Today is a big day in US history. The US Supreme Court finally ruled that the Constitution supports same-sex marriage. It took many years to get here and a lot of anguish and tears. It is a sweet victory. I have many gay and lesbian friends and I am very happy for them. Everyone deserves to love and be loved and as we live in a society, this love deserves to be recognized as legitimate, in the eyes of the law and humanity.
As I rejoice with my friends, I also reflect today on relationships and marriage. My relationship and marriage spanning over two decades came to an end last year, and over the last year I have had the opportunity to review this issue from many angles. During the initial days, it was very emotional, but as time went by, I have had some distance from the event to look at it objectively. I am not going to write an essay on what went wrong in my life nor delve in what-if scenarios, for there is no end to that thought process and it does not lead to any satisfactory resolution. I think a better topic would be to write about what I learned from the last 24 years of my life. May be it will be worth something to someone someday.
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| Road to Happiness |
There are two major aspects of a successful relationship - first, careful selection of the mate, and two, development of a partnership.
Selection of a Mate. I now believe that selection of the right person is of utmost importance. Infact I think that it is better to live alone than spend the time with a person who is not appropriate for you. After all, we select a mate with the intent of having a peaceful and lasting relationship, if the selection is not compatible, a lot of energy is spent on trying to 'fix' problems which could otherwise be used on constructive items. No, we should not rush to judge and condemn every new acquaintance as unsuitable right after the first few meetings, instead we should spend time investigating their "true nature". For me, there are two aspects related to attitude and behavior that are very important - whether that person genuinely has compassion, and whether that person is inclined towards improvement.
Culturally and historically, all over the world, to varying degrees, mates are determined based on gender, religion, financial status, race, caste (maybe), political affiliations, family connections, external appearance, education, skill level, etc. I think these criteria are totally irrational. It is not birth or talent, but the wisdom with which one conducts oneself and interest in inner development that is more important. Next, falling in love at first sight sounds and feels very romantic, but I believe that the first impression is usually very deceptive. Some people are very good at polishing their appearance, both physically and emotionally, and are very presentable as professional or cultured people, hence very attractive. Most don't do this intentionally to deceive people, it is their nature, their flair, their personality. Mateship decisions should not be taken based on these short encounters (dates) where both parties are flaunting their feathers. On the other side, we should not misjudge people with pleasant demeanor, most of the time it is their true nature. One must give time for the person to unfold. As time goes by, one should observe and evaluate not only the words but also actions to understand the true nature of the prospective mate. This evaluation should be rational, based on objective observation of behavior under various situations. It is important to find people with developed personalities, people who are free from most fears and insecurities, and not dependent on others for affirmation. One is looking for an equal, not a support stick, nor wanting to be one. So, there has to be a period of constant association, observation, and evaluation until a determination has been made.
Compatibility is the ultimate criterion, and it has to do with syncing of behaviors and attitudes. My lesson learned in life when it comes to compatibility is four fold: we should be similar in altruism; we should have similar level of wisdom about life; we should both have self-discipline; and, we should both have similar interest in spiritual development.
Altruism is important to me. I put a tremendous importance in returning to the world what I have received and with gratitude. So I expect my partner to share the same enthusiasm. I do not mean that we give everything away and become broke and live hand-to-mouth, I mean we share the vision of living equitably. The best simile would be as living like a bee, we gather honey, but we do not hurt the flowers, and when possible we help the plants by pollinating them.
Wisdom to me is not linked to degrees earned or education level or smarts. One can have all the knowledge in the world, but wisdom comes only when one can apply the knowledge with a sensitive understanding of the world, with compassion. For wisdom to develop, along with knowledge, skills, and intellect, one needs to have emotional maturity and rational reasoning aptitude. I feel if my partner and I are not in sync in this aspect, there will be only conflicts in the future.
Self-discipline is high on my agenda. You can say that my difficult childhood may be responsible for my need for discipline, but whatever the cause is, it is important to me. I would like to have a partner who is as interested in discipline as I am. This is like a moral code for me and the skill of discipline is one that I admire a lot. Healthy restraint from cravings, not blindly reacting to unpleasant situations, would be examples of self-discipline. That does not mean we spend our days in analysis paralysis on each decision, I'm looking for that ability to not needing to surf every wave that comes our way.
Spiritual pursuit. And last but not the least, I am at a point in my life that my partner needs to be as interested in spiritual development as I am. No, not religion for I do not care which religion one follows or not, but spiritual progress. By spiritual progress I mean the gradual development of a deep understanding of how the world works and an active interest to learn more to make it even better. It's development of happiness deep within and spreading it around with compassion. It is of utmost importance that we can support each other in our individual spiritual journeys.
Development of partnership. Today we are rejoicing the approval of marriage rights for everyone across our country. Finding a compatible partner is only the first step, marriage, on the other hand, is a partnership. It is true partnership which is based on trust, pleasant communication, self-discipline (yes, I bring it up again!), and right conduct. When the initial euphoria of courtship is over, and one is fortunate enough to find one's compatible mate, there is an equilibrium to be reached that yields mutual satisfaction, peace, happiness, and may be even bliss. But this equilibrium needs hard work, and rules, and are guided by principles of mutual obligation and duties. It does not matter who makes how much money to run the household, or who does what work about the home, the division of labor needs to be in accordance to skills and inclination, and it has to be equitable. Setting parameters of obligations and duties are important, and adherence to them by each individual is also equally important; otherwise conflicts related to rights within a relationship arise and the partnership disintegrates. For me, duty means a selfless commitment to a position in the relationship. I tend to slide into it naturally, but I do see that some people need to mindfully work at it everyday, and they put in the necessary effort. There is no gratitude in duty, though it is very much misinterpreted as such in our culture. Duty is what you do because who you are and what your position entails. For example, I will be there as a guide to my partner on his travails through life, I will look after his well being, care for him when he is sick, nourish him when he needs it. Obligation, on the other hand, has gratitude in it. I will be obliged and be kind and loving to my partner when he performs his duties towards me and our relationship. Kindness, here, is an obligation. But obligation is triggered only when the partner performs the duties. Balance is key. And most partnerships face tribulations because either partner does not perform duties effectively and does not feel obligated to the other. Both are equally important.
Over the last year, while I have been analyzing my 24-year partnership with my ex from various angles, I have also been very fortunate to observe few happy couples with longer stable relationships, and have been discussing the cause-effect scenarios with mentors and therapists. The way I see it, a fruitful partnership can be based on the following principles:
Mutual Respect. We are in this together, as equals. Does not matter who earns how much and who contributes in labor, there has to be genuine respect for each other as individuals. It is not just saying it in words for words are often hollow, the expression of respect comes from deep within, and demonstrated in deeds. I believe that respect comes from a place of love and compassion, and if these are not strong, respect cannot blossom. I know of a loving husband who spent a whole day cleaning up his home before his wife returned home from a long vacation. He said that it is not that he wants to show her a clean house to prove that he has been living a neat life in her absence, it was that he did not want her to start working on the home as soon as she arrived, he wanted her to feel welcomed and at peace the moment she steps in. This may be common for a newly married couple, but when you hear this from a couple married for 35+ years, not including a preceding courtship of seven years, you know that this relationship is a strong one. His thoughts (and actions) came from a place steeped with love and affection, the driver being that his wife not have any inconvenience. This sentiment really touched me.
Kind Words. It is actually very easy to be kind. If you don't have something really honest and nice to say to your partner, please make your peace with it and stay quiet for whatever momentary irritation you have will soon pass. Most often I have seen couples alternately shower each other with gifts and affection and then neglect and harsh words. This yo-yo behavior serves no purpose and only creates confusion. Partners get into this unending cycle of he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not and the few beautiful times spent together gets overshadowed with doubt. Unpleasant words also tend to devalue one partner in the eyes of the other, and over time only increases the distance between people, it never brings them closer.
Faithfulness. I have a very hard time understanding unfaithfulness. To me it signifies that the partnership was not compatible to begin with. I do see that impulsive sexual desire can be a very prominent and is often the most dominant of human desires, but this is the place where one has to mindfully practice self-discipline. Marriage partnership comes with responsibility to be faithful, there is no place for compromise there. I have a very strong opinion about this and detest casual liaisons and even talk about such fantasies. Intentions form first, then comes words, and then action. By the time there is action, there is a lot of hurt and the crack in the relationship is irreparable. Even words are dangerous, even in jest. What purpose do they serve, really? If you have not selected the right partner, this is the time to leave them so that you both can find peace.
Power Play. For an equanimous relationship, there cannot be any power play in a partnership. Marriage is of equals, there is no place for ego development. Marriage is one place where the partners should feel totally comfortable to put their guard down and not worry about being judged. It is a safe zone, of confidence development and security. The key word is co-existence, not domination. Talking of rights and ownership priorities in a relationship again indicates that the mate selection was not compatible. The whole goal of the relationship is to strive for harmony.
Organization. This is an operational issue, and very important one. A partnership needs to be organized. Daily chores to weekly, monthly, and annual activities need to be organized and attributed to each partner based on their skills and inclination. And these need to be dutifully executed with promptness and quality. Interference in each other's scope of work should be minimized until assistance has been requested or some unforeseen event is hampering performance. It is not about what you do, it is about how you do it. Efficient execution of tasks by one partner only increases the value of the partner to the other. Don't we all want to finish everything we have going and cuddle on the sofa to watch a movie?
Family. This is often a matter of conflict in relationships, it definitely was very prominent in mine. Maintaining cordial relationships with each partner's family is a mutual task. Men are usually introverted, and women have a natural inclination for relationship management. Exceptions prove the rule. The key is to be vigilant of the sensitivities in each family and jointly work on balancing the familial needs, while not adversely impacting the partnership. Most couples do a mediocre job here. It takes a lot of tenacity, emotional maturity, and patience to get this balance to work. It is also to be remembered that partnership interests takes precedence over familial issues. This is where empathy and emotional maturity plays a very important role.
Money. One person earning and the other incessantly spending, or destructive habits like alcoholism, gambling, etc., can put a serious strain on a partnership. While some couples like to keep completely separate finances, I have had joint finances for my entire relationship. I am still on the fence on which method is right for I have had issues with irresponsible spending of joint funds. But then, the whole premise of partnership is to join forces and work towards a common goal, so separate finances do not make sense. Maybe I will come to a conclusion over time. One thing, however, I am very clear on is that whatever we earn, we need to divide in four parts; two parts we should be saved/invested for future security; one part should go into charitable donations and taxes (which is national welfare); and we should lead a humble lifestyle in the other one fourth part that is left. I have very simple needs and I expect my partner to also not require an ostentatious lifestyle.
Be Engaged. I believe that each partner should be equally energetic about the development of the relationship and maintenance of the partnership. The goal is a happy and peaceful conjugal life. So, the effort should be equal and with vigor towards that goal. Problems will always arise, it is the nature of the world. The point is to be absolutely clear that the end game is happiness and so all the energy should be towards finding equitable solution. Again, there is no place for ego, only focused on the resolution of conflicts to reach happiness.
Companion and Guide. In our modern culture, it is imperative that we treat each other as a companion and guide. Each partner should be mindful at all times about their behavior and attitude, whether the solutions offered have a win-win effect. Life is so difficult alone. When you have a companion and guide who you can trust and depend on, most of the hurdles can be crossed easily. As a companion and guide, you do not inflate or deflate issues, you present them as is with rational analysis to your partner. And the partner receives the information with gratitude.
Revel in the Beauty. Last but not the least, there is an essential place in a fruitful relationship where partners acknowledge, appreciate, and even revel in the other person's beauty - not only physical, but in the deep inner person that he/she is. And together, they admire the beautiful world we live in where after each night there is always a sunrise, where rocks are eroded everyday by soft water, where young green tendrils of life breaks through concrete, where there is beauty in how she smiles in spite of the wrinkles, where there is a skip in heartbeat when his eyes sparkle... where there is romance.
This note is a shout out to a good friend who prompted me to write this blog. He's an improviser, one of the best I have seen thus far, so he knows - in improv we totally and completely give ourselves to the partner, and as the partnership evolves, so does the material. There is no script, we are on our toes all the time and embracing every situation and challenge our partner presents us with. It's a play between equals, always. And if the right partner is on stage with you, there is
duende!
