This morning at about 1:06AM my bed shook, pictures rattled. There was a 5.2 earthquake in Borrego Springs, some 90 miles away. It was a shallow quake and the waves took a whole minute to arrive. The rattling came first, then came the rolling waves. We lay in our beds and felt the earth and our world shake and roll. Then we all got on social media and chatted for a while about the quake. It was funny, we southern California residents are used to such shakes, we constantly hear "The Big One" is coming, so each minor quake we go through, we joke about it.
When the quake came, I was sleeping. And in my sleep I dreamed that my Ozzie was just doing his body shake before he got down from the bed to drink water, which he often does in the middle of the night. Ozzie and I share a pillow and read together before sleeping. My other baby, Freo, nestles at my belly. He doesn't move all night, and sleeps in perfect button formation, like a warm pillow for my tummy. Having these two by me at night is a great pleasure. But I don't have that privilege every night. They live with my ex, and when he's out of town, they come to stay with me. I love having them over, and absorb the happiness with my heart's content. Lately, I had them for two long weeks and was just getting used to having them around when they went back. Which is fine! So when the earthquake hit, my first thought was of Ozzie, even before I was awake and realized that it was an earthquake. Then, after it was over, I texted their dad asking how they fared during the "event". So you see I am very attached to them. I have motherly instincts towards them, a very strong bond. Yes, they are dogs and technically they might not qualify for the human motherly affection I bestow on them, and in the eyes of some of my friends and family, I might be going overboard loving them so much. And I often wonder, if I had human kids, would I have felt anything more for them? I don't know. I will never have any, so I will never know. But isn't it all about how much we let our heart to get attached to a thing, or person or, as in this case, couple dogs? I really do not know.
The earthquake did wake me up in the middle of the night, but it did not shake me. I thought about my babies, and then went back to sleep. What shook me this morning was this video (see below), which I watched early morning at work while sipping coffee. I sat there just stunned for a while.
Will I feel like this lady, who held her son's corpse and walked around not accepting that he is dead. Will I mourn like these two brothers? In their case it is very harsh. They were playing, innocently, when the bomb dropped. It was not supposed to happen. But it did. It was sudden and shocking. It is impossible for me to fathom the abrupt change in their life - one moment they were playing and the next moment their brother is wounded and then dies. I am yet to experience the loss of a child. I know very well that my Ozzie and Freo will die. And in all probability, I will be alive then and I will have to hold them in my arms, dying or dead. It will be hard. I have seen few of my friends go through that pain. I will face that too. One day.
But after watching this video, we start thinking, did that little boy have to die? Why? What did he do? Where is justice? The two brothers might just get so shocked by this incident that they might pick up arms and blow themselves up in a few years? Can we blame them then? Where is the end to this? Who is doing this? Why don't we stop?
But you know what, we will not stop. For this violence is not new. Ever since we have walked this planet, we have been killing each other. The vices are not in a particular group, righteous or otherwise, it is in each of us. On one hand, we form a human chain to save a dog from drowning in a canal, and on the other hand we drop a bomb on a little kid. The good and the bad sits right side by side in our heart, and we all are responsible for them to flare up. And we have done both for the eons we have lived and walked on this earth, and will keep doing so. Each generation's actions is a bit different but their quality remains the same. Whether we kill by swords and arrows or by gas and gunpowder, does it make a difference? We have killed before and we will do so again. Today it is Syria and Nigeria, yesterday it was native Americans and Aboriginals, and tomorrow we will find another reason and another group of people to kill.
This particular video reminded me of the stories my mother told me of the Partition of India. When the British left in the late 40s, they split the Indian subcontinent into three pieces and till this day we are suffering the consequences; almost similar to Israel and Palestine. My grandparents had to leave a very prosperous business and family home back in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh). They traveled to India, just as the Syrian refugees are doing today, with not even a box full of clothes. In the fear of young girls being abducted and raped, these people had their daughters packed as goods in trunks as they crossed the borders. At border crossings, there were gangs of mad people who were thirsty for blood and would butcher entire caravans at one go. These killers and the killed spoke the same language, and may have been very happy neighbors once. In peaceful times, they would have joined hands and saved a dog from drowning. But not when anger and revenge took over their brains. They became ruthless killers. Trains came from Pakistan to India with every passenger killed, butchered, the trains bathed in blood. And when trains left India for Pakistan, the relatives of the passengers from the butchered train, would in turn kill the ones that were leaving. This went on and on for weeks and months. Was that any different from what is happening in Israel and Palestine today, or in Iraq, or in Syria, or in Lebanon, Paris, Nigeria, and everywhere else in the world?
I am not pessimistic. I am just trying to see the truth as it is, that this tendency to be violent exists in each of us. And we do not have control on our hearts and mind as much as we think we do. I am only just getting to realize that the only way out of this is self realization. I cannot change the world, all I can do is make sure that best to my ability I do not mess it up any more. Will there be a better future where we do not kill others anymore, I don't know. I really can't say that there will be. I don't even hope for it. There was rape, incest, homicide, prejudice, incarceration, and all such actions - physical and emotional - in the past for millennia, and I don't think it will change. The wrapper will change with every generation and it will evolve into a new form. As long as hated, anger, lust, craving, fear, anxiety, jealousy, etc. exist in the human condition, we will be committing these actions. This is how it is, the brutal reality.
And in the midst of it all, I also have the obnoxiously smelly licks from Freo and Ozzie, the wag of their tails, the excitement in their eyes when they see me, the nudge from their wet noses, and the warmth of their body against mine. I take that in as a brutal reality too. Residing side by side with the vices. Here I have compassion, patience, kindness, wish for others' well being, sympathetic joy with others' successes, caring, etc. It is also an equal part of the human condition as I have come to realize and recognize.
So, I don't hope for anything anymore, or at least practice not to. Much to the agony of several of my friends, I have a note on my refrigerator "ABANDON HOPE", that constantly reminds me of the reality as it is. If there is joy at this moment, it is just so, not good, not bad, just so. And if there is anger in this moment, even righteous anger, it is also just so, not good, not bad, just as it is. They exist side by side in reality. These days I train myself to look at fear and hope in the same vein, both have the same expectation. Fear anticipates a negative outcome in the future, and hope anticipates a positive outcome. Both are not happy with the present. If I have to be at peace, the only way is to abandon both - fear and hope. In our society, we are trained and applauded to be brave, to conquer fear. And we are taught to hope, because we are told that the present is not good enough and something has to be better than this. Why? Why should we live in dissatisfaction? And when that good time comes, one that we are hoping for, it does not last, we spend all that "good" time fearing for the bad time that will soon be upon us. What good is that? This constant pendulum of hope and fear? Since fear and hope are inseparable, I cannot let go of fear and hold on to hope. This is my understanding at the moment. I have had a lot of practice over coming fear, life gave me that opportunity and I am grateful, I am strong and brave, they say. Hence, my practice these days is to abandon hope!!
When the quake came, I was sleeping. And in my sleep I dreamed that my Ozzie was just doing his body shake before he got down from the bed to drink water, which he often does in the middle of the night. Ozzie and I share a pillow and read together before sleeping. My other baby, Freo, nestles at my belly. He doesn't move all night, and sleeps in perfect button formation, like a warm pillow for my tummy. Having these two by me at night is a great pleasure. But I don't have that privilege every night. They live with my ex, and when he's out of town, they come to stay with me. I love having them over, and absorb the happiness with my heart's content. Lately, I had them for two long weeks and was just getting used to having them around when they went back. Which is fine! So when the earthquake hit, my first thought was of Ozzie, even before I was awake and realized that it was an earthquake. Then, after it was over, I texted their dad asking how they fared during the "event". So you see I am very attached to them. I have motherly instincts towards them, a very strong bond. Yes, they are dogs and technically they might not qualify for the human motherly affection I bestow on them, and in the eyes of some of my friends and family, I might be going overboard loving them so much. And I often wonder, if I had human kids, would I have felt anything more for them? I don't know. I will never have any, so I will never know. But isn't it all about how much we let our heart to get attached to a thing, or person or, as in this case, couple dogs? I really do not know.
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| Ozzie and me, at bedtime, reading... |
The earthquake did wake me up in the middle of the night, but it did not shake me. I thought about my babies, and then went back to sleep. What shook me this morning was this video (see below), which I watched early morning at work while sipping coffee. I sat there just stunned for a while.
Will I feel like this lady, who held her son's corpse and walked around not accepting that he is dead. Will I mourn like these two brothers? In their case it is very harsh. They were playing, innocently, when the bomb dropped. It was not supposed to happen. But it did. It was sudden and shocking. It is impossible for me to fathom the abrupt change in their life - one moment they were playing and the next moment their brother is wounded and then dies. I am yet to experience the loss of a child. I know very well that my Ozzie and Freo will die. And in all probability, I will be alive then and I will have to hold them in my arms, dying or dead. It will be hard. I have seen few of my friends go through that pain. I will face that too. One day.
But after watching this video, we start thinking, did that little boy have to die? Why? What did he do? Where is justice? The two brothers might just get so shocked by this incident that they might pick up arms and blow themselves up in a few years? Can we blame them then? Where is the end to this? Who is doing this? Why don't we stop?
But you know what, we will not stop. For this violence is not new. Ever since we have walked this planet, we have been killing each other. The vices are not in a particular group, righteous or otherwise, it is in each of us. On one hand, we form a human chain to save a dog from drowning in a canal, and on the other hand we drop a bomb on a little kid. The good and the bad sits right side by side in our heart, and we all are responsible for them to flare up. And we have done both for the eons we have lived and walked on this earth, and will keep doing so. Each generation's actions is a bit different but their quality remains the same. Whether we kill by swords and arrows or by gas and gunpowder, does it make a difference? We have killed before and we will do so again. Today it is Syria and Nigeria, yesterday it was native Americans and Aboriginals, and tomorrow we will find another reason and another group of people to kill.
This particular video reminded me of the stories my mother told me of the Partition of India. When the British left in the late 40s, they split the Indian subcontinent into three pieces and till this day we are suffering the consequences; almost similar to Israel and Palestine. My grandparents had to leave a very prosperous business and family home back in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh). They traveled to India, just as the Syrian refugees are doing today, with not even a box full of clothes. In the fear of young girls being abducted and raped, these people had their daughters packed as goods in trunks as they crossed the borders. At border crossings, there were gangs of mad people who were thirsty for blood and would butcher entire caravans at one go. These killers and the killed spoke the same language, and may have been very happy neighbors once. In peaceful times, they would have joined hands and saved a dog from drowning. But not when anger and revenge took over their brains. They became ruthless killers. Trains came from Pakistan to India with every passenger killed, butchered, the trains bathed in blood. And when trains left India for Pakistan, the relatives of the passengers from the butchered train, would in turn kill the ones that were leaving. This went on and on for weeks and months. Was that any different from what is happening in Israel and Palestine today, or in Iraq, or in Syria, or in Lebanon, Paris, Nigeria, and everywhere else in the world?
I am not pessimistic. I am just trying to see the truth as it is, that this tendency to be violent exists in each of us. And we do not have control on our hearts and mind as much as we think we do. I am only just getting to realize that the only way out of this is self realization. I cannot change the world, all I can do is make sure that best to my ability I do not mess it up any more. Will there be a better future where we do not kill others anymore, I don't know. I really can't say that there will be. I don't even hope for it. There was rape, incest, homicide, prejudice, incarceration, and all such actions - physical and emotional - in the past for millennia, and I don't think it will change. The wrapper will change with every generation and it will evolve into a new form. As long as hated, anger, lust, craving, fear, anxiety, jealousy, etc. exist in the human condition, we will be committing these actions. This is how it is, the brutal reality.
And in the midst of it all, I also have the obnoxiously smelly licks from Freo and Ozzie, the wag of their tails, the excitement in their eyes when they see me, the nudge from their wet noses, and the warmth of their body against mine. I take that in as a brutal reality too. Residing side by side with the vices. Here I have compassion, patience, kindness, wish for others' well being, sympathetic joy with others' successes, caring, etc. It is also an equal part of the human condition as I have come to realize and recognize.
So, I don't hope for anything anymore, or at least practice not to. Much to the agony of several of my friends, I have a note on my refrigerator "ABANDON HOPE", that constantly reminds me of the reality as it is. If there is joy at this moment, it is just so, not good, not bad, just so. And if there is anger in this moment, even righteous anger, it is also just so, not good, not bad, just as it is. They exist side by side in reality. These days I train myself to look at fear and hope in the same vein, both have the same expectation. Fear anticipates a negative outcome in the future, and hope anticipates a positive outcome. Both are not happy with the present. If I have to be at peace, the only way is to abandon both - fear and hope. In our society, we are trained and applauded to be brave, to conquer fear. And we are taught to hope, because we are told that the present is not good enough and something has to be better than this. Why? Why should we live in dissatisfaction? And when that good time comes, one that we are hoping for, it does not last, we spend all that "good" time fearing for the bad time that will soon be upon us. What good is that? This constant pendulum of hope and fear? Since fear and hope are inseparable, I cannot let go of fear and hold on to hope. This is my understanding at the moment. I have had a lot of practice over coming fear, life gave me that opportunity and I am grateful, I am strong and brave, they say. Hence, my practice these days is to abandon hope!!
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