I feel guilty all the time....

Professional women suffer this the most. May be it's a gender issue. I have not seen men go through this emotion as much as women. Wonder why that is?

Most common issues among my female colleagues are -

• Mothers feel guilty leaving their kid at the day care.
  
• Professionals feel that they do not have time for their family.
  
• Others feel the same since they have to leave work early, they are compromising their career.
  
• No cooked meal on the table every night.
  
• The bills are sometimes late.
  
• The laundry is not folded properly.
  
• The dishwasher is not cleared out.
  

The list goes on and on... There is no end.

No, it's not work-life balance issue that is not solvable. It is in fact a bad case of GUILT. Guilt is an all prevailing undercurrent of their lives, or at least in the first 10-15 years of professional life with a growing family. But why does it need to be this way? Why do they spend so much time consumed by this and feel miserable? Is it necessary?

I think guilt is the number one effectiveness-killing emotions, and is absolutely useless since it wastes energy and time. Can regret and remorse really change anything? If you are busy feeling guilty, when do you have the time to really get something done!

To tell the truth, we are conditioned to feel guilty since we are kids. And it's a very hard habit to break. Parents, teachers, neighbors, family, religion, all use guilt to regulate our behavior. We are taught from the childhood that there are strict right and wrong behavioral rules and we are expected to feel good and bad respectively. This conditioning is carried over to adulthood and reinforced by society at every step on the way.

But, guilt is the perfect excuse for not changing oneself. If people do something that is not helping, they tend to 'pay their dues' by feeling bad about it, and then go on living. They take no risks and make no effort to improve. The easy way out is feeling guilty.

Guilt also allows them to hold others responsible for their actions. They exonerate themselves from the wrongdoing. They look for winning approval and pity of others - after all they are feeling guilty, hence they are absolved, and others should be sorry for them. They prove to the world that they are a wonderful, conscientious and caring person. If only there were not these extenuating circumstances forced on them by the evil world, they would have come through. They prefer to be pitied, but refuse to take responsibility for their choice!

This malady often manifests itself often as a bad case of "should - have". 'I should have asked for an approval.' "I should have added this to my to-do list.' 'I should have started this project earlier.' Wake up! Past is history. What will you do differently, now, and in the future?

Feeling guilty over what does not get done is your ticket to misery, lifelong misery. Why do you expect that everything will be done? You may have a long to-do list of things to do in a day, why do you expect that 100% needs to be complete by the end of the day? Just make time for the important things, the rest will resolve itself.

This is no secret, of the the 100 things on your list of things to do, only 20% are actually important. You need to attend to only those. Others will solve over time. The key is to identify which of those 100 items is important. Note, I did not say urgent, I said important. There is a big difference. 99% of what you think is actually urgent, is not! Clear up your mind and thinking, try to identify the difference between urgent and important. Focus on the important first.

Here is some advice from Jack Collis:

• Recognize the past for what it is. Write 10 things down that you wish you hadn't done. Then write 10 things you wish you had done. Give yourself five points for each item that feeling bad about would really help. What's your score? It's zero, isn't it?

• Practice feeling guilty. Set aside 15-20 minutes a day and think of a past event to feel bad about. Feel guilty. Beat yourself up for it. Pity, anger, worry, bring them all on. Then step back and see what an enormous drain of energy it takes to feel guilty. Why do it?

• List all the things you are avoiding by feeling guilty. What are you planning to do about them? In reality, you can avoid doing almost anything by feeling guilty, being lazy, lacking direction. Why don't you spend your time resolving to actually do something about the situation rather than sitting out there and feel guilty about it?

• Accept responsibility for the choices you make. They are yours, be it mistakes or misfortunes, own them. You have the right to be wrong sometimes, it's OK. As long as you do something about it, resolve to never repeat it, it's all right.

• Dissociate yourself from guilt wielders. The world is full of such people who cast off their bad feelings on to others. Ignore them, and better yet, throw them out of your life. They are not your friends, they are your worst enemies. Stick with people who help you construct a good life, not with people who fill you will useless emotions.

The worst case of guilt is demonstrated by young mothers going to work leaving the kid behind at day care feeling miserable all day and wondering if their career is worth it. You bet it is well worth it! Please do not feel guilty - it does not do anything for you or your kid. Instead accept that you are human and life does not flow smoothly, and think long term. Things are going to be lopsided and messy and often - but over time, it's all going to ease out. Your son/daughter will not curse you for leaving him/her behind when he/she grows up. Instead he/she will admire you as a superwoman who went for a career while loving him/her as much as you could. Just do it, don't waste time and energy feeling guilty.
I suggest you read Chapter 15 from "Ambition is not a Dirty Word". She has very good practical tips on dealing with this issue.

Personally for me, it has been a very difficult journey weeding guilt out of my life. I don't think I am at the end of the road yet - it's not easy to reverse 30+ years of parental and social conditioning! But I am on my way, I hope you will join me as well, for your own sake.