, sleep/torpor, passion, doubt, tears, craving, aversion, anxiety, frustration, etc. There was one day in last July's retreat when I was not able to sit or sleep, I was bouncing off the walls, my body was extremely restless. When I sat it felt as I was sitting on bed of scorpions. The mind moved so fast that I could not hold it. But this time it all slowed down. The monkey mind was indeed prominent, but I could see it objectively, as if it was happening on a screen and I was not involved. On the 5th day, I had a moment when I realized that I had thought all the thoughts I wanted/needed to think of, there was nothing new left to think! So from then on it was repetition! I felt as if I had slid comfortably into the technique, my subconscious was not fighting it anymore. There was a sense of calm. Thoughts were still there, but they didn't rule me. I felt settled, like I was sitting beside an old friend, I did not need to talk much, we understood each other and was at peace in each others' presence.
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| Happiness |
I have this vision of happiness. It is like a flame in my heart, like that of an oil lamp. The flame can burn only when the reservoir of oil is there sustaining it. The key ingredients in the oil are right view, effort, sincerity, and confidence. Any cloudiness in these four essential components, the flame does not do well. And as we carry this flame about in the world, the winds of life keep blowing it off or at least trying to do so. So, to protect the flame we give it a glass chimney. This chimney is made of four things - wealth, health, family, and friends. It is a common misconception that these four elements are the oil for happiness, but they are not. My flame of happiness can only come from within and burn on oil that I produce, nothing external can ever make me happy. But wealth-health-family-friends are very essential, they help keep my flame burning. These four have different strengths at different times of our lives. For example, when we are kids, family is strong and wealth is weak, but in mid to old age wealth provides quite a bit of security. Some people are lucky to have a very supportive family, some have great friends, some have more of health and less of wealth. It does not matter, it is not a set 25% requirement for each, just enough to provide the protection that is needed at a given time. And mind you, this chimney is made of glass, it breaks from time to time. At that time, you need to carry the lamp to a corner to protect it from the winds, relight it with the oil and find a new chimney. It may take a bit of time, but it is okay. Be prepared for the chimney to break from time to time, it is the nature of glass to break. But the oil for the flame is within you, you can light it again.
Every time I attend the Vipassana retreat, I come back feeling that I have got a precious jewel and I feel the intense desire to share it with everyone. I seem to have become an advocate for Vipassana. Mind purification is the only way to create the oil for the happiness flame. And I want to share this with you all. So if any of you want to attend a course like this, check out
www.dhamma.org. These courses are free, and at the end you may make a donation if you wish. Old students, like me and millions others who have experienced the benefits of this technique, are sponsoring the new students through dana. The teachers are selfless and spend countless hours making sure the students are comfortable and are following the process effectively. It is an amazing purifying experience.
