Life as we know it....

Recently I came across this picture while surfing the net while looking for something totally random.

Pale Blue Dot

This is the picture of our blue planet seen from Voyager I in 1990 some 3.7 billion miles away. When I saw the picture, it was quite a humbling experience for me. We seem to be living our lives on that little dot and in our own egotistical world we think every moment is so important. We strive for power, for money, for love, for adulation, and for so much more. Yet we are so insignificant in the whole scheme of things.....

As I was lost in these thoughts, I came across the words of a great man expressing the same thoughts much more eloquently than I ever can. So, here are his words. May be this picture will touch you the way it touched me.

"But for us, it's different. Look again at that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and in triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of the dot on scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner of the dot. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity – in all this vastness – there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us. It's been said that astronomy is a humbling, and I might add, a character-building experience. To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known." -- Carl Sagan, from "Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space".

Waiting for Renewal

My Ficus plant, and Me

This is the ficus plant on my porch. When I bought it in April last year, it was full of leaves, beautiful green leathery leaves, lush and vibrant. Over the last four months it lost all its leaves. There is some sign of new leaves, little buds, but we have a long way to go.  This plant resembles my state of mind in many ways.

My mother passed away on February 15th, 2012 after a very short fight with cancer of the unknown primary. I can't seem to get over it. May be writing this will provide some relief, may be not. It feels as if there is a big void inside me and the pain is still very raw. I can only imagine how my father is feeling, my mother and he had been together for almost 45 years. I can feel my sister's pain, she was more close to my mother than I was.

This feeling is quite alien to me. I had no idea all this emotion was inside me. I had never been very close to my parents. There was never any hugging, kissing, cuddling, or any kind of physical connection that I can remember, and I have some vivid memories from when I was 3 years old. I grew up quite emotionally distant from my parents and even though I secretly craved for display of affection, since I never got any, I never knew how to react. My relationship with my parents have been very matter-of-fact. I was born and raised to be 'the elder son' of the family. My 'job' was clear from the very first day I was born - I had to grow up, become an engineer, and succeed in life (whatever that means!). So, there was never a need for the 'girly' things in my life, nor any kind of entertainment either.  And I grew up with quite a lot of sadness in my heart, some anger, and a deep sense of loss that I did not get to have the childhood my friends enjoyed. The first 30 years of my life were spent with that sadness, anger, and sense of loss. Then over the ensuing years, I actually grew up, realized that if I live in the past it does not do me any good. I realized that I had tied myself up with chains. And over the last two years, I was able to cut off all the chains of the past. I have become somewhat free to reach inside and figure out who I am. I peeled off the the layers that defined me - a daughter (son), a sister, a wife - and I started on the path of self discovery. It has been a productive journey.

My parents visited us during 2010 Christmas and stayed through till early February 2011. That was the first time I actually got to spend time with them without an emotional baggage in my mind. I was somewhat enlightened and also beyond the sense of deprivation and angst that I suffered for 30+ years. It was indeed some good time spent together. Then in September 2011, I went to Kolkata to spend the Pujas with them. I was celebrating Pujas in Kolkata after 14 years. When I landed in Kolkata and Maa was at the gate, I could see that her health was quite deteriorated. I asked her about it and she said that its not been the best but there were no major complaints. We had a great time during the Pujas except for Asthami night when she had a severe stomach pain. Indeed, she was not her usual whirlwind self. But there was no way of knowing that cancer was eating her from the inside.

I cry as I write this. She is dead, but I still feel so helpless. We could do nothing to save her. She just died, right in front of our eyes, one day at a time. I can't forget the moments. The memory is engraved deep in my heart and in my mind. I was with her since 14th December through 19th January and then from 10th February for the last five days. I relive every day I spent with her in my mind and it hurts so much. I can't seem to be able to express it. Like I said, I never knew I was capable of this kind of pain, I was not prepared. It's like there is a parasite eating me up from the inside.

Little things remind me of her. Last night I was making bitter melon curry and I was in tears. She used to make it for me. I can't seem to get myself to cook these days. The very sight of vegetables, and meat, and rice, everything in the kitchen seem to remind me of her. What will I do? I force myself to go through the motions and even try to enjoy it. When I am cooking, I feel this deep pain that I will never be able to again pick up the phone and ask her for recipes of the dishes she used to make for me. All that is lost forever! I can't seem to find her famous cake recipe! It is so painful.

When Freo comes to lick me, he reminds me of how Maa used to cautiously allow Freo to sit close to her. She was a bit afraid of Ozzie, but very much enjoyed the attention.

I went to a one-day Vipassana class last weekend. All I did was cry. I had thought that it will be a sort of catharsis and I will be able to get over this emotional upheaval I am going through. But it did not help. I was crying for more than four of those six hours I spent there. I am so afraid of sitting for meditation right now, afraid that all the deep emotions will surface and overwhelm me. This is so strange. When I was in India during my mother's sickness, this very meditation method used to give me much peace and the strength to face the reality everyday. And now I am afraid of it! I know I cannot hide, but I am at a loss about what I can do.

The memory that is burning me up every day is her labored breathing for the last five days. When I reached Kolkata in February, she was unconscious. She was popped up against the bed, with IV running and with a catheter. Her eyes were closed and she did not acknowledge that I was there. I stayed with her every moment that night, awake by her side, touching her hand from time to time and listening to her breathing - slow and steady. Next morning her urine stopped and we took off the IV. We could not feed her, with no fluids going in and out, her blood was getting toxic by the hour. We tried to get hospice care or even a local doctor to visit us, but no avail. In India there is no hospice. There are very few end-of-life care doctors and they too were not equipped to help us. No hospital would take her. Even if they did, they would put her in ICU and out of our reach. And there was no way they could save her. She hated her 3+ month stay at AMRI and Kothari and we knew that she would have preferred to die in her own home and not alone in the hospital ICU.

They say that hearing is the last sense to go. I hope she heard us till her last moment. For we were all there, her two daughters, her husband, her siblings, her nephews and nieces, Pinky di, her loving family. I sure hoped that somehow she could tell us how she was feeling. In the last four days she developed water in her lungs and had great difficulty breathing for the fluid would clog her nose and mouth. It was excruciating to hear her labored breathing. And I carry that sense of helplessness with me even now. I did not cry then, I was composed, I was in charge, I was strong. I don't know how I did it, but I was very matter-of-fact at that time. It has hit me now, two months after she has gone. Every moment of the day I feel as if I can hear her labored breathing. It haunts me. It chokes me.

She must have suffered so much. She was just 61 and had at least 10-20 years ahead of her to enjoy her retirement. What happened? Why? I can't get my head and heart around this. She was supposed to live to see her grand-daughter's marriage! My grandmother saw her granddaughter's kids! Then why did my mother have to die so young? I know, there are no answers. It's useless to try to find answers too. But my heart does not listen. She must have suffered so much in those last days, she must have been in so much pain. On 14th February, she developed fever and it slowly started climbing. We put paracetamol IV, but the fever was recalcitrant. We watched it climb, 100, 102, 103, 104.... and when it went to 107.8, we knew we had lost her. Her brain was probably fried! She breathed her last few breaths in my sisters arms, surrounded by her loved ones.

That last breath haunts me every moment of the day. Can she come and tell me that she is OK on the other side. I am in so much pain, I feel so helpless, I could not save her. I could not even fight the disease with her. It consumed her in just one month! Over New Years 2012 we learned that the cancer had spread to her right hemur, her lungs, and some lymph nodes. And we could not find the primary, there was no treatment, it was beyond stage 4. We had lost her then. But we did not tell her. We led her to believe that she could get OK. I feel like a liar. I feel as if I had cheated her. I can't seem to be able to forgive myself.

When we took her to meet her oncologist on Jan 6th, she was still full of hope. She wanted to take Xeloda. And she took it for 14 days. I wish she had not. May be we could have had her with us for a few more days? Who knows. Her system was so messed up with 3+ months of useless antibiotics that it was not in a condition to either fight the cancer or the side effects of the chemo drug. I stayed back for the 14 days that she took the drug. We took her to the terrace to enjoy the sun couple days during that time, but it was obvious that her health was declining. I had to leave and get back to my life in the US. So, I left on 19th January.

When I was here, I was calling twice a day to check on her health. And every day I was checking off one symptom of the pre-active phase of dying. I wish I was there, to hold her hand, to say good-bye. But I could not be there. It is a pain that haunts me. I wanted to touch her, to speak to her, to listen to her voice. My parents celebrated their last anniversary on 30th January and I was not there. The sense of loss is intense. Very intense.

When she passed away, I did all the rites, just like a son would have done. After all, she considered me as her son. But I can't forget the moment when I went to the back side of the cremation place and in a tray was her ashes - some burnt bones. They put some of those bones and ashes in couple urns for us. That memory haunts me everyday, I relive it everyday. We took her ashes to Varanasi and gave it to the Ganges. She wanted to visit Varanasi. I hope she is in peace. If only she can tell me that she is, it may ease my mind. I wanted her to be happy. But I don't know. She did not speak to me since January, she will not speak to me again.

I have her pictures here. It hurts to see her. Sometimes there is so much pain in my heart that every breath I take hurts.  It feels like someone is squeezing my heart, very tightly. I returned to San Diego mid March. The first week was in a daze. I did not know where I was. I am grounded now, more so with the regular chores I have to do everyday - laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, work, meetings, etc. I have my episodes, there are days when I find myself crying all day. All I feel like is cuddle up into a small ball and cry. I do not want to talk with anyone or pick up the phone. I feel very lonely and sad. Those days seem like a mountain to go through and it feels that I will never get over it. But then I do. The next morning comes and I seem normal again. I go on with life-as-usual.

Yes, I feel like that ficus on my porch. I was bare, I had lost all my leaves. Now, there are signs of some leaves returning, but it will be a long journey ahead of me. It won't be easy. I know. It's my cross to bear. I have to just get on with it. I am not the first person on this planet who has lost her mother and I will not be the last. I do not expect sympathy, going through this is part of being alive. I will survive this, just like I have survived a lot of other challenges in life. I will someday again become green, have thick leathery leaves and many of them. For now, my ficus plant and me will travel the path to renewal together.

Getting the Point Across

I have been reading Made To Stick lately. Why? Well, I am always interested to find out how to communicate better. I am not very good at it, and there is tremendous room for improvement. So, I am working on it, one step at a time.

The Heath brothers mention in the book a study conducted in 1990 by Dr. Elizabeth Newton with Tapper and Listeners. The Tappers were asked to tap a favorite and common song, like Happy Birthday to You, while the Listeners were supposed to guess it. The Tappers thought that at least 50% of the Listeners should be able to guess the song right. In reality, only 2.5% of the Listeners were able to guess the tune right!

Some would say that this is very obvious! After all, the Tappers had the tune running in their head when they tapped, but the Listeners did not and hence it was a very difficult task for them to guess. The Tappers had the Curse of Knowledge.

We all have that Curse of Knowledge - when we write a proposal for a grant, or when we give a presentation about our work, or when we think that our idea will revolutionize how the world works,.... The question is how should we be able to effectively communicate our ideas to the "Listener" such that they can 'get it' all the time. Very difficult challenge indeed!

Well, when I figure out the secret, I will let you know. The answer is one of the biggest challenges in business and well as in life. After all getting the point across is the what every human being strives for, in personal and professional life.

Beyond Role Models

When I was a kid, my parents always had a role model identified for me. First it was my father's colleague's son, then my computer engineer cousin, and later another colleague's daughter, and so on.  I was regularly measured against them. It was terrible. I always felt inadequate and had low self esteem. Nothing I did seemed good enough. When my parents had one person up there on the pedestal, I looked at the whole package and was not inspired. While these role models were good in one aspect, they were not perfect in all aspects.

Now I am much older and wiser (or at least I hope I am!). Now I think of the role model issue in a whole different way. I still have role models that inspire me but it is not packaged in one single person. Rather, it is an amalgamation of qualities in people that I aspire to emulate, it's a hybrid. I believe that we all have our own misgivings and frailties, and that no one person is perfect in all respects. I would rather emulate the good qualities of a person than strike them down since the whole package is not perfect. So here is the list of qualities my Role Model has:

Available and Accessible.
My role model for this attribute is Sue Murphy, the CEO of Water Corporation, Australia. When I was working in Perth, I learned that Sue was named the CEO of WaterCorp. I was inspired to find a woman leading such a distinguished organization. I went to my desk and and sent her a humble email asking for an appointment, half expecting that I will not get a reply. Within 30 minutes, I had a reply and within a day I had an appointment to see her. We had coffee and talked about our lives and what got us there. After that, during my tenure in Perth, I met with her every couple months. She gave me a lot of advice, about management issues, her lessons learned at work and life, book suggestions, introductions to others in the organization, etc. She did not need me, I needed her. Who was I compared to her? It was her magnanimity that she made time for me. From that day I resolved that no matter what my 'size' is in this world, that is in position, fame, money, status, or anything else that most of us crave for, I want to be accessible to people who need help, advice, or a nudge of confidence from me. Nothing should be more important than being available and accessible to the person in need. Sue is not the only one who helped me along, there have been many benevolent souls that have made a similar impact in my life. So, I will pass it forward, in whatever little way I am able.

Lead by Example
Cindy Miller, VP at RBF Consulting is my hero in this category. I am yet to meet anyone else who can top Cindy's example. I met her when I started working at RBF in 2003 and she was my supervisor. We developed a fantastic rapport and even to this day we remain close friends and confidants. Everything she proposed to her staff, she led by example. She expected dedication, hard work, and high quality and not once could anyone say or show that she herself did not live up to it. If she expected us to put in 100%, she put in 200%. This example left no choice but for us to feel enthused and to emulate her. I was so inspired that I was prepared to do whatever it takes to get the tasks completed. I talk of one such example here. Now, 11 years on, she has not changed a bit. She is still her old self, caring and forthright, leading by example. Even now, when we have lunch or spend an evening together or even just a phone call, I feel her inspiration shining through. It motivates me.

Effective Manager
A shining example of how a manager should be is David Barnetson, Project Director at Black & Veatch. I had the privilege to work with him at W2WA where he was the Operations Manager during a very difficult time at the Alliance. It was fascinating to watch him work, keep his cool no matter what the issue is, and then steer in the right solution. There was never any frustration, nor anxiety, nor  stress. There was efficient planning in everything we did, he expressed his mind and expectations very clearly, and if ever there was an outcome that was different from expectations we worked out a plan to address it. He always gave people a chance along with the benefit of doubt, but when strong action needed to be taken, he just did it. I spent eight months with him and wish I had more time to learn. (I loved his Scottish accent too!)

Expression and Messaging
Neil deGrasse Tyson is a master in communication and I admire him. Every time I hear him speak or read his writings, I love it. He uses simple language and logic to get the point across. Even when he is arguing or setting up a strong opposition, his nuanced but direct method of stating facts and then building up from it seems amazing to me. I aim to be like him someday and be able to clearly communicate my ideas, my thoughts, and my feelings.

Self-directed Humor
I am working on the ability to laugh at myself and my life. I have to admit, I struggle at this, but I am getting better at it. I suppose I am mature enough to figure out that it is important, but not mature enough to be able to let go of my ego and be brave enough to make myself a laughing stock. I have read many books and observed other people doing it, and I am slowing getting the hang of it. I think the best person in this arena was probably Bob Hope. I have not heard and read all his work, but he sure inspires me. So does Woody Allen.

Entrepreneurial Spirit
I am a voracious reader of Fast Company and other such forums that highlight design and development of innovative ideas. I thrive on stories of entrepreneurs innovating to make the world a better place. I feel that by pursuing articles, podcasts, and biographies of entrepreneurs, I have become more open and willing to knowledge and perspectives, no matter where it is coming from and from whom. I am also learning new vocabulary of being optimistic and realistic at the same time.

Tenacity
Rafe Esquith steals the trophy on this attribute. I have read his books and they are a constant source of motivation for me. Since 1984 he has been teaching kids in this run down portion of LA and has been doing it without rest. He reminds me that life is a marathon and we should not try to sprint through it. We should take it slow and endure the journey, there are indeed no short cuts. We should focus on the act and not so much on the results. The results are indeed not in our hands, but we have the present in our own hands free to be molded to our desire. The tenacity to last this long, through troubled times and good times, just hanging in there is a great lesson for me.

Inner Peace
Since I was 11 I have been seeking inner peace. Of course, I did not know that word then, its only very recently that I was able to label my search. I seem to seek two things. One, happiness or the 'more' in life. And two, safety, security, some money in the bank to keep me going till the end of days. I am seeking that middle path where I can lead a practical, competent, skillful, worldly life with every moment infused with the spirit of harmony and peace. My brief sojourn with Vipassana in 2010 showed me that it is possible, now I have a lifetime to practice and make it work. My inspiration here is the Dalai Lama and teachers like him.

Prayers, Miracles, and Death

My mother is in the preactive phase of dying. We see the symptoms of death growing stronger in her by the day. Right now the family is going through a very tough time. It is very hard for us to see her deteriorate everyday in front of our eyes while we stand helpless by her bedside. We have no choice but to accept the reality and prepare ourselves.

There are a few things that bother us about the reactions from friends and relatives. While we understand that everyone is feeling bad for us and want to earnestly express their sympathies, it is at times very difficult for us to face these expressions of sympathy.

Pray to God and God will make everything all right. While I do not believe in God, my parents and sister do. My mother has been an ardent worshiper for her whole life and has done innumerable fasts and pujas. She must have gathered a lot of good graces by now. However, it's not helping her right now. The restlessness and pain she is experiencing is not being assuaged by the good graces she has supposedly gathered over her lifetime. I am not sure her God, if there is one, is helping her too much. So, we would very much appreciate that our friends and relatives stop invoking God in every sentence. If they need their God to understand and make peace with the situation, we earnestly request them to keep their 'prayer-solution' to themselves. If you are praying for her, pray that her last days are peaceful and painless as she rightfully deserves them to be so. 

Never lose Faith, Believe in Miracles. I think my mother is too far gone for a miracle right now. There comes a point when we all can see it and should be bold enough to accept the reality. We have no choice. The talk of faith and miracles is irritating us. Please keep these thoughts to yourself as well. We do not want to hear it and it makes us quite upset. We are trying very hard to come to terms with the reality and prepare ourselves for the inevitable. We understand that you are trying your best to help us, but believe me, it's not helping. Please do not talk to us about faith and miracles right now, it does not soothe us. It will indeed be a miracle if she can move on without pain and restlessness that she is going through right now. If you are praying, please pray for that miracle.

We are worried about your mom. This one is the worst one of all. There is no use worrying about my mother or anything else. Worry is a total waste of energy. What are you achieving by worrying about my mother? It's too late to save my mother. However much we love her and not want to let her go, we will have to accept the reality for what it is. And, if you want to really help, please stand by my father and sister and give them your silent support. They do not need or want pity or words that say 'sorry'. We do not care for them or want them - it adds to our anguish and grief.

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We are not the first family going through this tough time and we will not be the last. During this time, we understand that everyone who loves us wants to help us. The only request we have is that they be sensitive to our feelings. All we need right now is peace and quiet presence from our friends and relatives. Words of pity, prayers, or false hope is no good right now, please help us by keeping them to yourself.

Silent Gestures. When you visit us, please be quiet. Hold our hand, pat our back and don't say anything. Words will not heal our pain, but your touch helps us. We may burst out crying in front of you, but please do not say that 'It will be all right', for you know as well as we do that it will not be all right. If you can hug us, please do so. That's all! That's all that we need and can absorb at this time.

Help with the chores. If you ask me, the best way to help at the moment is to stay at my home for a day or two - not visit for couple hours, but stay overnight or at least an entire day - and help my mother through this very difficult time. It is particularly good if our relatives can do this. Help us care for my mother, feed her, help her to the bathroom, wash and tie her hair, hold her hand while she sleeps. The very simple chores of daily life is very difficult for us right now. My mother seems to be hallucinating and seeing her relatives all the time, so if you can come and stay, it will help her.

Read to her. She can hear very well and she loves it when you read to her. She may fall asleep in the middle of a reading, you will have to wait till she is restless again and then soothe her with reading. She has always loved books and has a great collection of the great writers. Take one out and read to her. Your voice will soothe her, I am sure of it.

I am 8,000+ miles away. All I do is call everyday and listen to the account of her health from my father, my sister, and our very best friend Shalmali Sinha (Pinky Di). Without Pinky Di we could not have borne this. There are people who come to us with words, Pinky Di is here with us with her deeds. Pinky Di is always present by our side and is helping us tremendously in every aspect - usually more than 12 hours a day. She feeds my mother, dresses her, talks to her, soothes her... The list goes on and on. We will be forever indebted to her. Her selflessness shines through in everything she does and we feel so blessed that she is there for us. We can never repay her generosity, she is helping my mother more than what my father, my sister, and me combined could have accomplished. What can we say - she is our hero, we wish her happiness and peace for the lifetime and beyond. Thank you, Pinky Di! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Goodbye, Mom

Today, on January 27th, 2012, as I had expected, the doctors told our family that my mother is not in a state to take chemotherapy anymore. Prognosis is bad - two to three months, at most. I am in San Diego, over 8,000 miles away and am feeling as helpless as my father and sister back home. There is nothing we can do but watch my mom gradually fade away.

My mom has been sick since October 2011, rather that was the first time we got any inkling about her sickness. I was there with her when she had an episode of severe pain in her abdomen. We had her treated with some antibiotics and gastric medicines at that time. Since then she has had quite a few problems and has been in and out of hospitals from October - December. During these three months, the doctors suspected and were treating her for liver abscess and had not investigated cancer as a possibility until early December. During the month of December, several investigations (scans, biopsy, immunohistochem, etc.) took place culminating in the final diagnosis of Stage IV Cancer of Unknown Primary (CUP / occult primary). The PET scan showed that she has a huge tumor in her liver (about 1/3 of her liver) and several small lesions in both lobes, an impacted lymph node in her abdomen, multiple small lesions in the lungs, some liquid in the lungs, and a small tumor in the bone of her right arm near her elbow. These were all suspected to be secondary tumors metastasized from somewhere else. But no primary tumor could be found and all tests lead to dead ends. With no primary, there was no directed treatment available. Further investigations seemed academic at this point and after three long months in the hospitals and so many tests, there was no point to put her through more tests. She was frail, with massive weight loss and lacked the strength to stand up. She was not in a physical state to take intravenous cocktail of chemotherapy drugs.  So on January 6th, the doctors prescribed Xeloda, an oral chemotherapy drug. We hoped that this drug would give her some quality of life, and may be some quantity as well. Doctors said that there was 30% chance of this drug working for patients like my mother. A cycle is for 21 days, 14 days with medicines (1000 mg, twice a day) followed by seven days off. After three such cycles, we were to scan her and see if the tumor burden had reduced and then plan further treatment. They also cautioned us that prognosis for patients with occult primary was not good, 50% lived past one year.

After the first cycle, her functional health is so deteriorated that we can no longer continue with the medicine. She sleeps all day, and is restless all night. She can hardly get up to go to the bathroom, but she insists that she does. We are so scared that she will fall down and break her bones. She has lost her appetite and does not like to eat at all. When she does, she has to be spoon fed and food drools out of her mouth. It is very sad to watch her diminished to this level. Her stomach is bloated and legs are swollen, and we think she is slowly heading towards liver failure. She suffers from chronic constipation. She has a small boil on her shoulder due to a hot water pack, but she does not seem to sense it at all.  At night, when she is restless, we massage her back, arms, and legs and give her the hot water pack for comfort. She sits upright for an hour, and then lies down for a bit. This cycle goes on all night. Fortunately, she is not in much pain. We do not think her restlessness at night has got to do with pain, it must be something else that is causing it. Even sleeping pills don't seem to comfort her at night. However, she sleeps all day and is in a daze. She has lost cognition for the most part of the day. On a good day she is in a state to react with the world for about 30 minutes to an hour at most. Usually the things she talks about do not make sense anymore, she is disconnected from reality. Her temper flares up from time to time and she does not want to deal with my dad or my sister anymore. They feel hurt. She only talks to her siblings and a few other family friends who visit her.

My sister and my father are miserable. My sister's sister-in-law is getting married in a month's time and her family is going through the motions of preparing for the wedding. While my sister participates in all the festivities, there is a heaviness in her heart. She feels guilty not being able to be totally engrossed with the wedding as is expected of her. It's very hard for her. Her little six year old daughter has many questions of her own - When will Diya get well again and escort me home from school? How does one explain death to a little child? My father has his own battles to fight. For the longest time he was in denial  but now it is slowly sinking in and it is very painful for him. He is going through the five stages of grief. He is also scared of the prospect of being all alone for the rest of his life. My mom had been his support and safety net for 40 years, he can't imagine life without her. He told me last night that he hates it when people come up to him and say that they are sorry and that mother is too young to die. He wishes the world to stop talking - Can't they just be quiet?! May be they should just hold his hand or give him a hug. January 30th is their wedding anniversary, it will be very difficult for him.

I spent five weeks in India since mid December, running pillar to post trying my best to secure the best medical care I could find for her, getting the home organized and equipped for mother's long illness, and also help my father sort out the finances. I returned to San Diego last weekend as I had to take care of my business and affairs here. It has been a tumultuous time for me, and I have no idea what the future will look like. When will I get the fateful phone call and have to catch the next flight back? I may never see her again. And the brief conversations on the phone with her these days do not make any sense since she has lost her comprehension of the world.

What do I regret? I have two.

We were not able to save her. She is just 60 years old, its not her time. If this was 20 - 25 years later, I could have better borne this situation. It's too hard to see her reduced to this state. For those who have seen my mother know where I got my active genes. She can't sit still for a moment, always doing something or the other. She never complained of any major sickness all her life and had been in fact blessed with a relatively sickness-free life. Last January, when she was visiting us here in San Diego, she taught a Soma's Kitchen Cooking Class with me. She is the best cook out there and I hope I got some of her cooking genes. On a trip to Joshua Tree National Park last January, she climbed up the rocks like a little monkey! That was my mom, always up for an adventure. Lat year during this very weekend, my parents and I were touring San Francisco! All the rigorous treatment regimes since October has taken a toll on her body, she can barely sit up and has left her incapable of absorbing any drugs. What can we do? I can't get rid of that helpless sinking feeling in my heart that I was not able to save her. But then, I look around the world, with all the bomb blasts, wars, accidents happening and so many people losing their lives. People are losing their loved ones everyday. My grief is as much as theirs, it cannot possibly be more. Those young children in the pediatric oncology wards battling the disease and sometimes losing the battle even before their life has begun. Compared to those kids, my mom had a life, and 60 full years of it. Whether it was good or bad, successful or not, happy or sad, she is the only one who can analyse and answer. We cannot judge her life. She had her own trials, her own challenges, and her own sweet moments to cherish. For us, her family, we feel that she did have a significant life. I have been thinking about life a lot lately. What is a good life? How should we define a full life? What makes it complete? What achievement is good enough so that when one closes one's eyes on the last day on earth, one can say to oneself that they 'made it'?

I was not able to say Goodbye. Yes, even though I was there with her for five weeks, I was not able to say farewell. When her diagnosis got finalized over the New Year, everyone (except me) decided that she should not be told about the gravity of her disease and its terminal nature. The fear was that she will lose the 'will to live' should she 'find out' that there is little hope. All my protests were drowned by comments like "In India, we do not do this, we do not tell people that they are dying. Keep your American ways and ideas to yourself." I did not have the strength to fight them then, but it hurt me very much. If I were to face this situation, I would want to know. I would appreciate having the time to prepare to meet my end and make peace with it.  Last January, I came very close to dying and know what it feels like in those last moments when you think it is 'The End'. I was fortunate to be able to come out unscathed from that accident. So, I do appreciate every moment I have on this planet. And so when I was in India, I ached for the opportunity to put my arms around my mother and cry with her, talk to her about our life together, thank her for all she had done for me, and may be even bring out the few grievances I harbor only to ease them forever. May be she had something to tell me too, I will never know. I never got the chance to talk to her. All I did was give her false hopes that someday she will be all right and will sit under the San Diego sun, watch Ozzie and Freo run around in our backyard. Some of my friends who have lost a parent due to a sudden event have shared with me their anguish for not having the opportunity to say goodbye. I feel for them, I understand. My mother's condition is too far gone now and she has lost comprehension. Even if I try to hold this conversation now, it will not work. I have lost my chance to say goodbye too.

As for Hope, I guess it is always there, even when we feel that we have been beaten to the ground. Life sprouts out from a crack in concrete, the force of life is strong all around us. Many have pointed out to me and still do - Miracles have happened, why not with her? Why lose hope until the last breath? On the other hand, we have to be realistic. Death is as sure to come as the sun will rise tomorrow - for all of us. We can only hold it at bay for a bit and given how my mom looks and feels right now, I don't think the chance for a miracle is too high. No, I am not a pessimist, I do not want my mother to die. I am a realist, and I accept the situation for what it is. Also, someone in the family has to be the strong one and that has to be me. It is expected of me.

Maa has been a good soul. She has innumerable friends and well wishers. She has always been there for her friends in good times and bad, and no one seems to bear ill-will towards her. The stream of visitors coming to see her everyday was heartwarming for me. I can feel the love and compassion flowing through the house and it felt great to see my mom loved so much. My friends around the world are also wishing and praying for my mother. May be all this metta will bring about some relief to her. Add to that the fact that my mom has been a very religious lady, there is not one festival when she did not fast and offer her sincere prayers. I think there is not one god out there who did not get his/her due from mom. I do not believe in god, but if there is someone and my mom's reverence was strong enough, I hope her god will grant her some peace.

Goodbye, Mom!

Currents of Change

The economy has us quite frustrated. It does not seem to get better in the leaps and bounds we expect it to. Since 2000 we have seen many ups and downs in the stock market, but I do not think that is what is causing this economy to stay messed up. It's a problem of expectations.

K through 70. In the 70s and 80s, when people used to get jobs, it implied that the job was a contract for life or at least for a long period of time. You showed up at work everyday, put in your time, and in return you enjoyed the the promise of steady employment with retirement benefits. Since the mid 90s, slowly this security got eroded. Employers could not guarantee job security and people were reluctant to accept this reality. Over the last 20 years, people have come to expect that they will move several jobs in their lifetime. The average tenure at a job in 2010 was 4.4 years, which means that a person may have 8 - 11 job changes in their lifetime! Job changes are no longer the tough part, now we face the next challenge - we need to keep retooling ourselves to stay competitive. The current workforce does not like this reality but will have to accept it. It's do or die, you cannot complain / whine yourself out of it. You have to go back to school and update your skills. K through 12 used to work 20+ years ago, not anymore. In fact, K through 12 and 4/6 years of college will not work either. The new reality is that it's K through 70 - you have to constantly keep updating your skills.

Global Opportunities. Yes, it's a global world and technology has made it happen. The world will get flatter by the day and once again, the sooner we accept that fact, the better. It is for our benefit that we wise up. No use trying to create a security net around us and our business to keep out global competition, we are not isolated anymore. Once we accept this reality, we can take charge. First, we will have to take note of the situation and figure out what we can do to contribute and differentiate. If you are a part of a big organization, you will notice that the leadership structure is no longer the good old pyramid. The organizations have also become quite flat and you have a voice. You have much more information at your disposal to draw your own conclusions and the power to bring about change. Your focus need to shift from 'just being the 9-to-5-plug-n-play employee' to 'this is my contribution to the organization'. You have to be aware of your surroundings and when appropriate seize the opportunity! No, I am not asking you to back-stab others, cheat and rise up the ranks, I am asking you to make yourself valuable to the company with the skills and assets you have. Spend time to understand how the business works and help build the business, in your own way - add value.

Micro Careers and Entrepreneurship. I feel that the environment right now is ripe for micro careers and entrepreneurship. You can make tiny lateral shifts in your career. Add on a skill and make a tiny shift. If you are are a CAD drafter, learn 3-D modeling and move there. Next learn BIM and move on. If your job requires you to stay as a CAD drafter, you will see that your skill level has improved with this additional education. Take on assignments on the side (at home) for 3-D modelling and BIM. Someday you may be able to go on your own and start your own full-fledged business with the new skill, or you may find that your company will change their mind and make you the next BIM manager! Companies are also realizing that the shelf life of their product or service solution is limited. They feel the need to innovate and sometimes cannot figure out how to go about it. It is in the employee's advantage to self train on a new skill and be ready when the company needs it or when the opportunity presents itself just change jobs!

Entitlement Culture. Live within your means. This is also a problem in our current day and age. Seems like we always want to buy the latest gadget and by the time it gets delivered to our door, its already outdated! I think we need to focus on what we actually need and not on the thrills of the moment. Do we really need a palatial home and eight computers for a family of four? What happened to the good old advice of knowing how much you earn, spend less than you make, boost your income if you can, don't try to keep up with the Joneses, have an emergency fund / nest egg, and save up to buy something you really desire instead of just buying with credit? These words of wisdom is not new, but somehow it seems that over the last few decades we have been lulled into taking useless risks that we should not have, and then developed an expectation to be saved! We shout that life is unfair when we have to face the music, but have conveniently forgotten that we were indeed part of the band playing that tune just a few years ago. We reap what we sow - it's a hard lesson, but we have to go through this tough phase and grow up!

It all comes back to setting our expectations to reality. We need to be a Realist and an Optimist. No, the sky is not falling on our heads, we are just going through a phase and this too shall pass. Look at this as a learning opportunity and do not confuse wishing and wanting with pursuing. Take the time to figure out what is worth wishing and wanting in the first place. Dream, for only you have the power and authority to build your dream. You have the power to change the course, do not waste the time looking back. Take charge of your situation, however dismal it may appear at the moment, reset your expectations and build from a solid foundation.

Happiness, the Elusive Friend

Have you ever wondered how so-and-so seems happy and why you do not feel that way that often? When we look at others, it seems like their life is just perfect - their career seems to be working well with increased recognition, they seem to be spending more and having a better lifestyle, their relationships seem to be going well, they seem to be jovial all the time.... Yes, we all have been there; especially when some aspect of our life seems to us not living up to our expectations. 

My realization has been that we need to focus on the definition of happiness that is tailored to our life rather than a perceived notion of what makes others happy. I believe that happiness is derived from three sources - Thrills, Flow / Zone, and Purpose.

Sources of Happiness

Thrills make us Happy. These are intense positive emotions experienced over a short period of time. Examples: a roller coaster ride, shopping for and then discovering a new gadget, driving or riding in a fast car, a good dinner and drink, sex, watching a game.... During these thrill moments, time seems to go in slow motion, you have a moment-by-moment memory. Remember your favorite sportsman playing the winning shot? You probably remember the whole 10 seconds as a 10+ minute slow motion movie, complete with the thoughts going through your head as commentary. And every time you recollect that incident, you  briefly go to your happy place. Yes, this happens to all of us. We also wish that these intense pure raw emotions last forever or that our life gets filled with more and more of these feelings. In reality, this does not happen, and that makes us sad. Many try to recreate these moments by seeking the thrills all the time, some get hurt in the process either physically, or financially, or emotionally. 

Zone / Flow makes us Happy. These are times when the mind is calm and serene and we get lost in the work that we are doing and forget the passage of time. We get so engrossed that we forget hunger, sleep, and thirst. I bet many of you have been in that space too and will fondly recollect the times when you were lost in The Zone or were in The Flow. A great example of this is the Runners High that people experience when training for long-distance marathons. I remember my feelings when I was training very vividly. Another is may be working on a report at work where you stayed up all night without even realizing how the time went by? May be you spent a whole day painting and forgot to eat? I often have these experiences when I work and also when I cook. I have seen my husband having this feeling when he is brewing beer. The task is so satisfying that you are lost in it.  Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has a good body of work on this form of happiness. I recommend you read his books to learn more and try to create more opportunities of Zone/ Flow in your life and for the people surrounding you - at home, at play, and at work. 

Purpose makes us Happy. This is the most difficult one to pin down but this actually is the most gratifying. It is very hard to work out your purpose and takes a lot of introspection and analysis. We often do not have the time to do this or think that the time is not worth spending on finding this purpose. But that feeling of hollowness or emptiness that you often feel in spite of the Thrills and Zone/Flow you experience is because you are not in sync with the purpose. Each one needs to take the journey of finding this purpose by yourself, no one can do this for you. Once you have figured out this purpose, you will see that every aspect of your life will flow out of it and you will no longer have that emptiness deep inside. For me meditation helped me find the purpose. I went on a 10-day meditation retreat where we did not talk for ten days and did not even make eye contact with other people. It settled my mind down and cut the chatter out, and then it was quite clear, like the fog went away. It was a great feeling. Now, my daily task is to keep in sync with that purpose and when I do that, I feel very happy!

We need all three to be Happy. I believe that we need a healthy proportion of all three, Thrills, Zone /Flow and Purpose, to be Happy. When we are kids, Thrills make up most of the pie, and that is how it should be. As we mature, we start to identify the tasks that put us in the Zone / Flow. Once we identify those tasks and do more of it, not only do we improve our skill level in those tasks, they also make us peaceful and serene. As we move on the journey of life, if we start the quest for Purpose and find it, it makes life just worth living. Purpose then is the wind in our sails and we become jubilant!
My lesson in life has been to try and maintain a healthy proportion of all three in my life, absence of either ingredient may actually dent my happiness. My pie now has more Purpose and less Thrills. But all three are indeed present. I am Happy!

What a Wonderful World!

"What a Wonderful World" by Lois Armstrong is playing in my head. And that is really making me think 'It's all right".

Why do I feel so positive? I feel accountability and sustainability is slowly gaining prominence in the general psyche of the population. It's slow, but that's how it should be - slow and steady.

- Yes, we are reaching the 7 Billion mark and the prospect of being able to feed, clothe, provide safe water, sanitation and shelter is a scary thought. Furthermore by 2030 we may be close to 10 Billion.

- Yes, the economy is really bad and with 9%+ unemployment, these are hard times. All the 'developed' nations seem to be in debt crisis, Wall Street is fluctuating every minute taking us on a roller coaster ride of our lifetime.

- Yes, there is still political uncertainty in the Middle East, from Syria to Iraq to Afghanistan. There are wars going on in so many places around the world.

- Yes, there are still natural disasters happening - earthquakes, tsunamis, droughts, and tornadoes. The arctic ice and major glaciers are melting at a rapid rate further intensifying the impact of these natural disasters.

- Yes, there is corruption and fraud. And there are people who are making every effort every day to rob you of your identity, your finances, your livelihood.

- Yes, the list goes of everything that is going wrong or can go wrong.

Then, What is Making Me So Happy?

- When governments around the world are not being able to pull it together, non-profits like Water For People, Gates Foundation, etc. are working to solve the food-water-shelter problem from the grassroots level. They are not blindly throwing money and equipment at it, they are working on social entrepreneurship model, building from the ground up, empowering the masses to device fit-for-purpose local sustainable solutions.

- A huge number of people across the world is asking for accountability in the way we do business. I may not agree with every person in that group about the methods employed in these protests, but I feel that there is a general consensus around the world population that the way we have been running the economy is not sustainable and it has to change. And with that kind of change in people's expectations is good. Governments will hear and so will businesses if they want to survive. This recent story about Amazon is good and I hope it is true.

- Unaided by major external forces, a large chunk of the world is moving towards democracy, especially in the Middle East. The democracy we will find there may not be similar to the definition we have in the US or elsewhere, it will be tailored to their culture and local requirement. The good thing here is that the people have realized that they have the power to bring about change, and they are doing it.

- Natural disasters have happened in the past and will happen in the future. Too bad that the quantity and the intensity seem to have increased. But, look at the rapid response you get these days and from all around the world. With communication so rapid and news spreading so fast in this flat world, people see, they feel, and they react. Emergency relief is happening faster than ever. Is it perfect yet, no I am not saying that. But it is getting better by leaps an bounds. Better mapping leads to better decision making, better portable aid systems are being designed and deployed. There is room for improvement, and we are on track.

- Everyday I hear stories of some fight going on around the world against corruption and fraud. Again, I did not agree with the Anna Hazare method in India, but the underlying cause is commendable. There are still some very tenacious journalists and caring social workers crusading on issues to help build an equitable world. These people are slowly getting traction.

As each day goes by, I sense people starting to ask the hard questions about finite resources, methods of reuse, sustainable business practices, life-cycle costs, etc. I feel that all these changes are happening for the good. There is no quick fix to any problem - every change has to happen slow if you want it to last. It has to happen one step at a time. With 7 billion people taking one step at a time in the same direction, the progress will be amplified.

I am delighted to be able to sense the beginning of this change, I hope that I will live to see a great deal more. And even if my time comes before I see these changes being amplified by resonance, I will still be happy. 

Because ......

I see trees of green........ red roses too
I see 'em bloom..... for me and for you
And I think to myself.... what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue..... clouds of white
Bright blessed days....dark sacred nights
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world.

The colors of a rainbow.....so pretty ..in the sky
Are also on the faces.....of people ..going by
I see friends shaking hands.....sayin'.. how do you do
They're really sayin'......I love you.

I hear babies cry...... I watch them grow
They'll learn much more.....than I'll never know
And I think to myself .....what a wonderful world

What a Wonderful World!

Five Habits That Have Helped Me

In this post, I share a few lessons learned over the years that I think have helped me tremendously. As I mentioned here, I don't claim to be any expert. I am a common person, trying to figure out how the world works and what should be my role.

Learning
Through my childhood years, learning anything beyond the coursework was discouraged. It was because such extra learning may take time, energy, and brain space out of what was needed to absorb in order to get good grades. So, I never developed the habit to read. My husband, on the other hand, is an avid reader and I admire this trait in him. Over the years with him, I have been able to cultivate this habit too. My childhood curiosity, that was stifled in the early years, has started to blossom and in the last five years I have become a sponge for new information. Oh! I love it! I have taken on subjects that I never used to work with earlier. I have read books of all kinds - biographies, self-help books, management books, art, crafts, fiction, cooking, technical, etc. I listen to audio books, so my long car rides are never boring. Thanks to podcasts, there is also a constant stream of audio knowledge. What's the plan forward? I intend to take up a new subject every two to three years and learn it. I have been learning management in the last few years and right now I have picked up accounting. These few years of study will by no means make me an expert, but I know it will enrich me and help me understand the subject matter more than I currently do. Above all, I think it will make me "Open and Willing" to accept new ideas and help me appreciate this beautiful world around me. I have a 'bucket list' of subjects I want pursue: economics, painting, writing, archaeology, music, psychology, photography, zoology, journalism, botany, film making,...... I think with this ongoing list, I will never age - the curiosity will keep me vibrant till the day I die. At least that's my age-defying mantra!

15 minutes-a-day Organizing
This was a hard habit learned. I am usually organized, especially at work. My desk is clean most of the time and I have a system to handle papers and other materials. But scheduling few minutes out of my daily routine and to just focus on this activity everyday has made a big difference in my productivity. When I walk into the office in the morning, cup of coffee in hand, I check my email first and then turn it off -  Yes, I shut down the program. Then I spend the next 15 minutes going through my desk, then other piles on bookcases and tables, even the pen and pencil holders. I assign places where each item needs to go and put them there. No, I do not take action on the item at hand, I just categorize it and make it ready for action. This time is strictly for organizing, not for action. And yes, I have a timer going. The 15 minutes go by fast! Sometimes I spend a little more time, but NEVER less than 15 minutes. I think these 15 minutes are very useful minutes of the day. As you clear clutter and get organized, your world gets sorted - not only in the world right in front of your eyes (your office desk and the room), but also in your subconscious. I find that when I do this activity everyday, it clears out the mind and helps me focus more effectively. It's like a mini-meditation!

Ideas Journal
This started about couple months ago and I am loving the concept. I was chatting with a friend and we were discussing how our heads are full of all these ideas chatter. Every time I meet a person or read an interesting article or see something, my brain makes these 20+ connections to new and old ideas, projects, other people, etc. I used to keep all that in my head and so far it was going all right. But as my universe expands, I am sure I will not be manage all that effectively to produce credible results. So this Ideas Journal is my plan. It's simple - a cute bound notebook. Every time I have a light bulb that goes off in my mind, I write it down in this one book. Does not matter what topic its related to. Every idea starts with a new page. It's the Idea on top, followed by a few bullet points answering the following - Why, What, How, Who, and When. If I don't have all the bullet points answered right away, never mind, it's all right. It will come to me when I am ready. Later, say on a lazy Sunday afternoon, with a glass of my favorite red wine in hand, I sift through the journal. As I read, some ideas stick and I write a bit more about them. I intend to develop these ideas into projects, but I do know that every seed takes it's own time to germinate, so I do not force them. When they are ready, they will pop out and I will act on them. Well, as I said, I just started this exercise, check with me next year and see what worked. I have a feeling that this will be a good thing.

Note Cards
When I was in eighth grade, my English teacher, Mrs. Hariharan, had asked us to start this habit. I remember the instruction very clearly. She took out a small notepad out of her purse and showed it to us. She then read out one or two sentences that she had collected over the years from books she had read. She asked us to form this habit and said that it will pay off in the future. Well, I did not pick up that habit then. Neither did I pick up the habit from another mentor and teacher I had in college. He too carried a small notebook in which he collected tidbits of information for use later. I never saw the point of it then. Well, now I do! May be because I am now older and wiser(?). I buy a set of plain index cards from the local store and keep them handy with a pencil every time I am reading a book, surfing the internet, etc. If some sentence catches my fancy, I write it down. Later I organize them into categories of my choice - I have a few shoe-boxes set aside for these cards. Since I have now written these beautiful thoughts, I find it very easy to recollect later. Say I want to express a thought that's almost at my fingertips but I am having difficulty. Most often than not, I have an index card that inspires me. No, I do not copy from these cards, they are there to help me formulate the words and say what I want to say effectively. Some of these cards are indeed quotes and I use quotes generously too. These note cards are my inspiration.

Networking
You are probably going - Duh! We all know you need to network! Well, I did not. The first eight years of my career I hardly met with people outside my career group and when I did meet them, I did not know what to talk, what to say, and used to be a bit bored too. It's great that my husband is in a different field than me and has spent a lot of time in the university, so we did have a good social circle. I loved our friends and we had some great parties that I remember very fondly. But, our group was very homogeneous and lacked diversity of careers - most of our friends were either engineers like me or scientists like him. As a result, I feel our exposure was not as wide as it could be. Over the years this has changed and my circle has broadened tremendously. I feel so enriched by the perspectives from all the different people I have come to know. A lawyer, and accountant, a marketer, a real estate agent, a securities analyst, an IT developer, a social scientist, an economist, a non-profit manager, the list goes on and on. When we gather, the discussions are so much more interesting and views often so different. You get to appreciate where each person is coming from and what process frames their position. So what I have done very deliberately for the last couple years is to seek out networking events that are way outside my knowledge base. I routinely attend events hosted by life tech, clean tech, business groups, IT groups, production engineer groups, etc. I have found that they are very welcoming as well. Of course, this is just the beginning and my universe will only expand from here. Apart from the broadening perspective, the other benefit of this expanding universe is that you now get a big pool of people to tap into for expert knowledge and opinion when you need. It's a great resource!

I would be very interested to know what other habits have helped you. Please drop me a line or two. I am forever open and willing to learn and network!