Prayers, Miracles, and Death

My mother is in the preactive phase of dying. We see the symptoms of death growing stronger in her by the day. Right now the family is going through a very tough time. It is very hard for us to see her deteriorate everyday in front of our eyes while we stand helpless by her bedside. We have no choice but to accept the reality and prepare ourselves.

There are a few things that bother us about the reactions from friends and relatives. While we understand that everyone is feeling bad for us and want to earnestly express their sympathies, it is at times very difficult for us to face these expressions of sympathy.

Pray to God and God will make everything all right. While I do not believe in God, my parents and sister do. My mother has been an ardent worshiper for her whole life and has done innumerable fasts and pujas. She must have gathered a lot of good graces by now. However, it's not helping her right now. The restlessness and pain she is experiencing is not being assuaged by the good graces she has supposedly gathered over her lifetime. I am not sure her God, if there is one, is helping her too much. So, we would very much appreciate that our friends and relatives stop invoking God in every sentence. If they need their God to understand and make peace with the situation, we earnestly request them to keep their 'prayer-solution' to themselves. If you are praying for her, pray that her last days are peaceful and painless as she rightfully deserves them to be so. 

Never lose Faith, Believe in Miracles. I think my mother is too far gone for a miracle right now. There comes a point when we all can see it and should be bold enough to accept the reality. We have no choice. The talk of faith and miracles is irritating us. Please keep these thoughts to yourself as well. We do not want to hear it and it makes us quite upset. We are trying very hard to come to terms with the reality and prepare ourselves for the inevitable. We understand that you are trying your best to help us, but believe me, it's not helping. Please do not talk to us about faith and miracles right now, it does not soothe us. It will indeed be a miracle if she can move on without pain and restlessness that she is going through right now. If you are praying, please pray for that miracle.

We are worried about your mom. This one is the worst one of all. There is no use worrying about my mother or anything else. Worry is a total waste of energy. What are you achieving by worrying about my mother? It's too late to save my mother. However much we love her and not want to let her go, we will have to accept the reality for what it is. And, if you want to really help, please stand by my father and sister and give them your silent support. They do not need or want pity or words that say 'sorry'. We do not care for them or want them - it adds to our anguish and grief.

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We are not the first family going through this tough time and we will not be the last. During this time, we understand that everyone who loves us wants to help us. The only request we have is that they be sensitive to our feelings. All we need right now is peace and quiet presence from our friends and relatives. Words of pity, prayers, or false hope is no good right now, please help us by keeping them to yourself.

Silent Gestures. When you visit us, please be quiet. Hold our hand, pat our back and don't say anything. Words will not heal our pain, but your touch helps us. We may burst out crying in front of you, but please do not say that 'It will be all right', for you know as well as we do that it will not be all right. If you can hug us, please do so. That's all! That's all that we need and can absorb at this time.

Help with the chores. If you ask me, the best way to help at the moment is to stay at my home for a day or two - not visit for couple hours, but stay overnight or at least an entire day - and help my mother through this very difficult time. It is particularly good if our relatives can do this. Help us care for my mother, feed her, help her to the bathroom, wash and tie her hair, hold her hand while she sleeps. The very simple chores of daily life is very difficult for us right now. My mother seems to be hallucinating and seeing her relatives all the time, so if you can come and stay, it will help her.

Read to her. She can hear very well and she loves it when you read to her. She may fall asleep in the middle of a reading, you will have to wait till she is restless again and then soothe her with reading. She has always loved books and has a great collection of the great writers. Take one out and read to her. Your voice will soothe her, I am sure of it.

I am 8,000+ miles away. All I do is call everyday and listen to the account of her health from my father, my sister, and our very best friend Shalmali Sinha (Pinky Di). Without Pinky Di we could not have borne this. There are people who come to us with words, Pinky Di is here with us with her deeds. Pinky Di is always present by our side and is helping us tremendously in every aspect - usually more than 12 hours a day. She feeds my mother, dresses her, talks to her, soothes her... The list goes on and on. We will be forever indebted to her. Her selflessness shines through in everything she does and we feel so blessed that she is there for us. We can never repay her generosity, she is helping my mother more than what my father, my sister, and me combined could have accomplished. What can we say - she is our hero, we wish her happiness and peace for the lifetime and beyond. Thank you, Pinky Di! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.