Happiness, the Elusive Friend

Have you ever wondered how so-and-so seems happy and why you do not feel that way that often? When we look at others, it seems like their life is just perfect - their career seems to be working well with increased recognition, they seem to be spending more and having a better lifestyle, their relationships seem to be going well, they seem to be jovial all the time.... Yes, we all have been there; especially when some aspect of our life seems to us not living up to our expectations. 

My realization has been that we need to focus on the definition of happiness that is tailored to our life rather than a perceived notion of what makes others happy. I believe that happiness is derived from three sources - Thrills, Flow / Zone, and Purpose.

Sources of Happiness

Thrills make us Happy. These are intense positive emotions experienced over a short period of time. Examples: a roller coaster ride, shopping for and then discovering a new gadget, driving or riding in a fast car, a good dinner and drink, sex, watching a game.... During these thrill moments, time seems to go in slow motion, you have a moment-by-moment memory. Remember your favorite sportsman playing the winning shot? You probably remember the whole 10 seconds as a 10+ minute slow motion movie, complete with the thoughts going through your head as commentary. And every time you recollect that incident, you  briefly go to your happy place. Yes, this happens to all of us. We also wish that these intense pure raw emotions last forever or that our life gets filled with more and more of these feelings. In reality, this does not happen, and that makes us sad. Many try to recreate these moments by seeking the thrills all the time, some get hurt in the process either physically, or financially, or emotionally. 

Zone / Flow makes us Happy. These are times when the mind is calm and serene and we get lost in the work that we are doing and forget the passage of time. We get so engrossed that we forget hunger, sleep, and thirst. I bet many of you have been in that space too and will fondly recollect the times when you were lost in The Zone or were in The Flow. A great example of this is the Runners High that people experience when training for long-distance marathons. I remember my feelings when I was training very vividly. Another is may be working on a report at work where you stayed up all night without even realizing how the time went by? May be you spent a whole day painting and forgot to eat? I often have these experiences when I work and also when I cook. I have seen my husband having this feeling when he is brewing beer. The task is so satisfying that you are lost in it.  Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has a good body of work on this form of happiness. I recommend you read his books to learn more and try to create more opportunities of Zone/ Flow in your life and for the people surrounding you - at home, at play, and at work. 

Purpose makes us Happy. This is the most difficult one to pin down but this actually is the most gratifying. It is very hard to work out your purpose and takes a lot of introspection and analysis. We often do not have the time to do this or think that the time is not worth spending on finding this purpose. But that feeling of hollowness or emptiness that you often feel in spite of the Thrills and Zone/Flow you experience is because you are not in sync with the purpose. Each one needs to take the journey of finding this purpose by yourself, no one can do this for you. Once you have figured out this purpose, you will see that every aspect of your life will flow out of it and you will no longer have that emptiness deep inside. For me meditation helped me find the purpose. I went on a 10-day meditation retreat where we did not talk for ten days and did not even make eye contact with other people. It settled my mind down and cut the chatter out, and then it was quite clear, like the fog went away. It was a great feeling. Now, my daily task is to keep in sync with that purpose and when I do that, I feel very happy!

We need all three to be Happy. I believe that we need a healthy proportion of all three, Thrills, Zone /Flow and Purpose, to be Happy. When we are kids, Thrills make up most of the pie, and that is how it should be. As we mature, we start to identify the tasks that put us in the Zone / Flow. Once we identify those tasks and do more of it, not only do we improve our skill level in those tasks, they also make us peaceful and serene. As we move on the journey of life, if we start the quest for Purpose and find it, it makes life just worth living. Purpose then is the wind in our sails and we become jubilant!
My lesson in life has been to try and maintain a healthy proportion of all three in my life, absence of either ingredient may actually dent my happiness. My pie now has more Purpose and less Thrills. But all three are indeed present. I am Happy!