I made him a breakfast platter for dinner!

I went to see my hospice patient last night, we had a bit of a chat and shared some jokes. Then I learned that his sister, his caregiver, will be late from work, and she asked him to make himself a sandwich for dinner. He was a bit bummed. So, I offered to make him dinner. We went to the kitchen, it was very chaotic, for they had just moved into this new apartment and everything was in boxes all around. He wanted eggs, so I made him a breakfast plate for dinner. He was thrilled!! Before I left, he said - "I live alone most of the time, watching TV and having occasional visitors. Today I smiled and laughed this wholeheartedly after a long time. This is fun! We should do this more often!"

Breakfast for Dinner. I used the cutting board as tray. He LOVED it!
So we have a date every Wednesday night from now on. We have planned to go on short walks, put together puzzles, go over old family albums, and talk about everything that does and does not matter in this crazy world of ours. I am looking forward to it very much. I have a new friend!

I write a lot about my meditation practice. Sometimes I feel that I have become a tad bit too vocal about it than is comfortable for many. You see, when one gets a jewel, one wants to share it with everyone, that's how I feel about meditation. But today I will not talk about meditation, I will write about my hospice volunteering work. It has been almost a year and half since I started on this path, and I feel blessed to have met some very beautiful people who brought immense joy to my life.

Last night as I was walking back home from my visit, it was dark, after 7PM. It was cold, some wind and light drizzle, and I did not have an umbrella. But I was as warm and happy as I could be. It was a very intense feeling of joy, as if there was this golden river in me that was overflowing its banks onto the pavement and sidewalk, then onto the world, seeping and spreading outwards. Every passerby I met, I smiled, and they beamed back at me. I took a long detour to Trader Joe's to do some grocery, and the same happened with the clerk there. I was "in the flow". It was as if I fell into the EAC and was just swimming along in the overwhelming joy and peace, effortless. This is very difficult to explain, there was no pain, no tiredness, no anxiety, no worry, no insecurity, no fear, no negativity anywhere within. My whole body and mind seemed to be transported into a field of joy, I was walking the same cold, dark, rainy sidewalk, but there was just light inside. I had seen glimpses of this in my life before, but this time I was there for hours. And today, as I write this, I still feel its essence resonating in me.

This last week has been exhausting at work. Almost all of January I have been fighting this weird fatigue, which had led my work deadlines to slip. I have been feeling bad about it and since last week, I have been working almost 12-16 hour days. I still have four more days to go. The night before last was especially trying, I stayed up all night to finish a proposal. I missed few social and work engagements this week too, but last night I decided that I will not miss this patient visit. Even though I was exhausted to the core, I went. And look at the reward I got!!

As I have said before, I do not do these visits to "help" my patients. I don't think anything I can do will change the inevitable. I look at these visits as the perfect exchange, I sit there and give them company, and they delight my heart. There is no expectations flowing in either direction, and maybe that it why both parties get so much from it. I feel that in any other relationship, be it with family or friends, there is an implied expectation of "gain". Here, there is none, and so it is a pure wholesome beautiful experience.

We are all going to die. Some soon, some will take a long time to wither away. Everyone has his/her own truckload of stories, all the good and the bad that has happened over the years. When one enters hospice care, only the big stones in the glass matter. Those get picked up and looked at. Each of my patients, in their own way, have told me about their lives and what matter to them. Yes, some are regrets, like those Bronnie Ware shared with the world which everyone likes to talk about these days, but there are and have been joys too, we talk about them too. We have talked at length about the dying process, about how to let go and accept that there is no control. One thing we have particularly reflected on is how this exit is so similar to the entry into the world. None of us remember our entry, we were locked in a small cramped watery cage for nine months with no space for movement, and then suddenly released into the air. Like a fish out of water we writhed in shock and fear, and then got used to being taken care of. People cleaned us up when we pooped and peed, they fed us every few hours, they put us to sleep and played with us, they laughed at our gargles and the pointless noises we made, they got irritated when we threw up, and were mesmerized when we said "Dada" for the first time. We do not remember all that. We remember how we became independent of other people, developed pride in doing everything ourselves, and led a very busy and productive life. Now, at the end of that life, we are again going through that entry process, but in reverse. We will have to start depending on other people for our basic needs, recognize that we cannot do everything on our own anymore, and later to have someone feed us, clothe us, clean us up, and so on. There is no shame in it, we have done it before. We have just forgotten. And there is nothing to be scared of either, for there is truly no control over our lives, we were just in an illusion that there is/was. So, the exit process can be easier if we learn to gently let go. And that is what we hospice volunteers are there for, to be that other person who visits, the one who doesn't look at the patient as a person in need of pity or with sadness of lost time. We look at him/her as a person, in transition, like everyone else.

I consider myself VERY lucky to have found a practice which allows me to find new friends, expect nothing, and as a result experience the purest form of joy there is. Whether it is these weekly patient visits or sitting in vigil during the last hours, I am at peace, true and deep soulful happiness. When it flows in my veins, I am having that experience when time stops and everything around me is bathed in love and kindness. My wish is that I get more opportunities to serve like this. I am selfish that way, I want more of this high. It is beautiful beyond these mere words can describe.

6 comments:

  1. Thanks Somadidi, for always filling my heart up to the brim.

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    1. Thank you for stopping by. May your heart overflow with love, peace and kindness too!

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  2. Wow.... My cup runneth over ....

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  3. Life is beautiful. And to find happiness in mundane is the true bliss

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  4. Life is beautiful. And to find happiness in mundane is the true bliss

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