In my mid thirties and I am only just learning to swim. I try to make it to the gym three days a week to practice. I can flutter my feet well, my arm strokes are good too; but I cannot seem to be able to synchronize my breathing with the feet and arms. I can do half the length of the pool with one breath, and am very proud of that! My biggest challenge is to breathe and last Friday, I was trying to accomplish that with no success. Thoughts of failure were going through my head - Shall I ever learn to swim? What about my dream to snorkel in the great reefs of the world and scuba dive someday? I may be just too old to do this! Wish I had learned this when I was a kid.......
I was at this effort almost for an hour when a friendly swimmer came by and offered some advice. He said "Don't fight the water. Let the water hold you, use it. Think of your favorite symphony and try to glide with its rhythm in your head." I thought, that's odd, but why not give his method a try? What do I have to lose, I can't drown in 4 ft of water. For the last month and half I have proved to myself that I am not drowning that easily. Let's see if his advice can help me float. And lo and behold, I was able to do four full lengths of the pool and synchronize my breathing with the strokes. It was not seamless symphony, but I was able to synchronize. It was a start! It was fantastic! Made my day! I could really do it! Now I have to just practice the lesson to make perfect! Wow!
Over the weekend, I thought about the instruction. This applies so much to life, doesn't it? All the time, we try to fight to get to our goal. I know, I did it a lot and still do at times, both in my professional and personal life. We have a goal identified and the drive within us pushes us to throw in all our might to achieve the goal and try harder and harder. Eventually, we often do succeed, but often we get frustrated and 'drop it'. Or after we do succeed, it does not seem that sweet a victory, we just so exhausted by the trials. It's no different from learning to swim, you know you can do it (so many people can swim, why can't you?), and there is always problems and resistance (the water pushing against you), you have the fear of failure (drowning), and you try too hard and get stressed (fanatically throw your arms and legs about, gulp water).......
The solution is so simple - Don't try to fight the water. Accept it for what it is. Feel it, observe how it touches you, the texture, the softness, the resistance, the buoyancy, how it holds you.... Understand it, and more importantly - Appreciate it, Respect it. Then, think up your favorite symphony. Feel it's rhythm. Align your strokes with the familiar rhythm in your mind. Glide as if your strokes are playing in the orchestra, seamless and in perfect harmony with the water. Work with peace in your heart and mind, no emphatic force required. You will get there - it's the law of nature!
Books that have Helped me
I was going through my library this morning and thought I should list the five books that have influenced me deeply in my personal development. Here they are, in no special order of importance. The impact of all these books on me have been immense and each one has helped me refine my life over the last four years. These are my 'top-shelf' books and I treasure them!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My husband picked this book out for me during a trip to India (in 2008) at a bookstore in Mumbai. I was then going through some problems with my boss. My boss and I had severe differences in opinion and I was very frustrated to see her ruining the project I was responsible for. I desperately needed some guidance to tackle this issue, I just couldn't let a $100 million project go haywire. Debra's book was a lifesaver. I read the book three times in a span of two weeks - the pages were thumbed, I had underlined important passages, and scribbled all over the book. This book reinforced my confidence and influenced me so much that I excerpted parts of this book to write a mini speech, memorized it, and then talked with my boss' boss about my fears and concerns regarding the said project and outlined the steps needed to 'fix the problem'. The result: I was relieved of my stressful position and promoted to a more expansive role in the organization because of my ability to perceive problems and formulate 'fixes'. Furthermore, I got full corporate support to effect changes on not one but twelve projects! What can I say, the book is a 'must have' for all women.
After moving back to the US, I contacted Debra. We email and talk to each other often. Every time I thank her for such a profound book. She is a good friend and perhaps some day I may even work with her to help other women.
This was a fantastic find at Berkelouw Books on Oxford St., Paddington, Sydney. During my mini-vacation trips to the beautiful harbor city in early 2009, hubby used to be at work, and I used to spend hours (sometimes the entire day) at that bookstore perusing through their fantastic collection of new and used books. I found many jewels there and this is definitely one of the precious few. The book goes step by step to define an effectiveness plan, first by getting organized, setting up priorities, and then eliminating time wasters. I had quite a few "Aha moments", but Chapter 5 - New Attitudes for Effectiveness, helped me the most. It got me to recognize Guilt, Worry, Fear of Failure, and Anger as big barriers in my progress and as soon as I was able to recognize them I was able to take charge and eliminate them. Self development is a very gradual process and it takes time. Nothing happens overnight. The first step is to realize that you are sitting in the passenger seat of your life and once you 'get it', then you can slowly plan a method to get onto the driver's seat, map where you want to go, and press on the accelerator!
Another gem found in Australia - I picked this one up for in-flight reading from Cairns airport on the way to Alice Springs in 2008. I was on a 10-day backpacking vacation from Alice Springs to Darwin with two lovely companions. I was not looking for a book like this in particular, but when I came across it at the airport bookstore, I was intrigued, so I bought it. My friends commented - 'Geez, Soma, aren't you on this vacation to run away from work?' I smiled. This book was a great read and a perfect companion for the long 3-day bus ride on Stuart Highway. You don't have to start from the beginning or from the end - start anywhere, any random page, and a core truth will jump at you. There are exactly 100 strategies mentioned, some overlap but all very relevant. At each rule, there is a framed kernel of wisdom that you may want to imprint in your brain permanently. If you can master all these rules, I bet you work life will become a relaxing stroll on the beach. It's a very handy book to keep as a ready reference and open it up every now and then and check yourself for proper behavior and attitude.
This book was a fairly recent find, after I started my business in October last year. I picked this book from the library and at first I did not think too much about it. May be the title put me off - "52 Truths for Winning at Business Without Losing Your Self". It felt like those flimsy books trying to make you feel good, e.g. "10 Things You Can Do to Help Save the Earth"! I am not a fan of sweet coating the truth, I believe that hard facts of life are indeed hard and should be presented as such. Anyway, I decided to bring it home and give it a try. Boy! Was I impressed! This book seemed to be top-notch wisdom served to you in bite-sized pieces. I am so thankful that Alan Webber did not decide to write 52 books and put all of his 'lessons learned' in life in one concise book. The best way to get through this book is to read a chapter at a time, then let it seep in for few weeks. Then re-read the chapter. Every time you go back to the chapters, your subconscious mind has had time to ponder and you will feel pleased to be able to grasp the nuances of the wisdom through your own life experiences. It's a masterpiece!
I heard Dr. Taylor's TEDTalk in 2010. What she said resonated very deeply with me at that time. No, I did not have a stroke, but during a Vipassana meditation course early 2010, I was able to successfully suppress the incessant left-brain chatter and experience the nirvana-like feeling stemming from the vibrant right-brain. That experience was somewhat spiritual for me, and being an engineer I was not able to explain the experience through my accumulated knowledge base. Her book explained the science behind it. I loved it! The last two chapters are my favorite where she says "that deep inner peace is just a thought/feeling away". Happiness is a choice, and it's too sad that many do not exercise this choice. If you read this book, you will realize that you have the power to actually determine how your brain perceives emotions and you can control it at your own will. Also, you can train your mind to react differently to external stimulation and that "Enlightenment is not a process of learning, it is a process of unlearning". What the great Yogis and Zen masters have told us for eons is elucidated very clearly in the language of science - through the story of brain cells and their fantastic multidimensional circuitry.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These five books that have influenced me in the last four years. They hold a permanent place on my bookshelf and I keep them close for ready reference. Hope you will find their wisdom helpful as well. Please do send me feedback, and share with me books that have helped you grow. I will appreciate that very much.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 |
| Ambition is Not a Dirty Word by Debra Condren |
After moving back to the US, I contacted Debra. We email and talk to each other often. Every time I thank her for such a profound book. She is a good friend and perhaps some day I may even work with her to help other women.
 |
| Work Smarter Not Harder by Jack Collis |
 |
| The Rules of Work by Richard Templar |
 |
| Rules of Thumb by Alan Webber |
 |
| My Stroke of Insight by Jill Bolte Taylor |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These five books that have influenced me in the last four years. They hold a permanent place on my bookshelf and I keep them close for ready reference. Hope you will find their wisdom helpful as well. Please do send me feedback, and share with me books that have helped you grow. I will appreciate that very much.
"I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."
It's the middle of the year and I am in a reflective kind of mood. It was a very busy six months - with parents visiting, major proposals, some great projects, mini-vacations, new recipes, fun time with friends and the joy of meeting really old friends after eons....
So all this got me thinking - why not write a note every six months and chronicle how I have grown - psychologically (after all that's the real thing!). So today I set the baseline with a little history.
My childhood and early adulthood was sort of a dark place, not too many happy memories but am glad I survived it to see this day. Whatever it was is gone now - the anger, the intense frustration, the severe case of "Why me?" - it's gone. No, I have not forgiven yet, but I have made peace with it - I can move on now. The last four years have been very satisfying and I am so glad that I can reflect and realize myself now. Last January I went to a ten-day meditation retreat where we did not speak for ten long days and meditated for over 11 hours a day. That was a life changing event for me. While I did not have major breakthrough during those ten days, over the ensuing months I realized how profound that mental boot-camp was for me and how it opened doors that I never thought existed or did not have the mental clarity to see. Bolstered by that new-found confidence, last October I left a well- paying, prosperous and defined career path to launch my own company. I also acted on my desire to cook and teach people what I know, hence Soma's Kitchen was born.
Fast forward to 2011. January was very important for me - I nearly died in a major accident - but I didn't! Not a day goes by that I do not think how lucky I was to survive that crash, and that too with no injuries at all. Health has been a bit difficult this year - my old eye problem came back, and my back still bothers me. As a result I am several pounds over where I would like to be. In spite of it all, I am just very happy and lucky to be alive!
So today I jot down what I see in the mirror:
I am a passionate person, mostly about creating something new. I like to dream and pursue that dream to fruition. It gives me tremendous satisfaction to see a job well done. May be this is why I love my business so much and also my cooking experiments.
What I think this moment: "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."
So all this got me thinking - why not write a note every six months and chronicle how I have grown - psychologically (after all that's the real thing!). So today I set the baseline with a little history.
My childhood and early adulthood was sort of a dark place, not too many happy memories but am glad I survived it to see this day. Whatever it was is gone now - the anger, the intense frustration, the severe case of "Why me?" - it's gone. No, I have not forgiven yet, but I have made peace with it - I can move on now. The last four years have been very satisfying and I am so glad that I can reflect and realize myself now. Last January I went to a ten-day meditation retreat where we did not speak for ten long days and meditated for over 11 hours a day. That was a life changing event for me. While I did not have major breakthrough during those ten days, over the ensuing months I realized how profound that mental boot-camp was for me and how it opened doors that I never thought existed or did not have the mental clarity to see. Bolstered by that new-found confidence, last October I left a well- paying, prosperous and defined career path to launch my own company. I also acted on my desire to cook and teach people what I know, hence Soma's Kitchen was born.
Fast forward to 2011. January was very important for me - I nearly died in a major accident - but I didn't! Not a day goes by that I do not think how lucky I was to survive that crash, and that too with no injuries at all. Health has been a bit difficult this year - my old eye problem came back, and my back still bothers me. As a result I am several pounds over where I would like to be. In spite of it all, I am just very happy and lucky to be alive!
So today I jot down what I see in the mirror:
I am a passionate person, mostly about creating something new. I like to dream and pursue that dream to fruition. It gives me tremendous satisfaction to see a job well done. May be this is why I love my business so much and also my cooking experiments.
I also like variety in my work. I seem to chase problems and want to always fix them. I am an efficiency Nazi. It's really bad - when I walk into a restaurant, one part of my brain is analyzing how the tables are laid out and how the waiters are walking around and what will be the optimum arrangement!
I suppose I will define myself as free-thinking, risk-taking maverick. I am a fringe player that likes to buck the system when it's too bureaucratic. Again, that's why I am so happy being my own boss, I suppose.
I suppose I will define myself as free-thinking, risk-taking maverick. I am a fringe player that likes to buck the system when it's too bureaucratic. Again, that's why I am so happy being my own boss, I suppose.
I seem to have the entrenched need to impress other people and prove myself. Yes, I admit it. This is not the only thing that drives me, but it is a reason for my drive.
I enjoy being engaged all the time - being busy and excited with a new project or event. I love it! I don't think I get stressed that often anymore - I actually enjoy being in 'the zone' and thrive on that energy. It's my 'high' and I like it!
I also realize that I do not need or want lots of money or luxury. I can actually do without the latest gadget, fast car, fancy clothes, etc. They don't really move me. That does not mean that I will accept a life of a pauper - I just feel very comfortable in the lifestyle I have right now and am not craving any other material want.
I like to travel. I think that's my most coveted wish right now. I value that experience of meeting new people, touching an unknown land, tasting and smelling the new food, listening to the cacophony of unfamiliar sounds. If it was possible, I would take a whole year or two off and go back-packing around the world.
I want to write a book. I am not sure what it will be about - memoir, or a travelogue, or a cookbook, or something in the lines of what lessons I learned in life - may be a mix of all these. Someday....
Where am I heading? Who can say? Life's ephemeral. I have now learned to live in the moment and squeeze as much happiness I can get out of it. I have decided (Yes, I believe that it is a decision, a conscious choice) that I am not going to let negatives affect me. And when I see myself getting bothered, I will just dissociate myself from those entities that make me miserable. I know how lucky I am to be alive, I am not going to waste a minute!
What I think this moment: "I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be."
Why is it so hard?
"Why is it so hard?" "Why don't (someone) see the issue and just do the right thing?"....
Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever tried to convince your friend / family/ coworker/ boss of a better way to do things, of change that can help them and the work / society at large? Only to be faced with a resistance that did not make sense? Have you ever wondered that in spite of all logical reasons and facts, people just don't want to do the right thing or change for the better?
Here are few examples:
Jamie Oliver wants kids in LA schools to have good healthy food. He was blocked.
There is resistance in the form of Not In My Back Yard (NIMBY) for most public projects.
If a friend / colleague behaves inappropriately and you call it out and try to make them understand, it is usually you who gets marginalized?
Climate Change activists and believers are ridiculed and humiliated in TV shows and in the news.
What are we trying to do here? We are trying to bring about CHANGE.
Leading these change efforts we find deeply committed people who believe in their cause, are convinced that they are right, and are prepared to sacrifice their careers if need be. And in most cases, that is what happens. But can it be different?
It's not enough to be convinced that you are right. Because the other side is equally convinced that they are right. If you want to bring about real change, do not try to convince people that they are wrong. This will only change your motive into "it's me or him" and you are most certainly going to lose. And on the way out, you will be labeled a military zealot by the people around you, while you will call yourself a martyr. In any case, you have failed in your mission, that is to bring about the change you believe in and the change that is for the greater good.
If you actually want to bring about the change, do not die for it, try some techniques that will make the math work on your favor. Try these:
It's going to be a LONG journey. Be very clear in the way you think - you are here in this "change mobile" for the long haul. You are not going to look for a quick victory - if you care about the cause that much, you have to be here for the long term and see it through. Mind you, even if you have made progress and won a little victory here and there, you have to prepare yourself as to not rest. In many cases you will find that if you have managed to bring about a change, the battle keeps reappearing form time to time - you have to be there on the sidelines to make sure that the change is permanent. Be very sure that you are ready to embark on this long journey before you jump onto the wagon.
Speak the Language. Learn the other side's point of view. Learn their language and arguments better than they do. You have to have a better point than tit-for-tat. Your arguments must have more "oomph", it cannot just be a "this is the right thing" argument. Think about what extra you have to offer, find it and present it. For example, to be green is to reduce your energy and water footprint. It is the right thing to do, no doubt about that. But it's not always economically feasible in the short term, it always costs more money to be green! Why would people want to do it? Why would companies want to do it? You have to rephrase the point by putting the brackets further out and make an economical argument with a cradle to grave costs, that will then turn the argument around. You have to almost always back up your argument with something more than just the moral cause.
Offer a Solution. This is the most important lesson, I think. It's all about action. It's not good enough to be against something that is bad - you have to be able to offer something that is better. Whether you are trying to convince your boss or a random person on the internet - just pointing out the mistake or the problem in the status quo will not work for them. If all you are offering is nothing instead of what is going on - there will be no change. You have to have a clear action plan written out and offer that to your opponent as an alternative. I find a lot of friends stuck in this problem. While most of them know that the status quo is wrong, sometimes even morally wrong; but they do not have a solution to replace it. All they do is either stand up and shout loudly with people hardly listening and usually writing them off, or, I find them very frustrated and complaining. Well, stand up all right. But first write down the action plan and then do it!
Find allies before you go to war. Often people who want to bring about change are so convinced that they are doing the right thing, they end up working themselves into a corner themselves and also find themselves all alone. To really bring about change you have to cut across the boundaries and form alliances. Bring along the risk-adverse crowd, convince them that your solution meets their criteria, especially of economics. For example, if you walk through a random village in Africa, you will find many examples of of aid projects that have failed. Why? The intent was good, the project no doubt was resourced well, then why did it fail? In most of those projects, the people did not feel that they 'owned' them. These aid projects were often either seen as 'handouts' or 'hidden agenda' since most aid projects were done as one-off, quick in-n-out fixes by agents from another culture. They did not have the buy-in required from people on the ground, the real beneficiaries. Some aid agencies have figured this problem out now and are working with a new model on the ground - building allies before action. It is a slow process and it takes you the first point above - you have to be patient yet with a dogged determination.
No one said that this is going to be easy! If you really care for your cause, all the four points mentioned above will not be too difficult to implement. Just do not get into the rut of complaint or outrage - that kind of behavior does not help anyone - only ruins the cause you so care about.
Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever tried to convince your friend / family/ coworker/ boss of a better way to do things, of change that can help them and the work / society at large? Only to be faced with a resistance that did not make sense? Have you ever wondered that in spite of all logical reasons and facts, people just don't want to do the right thing or change for the better?
Here are few examples:
Jamie Oliver wants kids in LA schools to have good healthy food. He was blocked.
There is resistance in the form of Not In My Back Yard (NIMBY) for most public projects.
If a friend / colleague behaves inappropriately and you call it out and try to make them understand, it is usually you who gets marginalized?
Climate Change activists and believers are ridiculed and humiliated in TV shows and in the news.
What are we trying to do here? We are trying to bring about CHANGE.
Leading these change efforts we find deeply committed people who believe in their cause, are convinced that they are right, and are prepared to sacrifice their careers if need be. And in most cases, that is what happens. But can it be different?
It's not enough to be convinced that you are right. Because the other side is equally convinced that they are right. If you want to bring about real change, do not try to convince people that they are wrong. This will only change your motive into "it's me or him" and you are most certainly going to lose. And on the way out, you will be labeled a military zealot by the people around you, while you will call yourself a martyr. In any case, you have failed in your mission, that is to bring about the change you believe in and the change that is for the greater good.
If you actually want to bring about the change, do not die for it, try some techniques that will make the math work on your favor. Try these:
It's going to be a LONG journey. Be very clear in the way you think - you are here in this "change mobile" for the long haul. You are not going to look for a quick victory - if you care about the cause that much, you have to be here for the long term and see it through. Mind you, even if you have made progress and won a little victory here and there, you have to prepare yourself as to not rest. In many cases you will find that if you have managed to bring about a change, the battle keeps reappearing form time to time - you have to be there on the sidelines to make sure that the change is permanent. Be very sure that you are ready to embark on this long journey before you jump onto the wagon.
Speak the Language. Learn the other side's point of view. Learn their language and arguments better than they do. You have to have a better point than tit-for-tat. Your arguments must have more "oomph", it cannot just be a "this is the right thing" argument. Think about what extra you have to offer, find it and present it. For example, to be green is to reduce your energy and water footprint. It is the right thing to do, no doubt about that. But it's not always economically feasible in the short term, it always costs more money to be green! Why would people want to do it? Why would companies want to do it? You have to rephrase the point by putting the brackets further out and make an economical argument with a cradle to grave costs, that will then turn the argument around. You have to almost always back up your argument with something more than just the moral cause.
Offer a Solution. This is the most important lesson, I think. It's all about action. It's not good enough to be against something that is bad - you have to be able to offer something that is better. Whether you are trying to convince your boss or a random person on the internet - just pointing out the mistake or the problem in the status quo will not work for them. If all you are offering is nothing instead of what is going on - there will be no change. You have to have a clear action plan written out and offer that to your opponent as an alternative. I find a lot of friends stuck in this problem. While most of them know that the status quo is wrong, sometimes even morally wrong; but they do not have a solution to replace it. All they do is either stand up and shout loudly with people hardly listening and usually writing them off, or, I find them very frustrated and complaining. Well, stand up all right. But first write down the action plan and then do it!
Find allies before you go to war. Often people who want to bring about change are so convinced that they are doing the right thing, they end up working themselves into a corner themselves and also find themselves all alone. To really bring about change you have to cut across the boundaries and form alliances. Bring along the risk-adverse crowd, convince them that your solution meets their criteria, especially of economics. For example, if you walk through a random village in Africa, you will find many examples of of aid projects that have failed. Why? The intent was good, the project no doubt was resourced well, then why did it fail? In most of those projects, the people did not feel that they 'owned' them. These aid projects were often either seen as 'handouts' or 'hidden agenda' since most aid projects were done as one-off, quick in-n-out fixes by agents from another culture. They did not have the buy-in required from people on the ground, the real beneficiaries. Some aid agencies have figured this problem out now and are working with a new model on the ground - building allies before action. It is a slow process and it takes you the first point above - you have to be patient yet with a dogged determination.
No one said that this is going to be easy! If you really care for your cause, all the four points mentioned above will not be too difficult to implement. Just do not get into the rut of complaint or outrage - that kind of behavior does not help anyone - only ruins the cause you so care about.
You are the Only Judge
As we go through life, we are always always measuring our progress and success - that's what keeps us motivated in life. Most of the time we measure against other people because we crave for recognition or approval. We define success by what we perceive the society will define as success, and sometimes we take a few wrong steps along the way to get that 'success'.
This poem below beautifully says what the real issue is - it's YOU. All your anxiety will be gone if you can see eye to eye with the man in the glass.
This poem below beautifully says what the real issue is - it's YOU. All your anxiety will be gone if you can see eye to eye with the man in the glass.
THE MAN IN THE GLASS by Dale Wimbrow
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you king for a day
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what THAT man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you a straight-shootin' chum
And call you a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the man in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of life
And get pats on your back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.
Strategies for Improving Professional Life and Workplace
I gave this presentation on Nov 17, 2010 at Orange County Society of Women Engineers Dinner Meeting. This is Part One of the six part series I am developing for improving personal effectiveness.
There are thousands of good books and training programs from which I draw my inspiration and content and I acknowledge them all. Nothing here is 'new', for the wisdom has been there since the ancient times - we are just adapting the wisdom to our modern lifestyle. I encourage you all to use this content and apply it in your personal lives to enrich yourself.
Enjoy the presentation. Five more presentations will follow.
Contact me if you have questions or need personalized assistance. I will be glad to help.
There are thousands of good books and training programs from which I draw my inspiration and content and I acknowledge them all. Nothing here is 'new', for the wisdom has been there since the ancient times - we are just adapting the wisdom to our modern lifestyle. I encourage you all to use this content and apply it in your personal lives to enrich yourself.
Enjoy the presentation. Five more presentations will follow.
Contact me if you have questions or need personalized assistance. I will be glad to help.
Talk in November, see you there…
Dinner Meeting - Wednesday November 17, 2010
Strategies for Improving Professional Life and Workplace
Presented by: Soma Bhadra, P.E.
Professionals find themselves working harder by the day and yet feeling unappreciated, increasingly stressed, and unsatisfied with where they are in life and in their careers. This two-part presentation will start by addressing how to examine, resolve, and overcome work related problems, predicaments, complications, and road blocks. Valuable tips on distinct methods to work smarter and efficiently while maintaining the same level of effort will be examined. Managing emotional relationships and tactics for maneuvering the workplace will be highlighted. Next, tools for employees and their managers to create an engaged and smart workforce will be offered. Managers and mentors will find key lessons on how to keep the workforce enthused and motivated.
TIME: 6:00 p.m. Networking
6:30 p.m. Dinner
7:00 p.m. Presentation
WHERE: RBF Consulting, 14725 Alton Parkway, Irvine, CA 92618-2027
COST: $5 members / students / unemployed
$10 non-members
MENU: Dinner will be catered by: Boneheads Grilled Fish and Piri Piri Chicken
(Please indicate if you are vegetarian when you RSVP)
RSVP: Reply to Trish @ swe-oc-programs@swe.org by Monday November 15th. Food will be ordered according to RSVP count so please RSVP early. Indicate your status when you RSVP (i.e. member, non-member, student…). An RSVP is a financial commitment.
DINNER MEETING HOSTED BY: RBF Consulting
Has anything changed since the 1970s?
Pray tell, how much has changed since the 1970s? I am at times very disheartened by the fact that "PINK" and "BLUE" is more pronounced these days.
The Key to a Fulfilled Life
Life’s greatest fruit – a fulfilled life – is always at the end of the branch. You have to be willing to fall out of the tree to get it.
The key is to have people around you who can catch you if you happen to fall. So grow your network of trusted friends around you as you go taking risks to grab the fruit of life. You will be truly successful (fulfilled) only if these people support you.
Who are these people? They are:
Partner and Family - Family support is crucial and essential. You need to fall in love with your job at hand to be successful. You partner should also indulge in your love affair with your business. The family has got to be tolerant and listen to you when you have ideas to discuss, and then give you the support. What are families for? If they do not give you this support, I don't think they love you enough and you need to either quit your dream or your family.
Mentors - Don't be afraid to ask for help. Surround yourself with mentors - each with a specific knowledge that you do not have. They will teach you, if you are humble enough to want to learn. When mentors invest their energy in you, they want you to succeed, it’s a great sense of accomplishment for them to see you succeed.
Your employees – Hire the best and respect them for their skills. You cannot be master of all trades - but, you can easily pick up the basics from them and then let the experts deal with the specific challenges. Empower each of your employees to make decisions, trust them.
Above all: Be receptive, the real rewards will come to those who keep an open mind to feedback, drive for new opportunities and a far-sighted eye out for obstacles.
Emotional Abuse
Patrix's post got me charged up about this issue. I have lived through emotional abuse as a child and because of my personal experience, I am especially sensitive to this subject and still bear the scars. I do not know if I will ever get over it, I am however making a very conscious effort to do so.
To love and be loved is the very reason of existence for human beings. We are social beings and being isolated and lonely does not work. Children are the most vulnerable lot when it comes to the need for love. When that love is conditional, it is an abuse that is so deep seated that it never cures.
Quoting Andrew Vachss - "Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection."
The parents abuse their power over the child by -
Some abusers are proud to practice emotional abuse. And they justify their psychological brutality by asserting that this practice helps their children to "toughen up" and make them ready for the 'real world'. And when faced with questions many years hence, these parents also justify the abuse by "Look how well you turned out! You are such a successful adult now. It was all because we were so tough on you."
Nothing can be further from the truth. The end does not justify the means - beating children does not produce good citizens.
A common story: Parents love their kid. They want a bright future for the kid. So, with all their might, they hold the kid’s face to the books for twenty years – no fun or friends allowed. In their mind, they are doing this for the kid’s future – he/she will grow up with a sound education and will be able to pursue a respectable career and become “successful”. Very noble intentions, right? But what happens? The kid is lonely, develops no people skills for twenty years, and by the time its time to lift-off into the brilliant career the parents so wished for, the kid has a nervous breakdown. He/she spends time in and out institutions for rest of the life. Parents are upset and depressed – they cannot believe this happened and blame the kid even more for not living up to their expectations.
The effects of emotional abuse:
I am at this difficult last step and am constantly battling on how to release my anger of being wronged, of being deprived of my childhood years. It is very hard and it will probably take me many more years to overcome.
=============================================
Reading suggestion: Check out Andrew Vachss' work on this topic. You can find some good articles here. There is a lot to think about.
To love and be loved is the very reason of existence for human beings. We are social beings and being isolated and lonely does not work. Children are the most vulnerable lot when it comes to the need for love. When that love is conditional, it is an abuse that is so deep seated that it never cures.
Quoting Andrew Vachss - "Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. It may be intentional or subconscious (or both), but it is always a course of conduct, not a single event. It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection."
The parents abuse their power over the child by -
- Bullying and demeaning the child's efforts: "You can never get it right!", "You are so stupid!", "You'll never be a success like XX", "I'm ashamed you're my child", "You have humiliated me in front of my colleagues!"
- Guilt: "Do you have any idea how much we had to do for you, and this is what you show us as your gratitude?", "How can you be so cruel to the parents who brought you to this world, clothed you, fed you, and took care of you!"
- Fear: The child thinks - "I wish I hadn't made father so mad, he would not have hit me this way", "It was my fault, really. I just seem to provoke her somehow."
- Withholding love: Children are made to 'earn' their parent's love by fulfilling futile demands, e.g. being first in 4th grade. (Tell me, really, what effect does that rank have in the kid's lifetime achievement, why torture him/her so much for it?)
- False endearments and excuses: "Dear, don't you know how much we love you? How can a mother/ father not love their child, after all we gave birth to you, it's the law of nature", "We get mad at you only because we love you so much, we are crazy about you."
Some abusers are proud to practice emotional abuse. And they justify their psychological brutality by asserting that this practice helps their children to "toughen up" and make them ready for the 'real world'. And when faced with questions many years hence, these parents also justify the abuse by "Look how well you turned out! You are such a successful adult now. It was all because we were so tough on you."
Nothing can be further from the truth. The end does not justify the means - beating children does not produce good citizens.
A common story: Parents love their kid. They want a bright future for the kid. So, with all their might, they hold the kid’s face to the books for twenty years – no fun or friends allowed. In their mind, they are doing this for the kid’s future – he/she will grow up with a sound education and will be able to pursue a respectable career and become “successful”. Very noble intentions, right? But what happens? The kid is lonely, develops no people skills for twenty years, and by the time its time to lift-off into the brilliant career the parents so wished for, the kid has a nervous breakdown. He/she spends time in and out institutions for rest of the life. Parents are upset and depressed – they cannot believe this happened and blame the kid even more for not living up to their expectations.
The effects of emotional abuse:
- I have seen that most children emotionally abused as a kid suffer from the constant need for approval, be it peers, friends, family, siblings, colleagues, managers, the list goes on.
- These victims cannot seem to draw the line between approval and love, between attention and affection. Growing up they have experienced that love and affection is only conditional. So when they do get approval or the slightest attention, they think they are being loved as well and often set themselves up for disappointment.
- Some later perpetuate the cycle with their own children, just because they do not know any better and are conditioned to thinking one way.
- Some develop a severely damaged self-concept and inability to truly engage and bond with others. For example, I was not able to make friends in school, I never felt I belonged. I always felt different and could not connect. The almost-inevitable failure of relationships reinforces that sense of unworthiness - it's a vicious cycle.
- These victims are never satisfied with their success because of the deep rooted sense of unworthiness instilled by their parents. They are programmed to fail so effectively that a part of their own personality "self-parents" by belittling and humiliating themselves. They always remain hungry.
- Believe in yourself - Tell yourself several times a day that "You are what you are today DESPITE of your childhood, not because of it." Recognize that you have been hurt and that there is nothing you can do about the past. Applaud yourself that you have survived it, no thanks to your abusers, but on your own tenacity.
- Become responsible for your behavior from now on - you and only you have the power over yourself. Dissociate yourself from your abusers, if that is what it takes. You want to make sure that you do not get hurt anymore.
- Accept that you are not responsible for your abuser's behavior. You do not deserve to be abused, no matter what the abuser tries to sell you. Flex your power and let them know that they do not have any control on you. You make the rules and they play by it from now on. If they choose not to, then they loose you for good, and frankly you do not care anymore. They now have to 'earn' your love just like you had to when you were a kid.
- Should you forgive? That is a very tough one. Personally, I am having a very difficult time with this. I think it depends if you can be at peace with yourself after all the painful history. This act of forgiveness is targeted to release yourself from your own anger. Do not confuse this by equating this to an act of forgiveness where you absolve your abusers for their guilt (if they feel any after all these years) of hurting you. They have to battle with their own guilt and it's their penance. You should take no responsibility for their emotional well-being and you are NOT responsible for their rehabilitation.
I am at this difficult last step and am constantly battling on how to release my anger of being wronged, of being deprived of my childhood years. It is very hard and it will probably take me many more years to overcome.
=============================================
Reading suggestion: Check out Andrew Vachss' work on this topic. You can find some good articles here. There is a lot to think about.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)