These days I buy flowers for myself, and also love to receive flowers. I know it is not a big deal, lots of people buy and receive flowers everyday, every grocery store and mall has a flower store. But it is a very big deal for me. For much of my life I did not buy flowers, nor did I like it when people gave me flowers. For me flowers represented a state of impermanence, and I was on a quest to make things last forever - my home, my marriage, my relationships, my career, my everything. I wanted very intensely that no matter what I started on should be perfect, and once I have created it, it should also sustain itself over time. This was a deep seated quest within me, honed with decades of insecurities while being blessed with an innate drive. I was able to build grand castles with flimsy cards and keep them standing, while anxiously protecting them from each gust of wind or shake of the table. At what cost, even I did not know very well at that time. 40 years of incessant quest, non stop. As I said, I was blessed with a drive energy, but not with adequate life wisdom to focus the drive in the right channels and to understand the true nature of how the world works. I had no clue! I had this us-and-them relationship with the world/ nature. I needed to fight to create and maintain and protect my castles of cards. I had internalized the misguided aphorism "no pain, no gain". My quest was therefore also that of pain. Instead of working "with" the natural order of things, I believed I needed to work "in spite" of it.
My energy and drive served me well. I have survived a very painful abused childhood, I now live in a very developed country, own my home and all the luxuries that this lifestyle has to offer, I have invested 20+ years in a career and advanced rapidly. I fondly recollect the joy of being 33 and managing $300M program of projects with five teams in four continents with the efficiency of a well practiced orchestra master. I thrived on that. Today I have a engineering and management consulting practice in San Diego, that I have carefully nurtured and grown; we are are in our ninth year. In the last decade, I survived seven years of major crisis one year after the other, each as profound as the other, and so closely situated that I faced a new crisis before I could heal from the previous one. There were major car accidents, death, cancer scares, surgeries, disenchantment with family, divorce, major financial stress, and more. Well, I am still standing! Some days this realization itself fills me with an intense sense of gratitude. And during this last decade, I also found Vipassana, and that finally started bringing a bit of wisdom in my life. It is as if a door within me has opened, and I am slowly and cautiously making my way into myself, learning what lies within, and by doing just that I am learning how the world really works outside, I am learning to live with it and not against it anymore. I'm learning to let the water hold me as I try to swim, and not fight it. It is a new skill, I am not expert at it yet, but getting better everyday.
So what about the flowers?
Yes, flowers are impermanent. And they are a representation of nature, as it is. Beautiful flowers are born, they live their cycle, and then pass away, when they do they actually stink of melted leaves and faded blooms. I am getting used to that experiential truth, in my meditation practice on the cushion, and as it overflows into my day to day life. I am not seeking permanence anymore. I am learning to accept that flow of life as it arrives every moment, allowing it rather than blocking it or trying to channel it by force. I have more or less discarded will-power, and started to follow the lead of wisdom-power.
All this is good and nice, may even sound koo-koo to some. I sometimes feel the same! But then when I really watch the change that has come in my life and subtle benefits of peace, clarity, and fearlessness, I am amazed. These benefits are to be experienced deep within. One cannot see another and measure from outside. It is all internal. And I am so very grateful that I have a practice, I go to that mental gym and workout everyday, my mind gradually purifying, getting stronger, and the tendrils of true courage sprouting.
So what about the finances?
In the "traditional world" as I call it, where we live our life with a script, either handed to us by society or by our own fears, we live by goals. Boy, did I do those yearly goal setting exercises every year of my adulthood. In fact, in my drive to excel, I'd measure progress every month, sometimes every week. There was a time in 2003 - 2007 when I had read every self-help or career/ life book available. You name it, and I have read it. Not only read it, I have applied it in my life. See, I used to think that was true life wisdom, and it was outside of me in words, and I needed to read, intellectualize, and then put habits in place to actualize. They worked, to a large extent, but was not complete. Because it was someone else's wisdom, not arising from within.
Now, with my practice, I have learned to see my fears and anxieties, raw and palpating, as they arise. I have learned to sit with them, raw and palpating, without taking any other "out", be it an intoxicant, or a pill, or a flight of fancy in hope-land, or an emotional crutch in another being. It is HARD, I tell you. But since 2014, this has been the sole focus of my existence, to learn how to surf these internal waves. By no means I am an expert surfer, but these days I can stand on the waves longer than being drawn under it gasping for air, or being battered unconscious by my own surfboard. During these last five years, I have realized that financial independence is one of the key foundation stones I need to secure for a balanced life moving forward.
There is a strong FIRE movement afoot. It is still counterculture to some extent, and it intrigues me. I have been talking about retirement to my friends for a few years, but I really mean financial independence. It is what one prominent blogger calls having F-you Money, I like that. I am gradually reading through the huge body of information that is available, and the more I read it feels totally in line with what I have in mind for myself into the future. So I am starting to write a different "fuzzy" goal, form a "fuzzy" plan, and start step-by-step action as coordinated as I can get.
When will you retire? I don't know, there are many factors that go into it. I need to plan that effectively. Financial Independence is the first step. Then I will decide.
What will you do when you retire? Oh! I have a hobby-rich temperament, I will have no dearth of things to do. I know that for sure.
Will you travel? Maybe. (Most probably I will meditate a whole lot more than what I can afford today. And increase my hospice-related effort.)
Will you still be working in your field? Probably, because I love my clients very much, and helping them makes me happy.
I look at FIRE as more of a way to have full freedom and access to my time. Having been through couple life-threatening accidents, some very serious health issues and surgeries, and having watched the death process first hand few times, I now know experientialy that there is limited time. I need to focus on Making Time, that is, freeing up my time from most useless distractions. And in that process, making space for whatever wholesome qualities wants to bloom in my heart. Financial independence for me is like the water in the vase, it is life sustaining for the flowers for the period of their beautiful existence and I need to keep it fresh and enough. Flowers don't last forever, and I will not as well. And when this flower fades out of existence, I wish that the dead leaves, blooms and water go into some good compost, so that it can give life to new flowers and help them bloom their own cycle. That is the purpose of this life of mine, my manifesto!
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| Flowers in my Living Room, March 2019 |
My energy and drive served me well. I have survived a very painful abused childhood, I now live in a very developed country, own my home and all the luxuries that this lifestyle has to offer, I have invested 20+ years in a career and advanced rapidly. I fondly recollect the joy of being 33 and managing $300M program of projects with five teams in four continents with the efficiency of a well practiced orchestra master. I thrived on that. Today I have a engineering and management consulting practice in San Diego, that I have carefully nurtured and grown; we are are in our ninth year. In the last decade, I survived seven years of major crisis one year after the other, each as profound as the other, and so closely situated that I faced a new crisis before I could heal from the previous one. There were major car accidents, death, cancer scares, surgeries, disenchantment with family, divorce, major financial stress, and more. Well, I am still standing! Some days this realization itself fills me with an intense sense of gratitude. And during this last decade, I also found Vipassana, and that finally started bringing a bit of wisdom in my life. It is as if a door within me has opened, and I am slowly and cautiously making my way into myself, learning what lies within, and by doing just that I am learning how the world really works outside, I am learning to live with it and not against it anymore. I'm learning to let the water hold me as I try to swim, and not fight it. It is a new skill, I am not expert at it yet, but getting better everyday.
So what about the flowers?
Yes, flowers are impermanent. And they are a representation of nature, as it is. Beautiful flowers are born, they live their cycle, and then pass away, when they do they actually stink of melted leaves and faded blooms. I am getting used to that experiential truth, in my meditation practice on the cushion, and as it overflows into my day to day life. I am not seeking permanence anymore. I am learning to accept that flow of life as it arrives every moment, allowing it rather than blocking it or trying to channel it by force. I have more or less discarded will-power, and started to follow the lead of wisdom-power.
All this is good and nice, may even sound koo-koo to some. I sometimes feel the same! But then when I really watch the change that has come in my life and subtle benefits of peace, clarity, and fearlessness, I am amazed. These benefits are to be experienced deep within. One cannot see another and measure from outside. It is all internal. And I am so very grateful that I have a practice, I go to that mental gym and workout everyday, my mind gradually purifying, getting stronger, and the tendrils of true courage sprouting.
So what about the finances?
In the "traditional world" as I call it, where we live our life with a script, either handed to us by society or by our own fears, we live by goals. Boy, did I do those yearly goal setting exercises every year of my adulthood. In fact, in my drive to excel, I'd measure progress every month, sometimes every week. There was a time in 2003 - 2007 when I had read every self-help or career/ life book available. You name it, and I have read it. Not only read it, I have applied it in my life. See, I used to think that was true life wisdom, and it was outside of me in words, and I needed to read, intellectualize, and then put habits in place to actualize. They worked, to a large extent, but was not complete. Because it was someone else's wisdom, not arising from within.
Now, with my practice, I have learned to see my fears and anxieties, raw and palpating, as they arise. I have learned to sit with them, raw and palpating, without taking any other "out", be it an intoxicant, or a pill, or a flight of fancy in hope-land, or an emotional crutch in another being. It is HARD, I tell you. But since 2014, this has been the sole focus of my existence, to learn how to surf these internal waves. By no means I am an expert surfer, but these days I can stand on the waves longer than being drawn under it gasping for air, or being battered unconscious by my own surfboard. During these last five years, I have realized that financial independence is one of the key foundation stones I need to secure for a balanced life moving forward.
There is a strong FIRE movement afoot. It is still counterculture to some extent, and it intrigues me. I have been talking about retirement to my friends for a few years, but I really mean financial independence. It is what one prominent blogger calls having F-you Money, I like that. I am gradually reading through the huge body of information that is available, and the more I read it feels totally in line with what I have in mind for myself into the future. So I am starting to write a different "fuzzy" goal, form a "fuzzy" plan, and start step-by-step action as coordinated as I can get.
When will you retire? I don't know, there are many factors that go into it. I need to plan that effectively. Financial Independence is the first step. Then I will decide.
What will you do when you retire? Oh! I have a hobby-rich temperament, I will have no dearth of things to do. I know that for sure.
Will you travel? Maybe. (Most probably I will meditate a whole lot more than what I can afford today. And increase my hospice-related effort.)
Will you still be working in your field? Probably, because I love my clients very much, and helping them makes me happy.
I look at FIRE as more of a way to have full freedom and access to my time. Having been through couple life-threatening accidents, some very serious health issues and surgeries, and having watched the death process first hand few times, I now know experientialy that there is limited time. I need to focus on Making Time, that is, freeing up my time from most useless distractions. And in that process, making space for whatever wholesome qualities wants to bloom in my heart. Financial independence for me is like the water in the vase, it is life sustaining for the flowers for the period of their beautiful existence and I need to keep it fresh and enough. Flowers don't last forever, and I will not as well. And when this flower fades out of existence, I wish that the dead leaves, blooms and water go into some good compost, so that it can give life to new flowers and help them bloom their own cycle. That is the purpose of this life of mine, my manifesto!
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