This last year has been the most challenging time in my entire adult life. My husband and I parted ways, and we ended a 23-year relationship. I had met him when I was 15 and since then I was in that zone where there was no one in the world but him. At 15, I only knew my family - father, mother, sister and relatives, and thereafter it was only him. My whole world revolved around him, it was a very strong bond. So last year when it all came apart, it was hard, very hard. As I look back, I see how strongly he was intertwined in my psyche, woven into the very fabric of my being. Every decision I ever made in life thus far was for us, every thought I ever had was about us. There was never a "me" that was independent. I did not know how that "me" could even exist on its own, for the only identity I had as an adult was with him. The only way I can describe it is the way two trees grow close to each other and over time encapsulate each other. The picture below was taken on a vacation at Frazer Island (QLD, Australia), where we saw several such trees intertwined, conjoined, growing together, connected all through, underground and above.
So last year as the trees were separated, it was not easy. The links were in so many places that every tie you severe, you realize that there was another one. The trunk had to be chopped down, and that was the easy part. Then the roots had to be separated, then all the remnants of branches that were intertwined were removed. It was an excruciatingly slow process, to live through the disintegration of such a long intertwined relationship. Even now, old pictures, a scrap of handwriting, a familiar taste or smell, brings back a deep feeling of loss and emptiness.
But then, what do you do? You survive. The loss of that intertwined tree opens up new airspace and access to sunlight that you never knew existed. You have more water, minerals, and food underground as well. Is that better? Some would say so, and may be it is true. But the tree takes a long time to adjust to this new reality, and this adjustment is at a pace that no one from the outside can prescribe or predict. Is there pain? Yes, lots of it. It feels like there is no end to the pain, no respite, and there is a deep sense of groundlessness. Then, as time goes by, new branches are formed, new birds build nests on those branches, and eventually the tree takes over that extra space. People say I am strong. They say that I have resilience. They commend me for surviving through all these years, and now the loss of my dogs (my ex has custody, it was my choice). But I do not feel any special. I don't see that I have achieved anything remarkable. I still feel the pain, sometimes it scorches my heart so deep that it hurts very much, sometimes for days on end. But there is no other option, you have to grow.
I now have a different take on strength and resilience. I feel, very organically, that there is nothing absolute about pain and how we deal with it. I feel that it is our visceral reaction to attachments, which, in fact, creates pain. A woman may be very attached to her prized diamond necklace and when it gets lost or stolen, may grieve for days or even years. She may take it so bad that she could fade away. We all know such people in real life, that person who is upset and angry on everyone because his new car got scratched in the parking lot. On the other hand, a mother in Sudan may lose her eighth baby to malnutrition and just get up and move to the next camp, just shedding a few tears. It is all about perspective, the lens with which we see. In our moral eye, the attachment to the diamond necklace or new car should have less value than the attachment to a child. Therein, as I understand it now, lies the fallacy of our human condition. It is attachment, no matter what. It makes no difference if it is an animate or inanimate object or a dream. Attachment creates pain. Period.
In our human culture, does not matter Eastern or Western, we have all these grades created that defines how the world view should be along with the definition of happiness. Family first. Don't go for money. Compassion is great. Do for others. Save the world. It's all a journey.... I just see a play of attachments and how addicted we are to them. I see that the reactions (pain) that we experience is actually directly proportional to the attachment. And that it does not matter what the object of attachment is, we are actually attached to the feel-good sensation that we feel with that object of desire. The object of desire does not need to even be in existence, made of solid molecules, it can even be a dream or a wish or a memory or an experience. When the attachment takes hold of our psyche, we roll in it and make everything so poignant, it permeates our life and existence in every pore. I am not very attached to material things, many of my friends will attest to that. But I am attached to people or dreams of relationships that never existed or can never materialize either. It still is attachment, and does not make an iota of difference that the object is not solid. And I am exactly as human as the lady I know who talks only about jewelry and sarees and what "people think." There is no difference at all! And, who am I to pass judgement which attachment is good or bad? Who is the judge here - Society? Friends? Relatives? Family? Everyone is biased, and I am as well.
So, I am not strong. I am just surviving. I am also not a robot, I have emotions. Yes, there are days that I feel that I got the short end of the stick and pity myself for sometime, and then soon realization dawns as I observe my severe addiction to my dreams, expectations, security, and all those thoughts and their related fears. There is nothing absolute. It is always changing. As I am in this rut, this state is also as make-believe as the situation when I was flying sky-high with a perceived sense of happiness. During the 23 years of relationship, a lot of the love and dependency was in my head. I had branded it with a concrete shell, gave it names, adorned it with emotions. It was attachment, the extreme kind. And I let it encapsulate me all around. Parallel to this, I also understand, especially on those good days, that no one is having a smooth ride. No one. Some past life karmas may help some people to iron a few creases in their lives, and we stand from outside and make judgement calls that their life is smooth (and that it is unfair on us). But if we look deeper, we see that those people are also as messed up deep inside as we are. They are also getting addicted, getting attached, getting scared, feeling hurt, grieving, etc., just like all of us. Being miserable is the universal human condition, and it pervades everything and everyone, it does not discriminate.
So where does strength and resilience come in? I just sat through Dr. Ann Masten's MOOC on Resilience in Children. Based on my childhood experiences and then my marriage, a lot of friends, even my therapist, has been commending me on resilience, and so I wanted to find out what does the world really mean by that word. It was a very illuminating course, more so because the research methods and conclusions were very interesting to me. I suppose now I agree that I am resilient, for I demonstrate majority of the traits that they have identified in their thoroughly researched body of work. No matter what is thrown at me, I somehow manage to get up and walk, I survive to tell the story, complete with the battle scars. But when I am going through it, it is not pretty, and before now, I did not even know what each tornado was destroying. Now, on a clear day I can see the attachments for what they really are, I can see clearly the signs of inosculation, I can see other soft tendrils that are starting to encapsulate me. But then fog rolls in, and I lose the clarity. Right now, I just hope and wish that it remains clear most of the time, so that I can prune the attachments away, one at a time. Is that wish an attachment too??
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| Intertwined tree, Frazer Island, Australia 2007 |
But then, what do you do? You survive. The loss of that intertwined tree opens up new airspace and access to sunlight that you never knew existed. You have more water, minerals, and food underground as well. Is that better? Some would say so, and may be it is true. But the tree takes a long time to adjust to this new reality, and this adjustment is at a pace that no one from the outside can prescribe or predict. Is there pain? Yes, lots of it. It feels like there is no end to the pain, no respite, and there is a deep sense of groundlessness. Then, as time goes by, new branches are formed, new birds build nests on those branches, and eventually the tree takes over that extra space. People say I am strong. They say that I have resilience. They commend me for surviving through all these years, and now the loss of my dogs (my ex has custody, it was my choice). But I do not feel any special. I don't see that I have achieved anything remarkable. I still feel the pain, sometimes it scorches my heart so deep that it hurts very much, sometimes for days on end. But there is no other option, you have to grow.
I now have a different take on strength and resilience. I feel, very organically, that there is nothing absolute about pain and how we deal with it. I feel that it is our visceral reaction to attachments, which, in fact, creates pain. A woman may be very attached to her prized diamond necklace and when it gets lost or stolen, may grieve for days or even years. She may take it so bad that she could fade away. We all know such people in real life, that person who is upset and angry on everyone because his new car got scratched in the parking lot. On the other hand, a mother in Sudan may lose her eighth baby to malnutrition and just get up and move to the next camp, just shedding a few tears. It is all about perspective, the lens with which we see. In our moral eye, the attachment to the diamond necklace or new car should have less value than the attachment to a child. Therein, as I understand it now, lies the fallacy of our human condition. It is attachment, no matter what. It makes no difference if it is an animate or inanimate object or a dream. Attachment creates pain. Period.
In our human culture, does not matter Eastern or Western, we have all these grades created that defines how the world view should be along with the definition of happiness. Family first. Don't go for money. Compassion is great. Do for others. Save the world. It's all a journey.... I just see a play of attachments and how addicted we are to them. I see that the reactions (pain) that we experience is actually directly proportional to the attachment. And that it does not matter what the object of attachment is, we are actually attached to the feel-good sensation that we feel with that object of desire. The object of desire does not need to even be in existence, made of solid molecules, it can even be a dream or a wish or a memory or an experience. When the attachment takes hold of our psyche, we roll in it and make everything so poignant, it permeates our life and existence in every pore. I am not very attached to material things, many of my friends will attest to that. But I am attached to people or dreams of relationships that never existed or can never materialize either. It still is attachment, and does not make an iota of difference that the object is not solid. And I am exactly as human as the lady I know who talks only about jewelry and sarees and what "people think." There is no difference at all! And, who am I to pass judgement which attachment is good or bad? Who is the judge here - Society? Friends? Relatives? Family? Everyone is biased, and I am as well.
So, I am not strong. I am just surviving. I am also not a robot, I have emotions. Yes, there are days that I feel that I got the short end of the stick and pity myself for sometime, and then soon realization dawns as I observe my severe addiction to my dreams, expectations, security, and all those thoughts and their related fears. There is nothing absolute. It is always changing. As I am in this rut, this state is also as make-believe as the situation when I was flying sky-high with a perceived sense of happiness. During the 23 years of relationship, a lot of the love and dependency was in my head. I had branded it with a concrete shell, gave it names, adorned it with emotions. It was attachment, the extreme kind. And I let it encapsulate me all around. Parallel to this, I also understand, especially on those good days, that no one is having a smooth ride. No one. Some past life karmas may help some people to iron a few creases in their lives, and we stand from outside and make judgement calls that their life is smooth (and that it is unfair on us). But if we look deeper, we see that those people are also as messed up deep inside as we are. They are also getting addicted, getting attached, getting scared, feeling hurt, grieving, etc., just like all of us. Being miserable is the universal human condition, and it pervades everything and everyone, it does not discriminate.
So where does strength and resilience come in? I just sat through Dr. Ann Masten's MOOC on Resilience in Children. Based on my childhood experiences and then my marriage, a lot of friends, even my therapist, has been commending me on resilience, and so I wanted to find out what does the world really mean by that word. It was a very illuminating course, more so because the research methods and conclusions were very interesting to me. I suppose now I agree that I am resilient, for I demonstrate majority of the traits that they have identified in their thoroughly researched body of work. No matter what is thrown at me, I somehow manage to get up and walk, I survive to tell the story, complete with the battle scars. But when I am going through it, it is not pretty, and before now, I did not even know what each tornado was destroying. Now, on a clear day I can see the attachments for what they really are, I can see clearly the signs of inosculation, I can see other soft tendrils that are starting to encapsulate me. But then fog rolls in, and I lose the clarity. Right now, I just hope and wish that it remains clear most of the time, so that I can prune the attachments away, one at a time. Is that wish an attachment too??
