I started my fifth decade this past week. It was my birthday, the 40th. I am feeling overwhelmed by the online messages, texts, and phone calls; and they are still pouring in. There is so much love coming my way. I had not expected this much affection. It has been truly unbelievable! I feel very lucky right now. Thank you so much!!
No, I had not done anything special. Some people throw big parties, or jump out of airplanes, or go on exotic vacations, etc. Honestly, I didn't really care, it felt like just another day for me. So after a full day (which is like 12 hours these days) of work, I bought some Chinese take-out from my favorite restaurant in the neighborhood, snuggled up with with my babies on the couch, and watched some silly movie on Netflix that I do not even remember now. It was really good. Just another day, well lived. And if there is anyone out there that really has the magic powers to grant wishes, I would wish that the rest of my days go just like this - satisfied and peaceful.
As usual, all this milestone talk puts me in a very reflective mood. Today I feel there is still a lot of learning left to do. And top on that list is developing my ability to accept love. I find it very hard to do. It is a strange thing. On one hand, I crave for love and affection, and have been doing so since I was a little girl. I am a sucker for romantic movies, and poems, and feelings. Love - that sensation of softness in the heart when when you care deeply for another. I see that in the eyes of a father, then he observes his daughter singing in her sweet voice "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". It does not matter if she does not get the words right or the tune, the eyes of the father is moist, there is pure joy in his heart, and nothing else in that moment. That beautiful feeling exists all around us, we just have to learn to connect to it. And this week I have not thought of anything else but that I need to learn to accept love.
Let me give you an example. Couple Sundays back, it was raining in San Diego. I decided to walk to my morning meditation venue, which is two miles away. So armed with an umbrella I started on my way. It was a fantastic walk, the drizzle did not feel cold, the shops were starting to open, smell of coffee all about, the air was clean and clear, the music on my phone played the old Bollywood rain songs. It was fabulous! Now, on reaching the venue, I left my sneakers out on the steps as I entered the meditation room, and an hour later when I got out, they were soaking wet. As I stood there contemplating the sloshy two-mile walk home in them, the mother of the friend whose house we have these gatherings, saw me and started insisting that I wear her shoes. She pulled me inside the house and put four pairs in front of me, and vehemently insisted that I take a pair for good. I felt very embarrassed, and for almost ten long minutes kept saying no. Then, something in me stirred, what would I have done in her place? I would have offered the same without a second thought, wouldn't I? So why am I refusing her kindness and love? I should allow her that satisfaction to have helped someone. By not accepting the gift, I am, in a way, disrespecting her affection! So, I accepted with overwhelming gratitude in my heart. And the walk back home in the rain boots was fabulous too! I felt good, this time being not on the donor side, but on the receiving side, my heart was soft and full of joy, having felt the moment of love.
Why is this such a big deal for me? It is very strange indeed. You see, all my life, for one reason or the other I have been on the forefront, at the edge, always taking charge of a situation, fixing what needs to be fixed, taking care of whatever needed to be taken care of. Not only have I been independent, like being able to tie my shoelaces since I was two years old, I have been mothering and nurturing most people around me - at home, with friends, at work, everywhere. Deep inside I have wanted to be at the receiving end of affection and care, but there was never an opportunity or maybe I never allowed an opportunity to present itself. For example, I can't remember a single time in my 23-year relationship with my ex that he ever opened a door for me. I was so independent (or feminist, or egotist, whatever you call it) that I used to walk straight up to the door, and open it for him!
No, I had not done anything special. Some people throw big parties, or jump out of airplanes, or go on exotic vacations, etc. Honestly, I didn't really care, it felt like just another day for me. So after a full day (which is like 12 hours these days) of work, I bought some Chinese take-out from my favorite restaurant in the neighborhood, snuggled up with with my babies on the couch, and watched some silly movie on Netflix that I do not even remember now. It was really good. Just another day, well lived. And if there is anyone out there that really has the magic powers to grant wishes, I would wish that the rest of my days go just like this - satisfied and peaceful.
As usual, all this milestone talk puts me in a very reflective mood. Today I feel there is still a lot of learning left to do. And top on that list is developing my ability to accept love. I find it very hard to do. It is a strange thing. On one hand, I crave for love and affection, and have been doing so since I was a little girl. I am a sucker for romantic movies, and poems, and feelings. Love - that sensation of softness in the heart when when you care deeply for another. I see that in the eyes of a father, then he observes his daughter singing in her sweet voice "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". It does not matter if she does not get the words right or the tune, the eyes of the father is moist, there is pure joy in his heart, and nothing else in that moment. That beautiful feeling exists all around us, we just have to learn to connect to it. And this week I have not thought of anything else but that I need to learn to accept love.
Let me give you an example. Couple Sundays back, it was raining in San Diego. I decided to walk to my morning meditation venue, which is two miles away. So armed with an umbrella I started on my way. It was a fantastic walk, the drizzle did not feel cold, the shops were starting to open, smell of coffee all about, the air was clean and clear, the music on my phone played the old Bollywood rain songs. It was fabulous! Now, on reaching the venue, I left my sneakers out on the steps as I entered the meditation room, and an hour later when I got out, they were soaking wet. As I stood there contemplating the sloshy two-mile walk home in them, the mother of the friend whose house we have these gatherings, saw me and started insisting that I wear her shoes. She pulled me inside the house and put four pairs in front of me, and vehemently insisted that I take a pair for good. I felt very embarrassed, and for almost ten long minutes kept saying no. Then, something in me stirred, what would I have done in her place? I would have offered the same without a second thought, wouldn't I? So why am I refusing her kindness and love? I should allow her that satisfaction to have helped someone. By not accepting the gift, I am, in a way, disrespecting her affection! So, I accepted with overwhelming gratitude in my heart. And the walk back home in the rain boots was fabulous too! I felt good, this time being not on the donor side, but on the receiving side, my heart was soft and full of joy, having felt the moment of love.
Why is this such a big deal for me? It is very strange indeed. You see, all my life, for one reason or the other I have been on the forefront, at the edge, always taking charge of a situation, fixing what needs to be fixed, taking care of whatever needed to be taken care of. Not only have I been independent, like being able to tie my shoelaces since I was two years old, I have been mothering and nurturing most people around me - at home, with friends, at work, everywhere. Deep inside I have wanted to be at the receiving end of affection and care, but there was never an opportunity or maybe I never allowed an opportunity to present itself. For example, I can't remember a single time in my 23-year relationship with my ex that he ever opened a door for me. I was so independent (or feminist, or egotist, whatever you call it) that I used to walk straight up to the door, and open it for him!
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| The Singing Butler - Jack Vettriano |
The Singing Butler by Jack Vettriano used to be my favorite painting. It was emblematic of my adult life. I was leading the dance of life, and often against the grain of society, and in inclement weather. No matter what, I felt I had to take the charge. In a way because I was impatient and restless, and also because I put so much emphasis on high quality that I had to do it myself to get it right. A part of me did not want to trouble other people for my convenience. And a part of me used to be afraid that there will be no one to do it if I did not get it done. I wanted to make the world most comfortable and cozy for everyone, doing do gave meaning to my life. So, I took charge in every situation and pressed on, and I did very good, usually excelled. But I also felt the burden of being always at the front-lines. I got beat up and tired, I felt that there was no respite. Secretly inside I wished I could just rest, may be someone else will take charge and lead the dance for a change.
The funny thing is that Bansky just did a take on my favorite painting. I love it !! As I cross this milestone of a birthday, I am having an intense "Aha!" moment. Bansky's interpretation is such a true representation of what I feel right now. All that is out there is, and has always been, hazardous waste spilling out of some wreck or another. Even though it needs to be cleaned up, I don't need to lead the charge all the time. I just need to learn to let go! All the traumatic incidents in my life for the last five years have been pointing straight to this fact, I didn't have the eyes to see it. And now, it seems so clear to me. I'm going to put down the heavy shackles of responsibility I have been so foolishly carrying about all these years. I have been burdening myself for no reason, trying to climb this mountain of expectations with no fuel to sustain myself. It was foolish of me, sheer ignorance! Everything is constantly changing around me, I actually have no control, I never had! So today, I accept that I have no control and let myself float like a feather in the air currents and enjoy the feeling of being free for a change, and not try route the wind. With sincerity and compassion in my heart, soft like the feather, I am sure I will not hurt anyone in my floating. There is nothing left to prove, not even to myself!
I have only now started learned how to actually live! Oh, I will keep dancing all right, but today I will dance to this new song in my heart! I am already having fun! Cheers!!
I have only now started learned how to actually live! Oh, I will keep dancing all right, but today I will dance to this new song in my heart! I am already having fun! Cheers!!
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| Bansky's The Singing Butler |
May I be free from ill will
May I be free from cruelty
May I be free from anger
May I keep myself at peace.
May all beings, all those in states of woe
be free from ill will, free from cruelty, free from anger
May they keep themselves at peace.
May all beings be happy
May they all be secure.
May they all see good fortune
May no evil befall them,
May no suffering befall them
May no sorrow befall them.
- This is my only wish.
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